control

Alex Karydi's picture

Control, Loyalty and the Big V in Lesbian Relationships

We are beginning the week with the ending of the relationship myths. Hopefully some of you have been able to share your thoughts and ideas on the last two articles related to this one with a friend or partner. Maybe some things have progressed and maybe for some of you it’s just a matter of knowing what to do with all this new information. How do I incorporate this knowledge in a way that can project me forward? Well, as soon as you are made aware of something you are in a movement of change, so you’ve already started, go Girl!

 Last three myths are big ones, they are so common in relationships and for most of us they are performances we do on a daily basis that being aware of them may seem futile, at first! Lets break them down into pieces and re-adjust them so they can be managed and help us progress with change.

 The first myth has been the undoing of us all at some point or another. Women have shared this sentence with each other a million times. And even though we are an intelligent and resourceful community we can not seem to let go of this internal lie, “If I am not in complete control at all times, then there will be chaos and pain.”

book of blue's picture

Compersion: Love as Space

Photo by Eric Francis.

This article is being discussed on the Planet Waves blog.

There are good reasons compersion feels like such a radical idea; why for example feeling good about your partner’s relationship with someone else feels so radical. It does; to most, the notion seems unconscionable. There are the ordinary ones: we ‘don’t want to think about that kind of thing’ or we equate monogamy (or the appearance of monogamy) with loyalty. That loyalty is the razor’s edge between being ‘with someone’ and ‘being alone’.

But let’s say you’re willing to go past the primal fear; you’re willing to think about it, even willing to feel it, and it starts to make sense that your partner is free and part of that freedom is opening the space inside yourself and in the relationship for them to have any experience they want. Let’s say you figure out that logic leaves you no choice but to extend your partner all the freedom they want or need.

What is so loving about attempting to define, limit or control the emotions or experiences of another person? Nothing at all; we just call it love to make it sound nice. Not all monogamous relationships have this as their basis, but we tend to see and experience this dynamic pretty frequently.

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