EvilSlutClique's picture

Cosmo Gives Us The Guy Truth

As usual, Cosmo is here to solve all of our relationship problems. Check out this piece of advice from the April 2010 issue - it's from a piece called Guy Truth, apparently written by a guy, on a page titled The Guy Report in a section called Man Manual. So there's no way that this advice could possibly go wrong.

Q: I had a great date, but the guy said he doesn't want kids. Should I tell him that's unacceptable?

A: Um, no - just move on. But do you really want to ignore potential due to an offhand comment?

In only two short sentences, Cosmo manages to give two contradictory pieces of advice, both of them bad. It's almost impressive.

I will say that I laughed at the way the question was worded. It's not 'should I tell him that I do want kids?' or 'is it too early to talk to him about the fact that we don't agree on something this important?' or something like that. No, it's 'should I tell him that I will not accept the fact that he doesn't want kids?' But let's overlook that minor issue with the question so we can move on to the real fun in the answer.

EvilSlutClique's picture

Get naughty tonight... but not too naughty!

Previously posted on

Sigh. We really don't want to become known as "that blog that writes about Cosmo's sex tips all the time" but alas... we're at it again. (It'd be easier for us to avoid it, if only Cosmo would quit printing this nonsense!) So we've decided to just make it a recurring series...

Every month Cosmo has some numbered story about the best possible sex tips ever! Last month's big sexy cover teaser was "50 New Sex Tricks" (known around here as "Things To Do To His Penis"). August 2009 was "Guys Rate 125 Sex Moves", while July was "100 Sex Questions".

This month the big cover story is "Bad Girl Sex: These 12 Moves Will Show Him Your Really Naughty Side. We Call Them the Dirty Dozen". Oh yeah?

Get Naughty Tonight.

Almost all men dig a little dirty between the sheets. So these 12 taboo moves should really drive him loco with lust.

Think of the naughtiest trick you've ever tried in bed. Now imagine bumping up the intensity so that it was even ballsier. Pretty. Freakin'. Hot. That's the idea behind our dirty dozen - 12 wicked moves that go from kinda kinky to beyond bad girl.

Ooooh taboo moves. Even more intense and ballsy than the naughtiest trick we've ever tried! It must be some really naughty, kinky stuff! Oh wait, it's Cosmo... so their crazy, bad girl moves are probably pretty tame and boring.

EvilSlutClique's picture

Things To Do To His Ass

Crossposted to

The September 2009 issue of Cosmopolitan has an article called "Grab His Butt Like This". Our first reaction of course was "someone got paid to write this!?" But then we were curious about which so-called "booty touches" Cosmo was recommending... Cosmo recommends the following moves:

  • A Hand in His Pocket -- "Slipping your hand into one of his back pockets can broadcast that you feel extremely close to him [...] This soothing sign of affection is especially great move to use if he's feeling nervous of anxious."
  • A Lengthy Squeeze -- "Clutch one butt cheek firmly for a few seconds and all he'll be able to think about is ripping off your clothes [...] It's very animalistic, so it will make him want passionate, drawn-out sex."
  • A Light Rub or Pat -- "He likes that flirty, light touch when he has other things going on [...] He'll take it to mean that you're thinking about him, but it's not so sexual or intimate that he'll feel like he has to devote all his attention to you."
  • A Hard Spank -- "A swift slap lets him know you want to be in control right then, and most guys find that totally thrilling [...] he'll interpret a spank as a sign that you want to make the next move and call the shots."

Yet again though, Cosmo has omitted one major thing you can do to a guy's butt... you know... stick a little something up there, like a finger or a sex toy...

EvilSlutClique's picture

Pam Anderson is Not Cosmopolitan

We have a confession to make.

We read the May issue of Cosmopolitan. Okay, and the April issue also. We went on a trip at the end of March that involved long boring train rides! We’ll try not to let it happen again, especially since we’ve learned that for all of their willingness to talk openly about sex and encourage their readers to have a lot of it, the editors of Cosmo can also be pretty judgmental when it comes to expressions of sexuality that break their arbitrary rules. There's a section in the front of the magazine called "Cosmo News", which I can only assume means "here in Cosmoland we think this information qualifies as news", because it's all stuff about Zac Efron and random studies about kissing and the new trendy style of sandals among celebrities. On the "Hot Sheet" page, there's a little sidebar on "What's Not So Hot", and the victim this month is Pam Anderson:

What's Not So Hot: Acting Age-Inappropriate Dear Pam, You can still be hot in your 40s. You cannot, however, do it by acting like you did when you were in your 20s. Sincerely, Cosmo

This little love note is accompanied by a couple of images of Pam wearing a revealing bathing suit/bodysuit/sparkly thing, and one of them is captioned, "Her sons must be psyched."

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