Dysfunctional Thinking

Alex Karydi's picture

It's Not Fair!

I have been sick since Thanksgiving, and it’s bad enough when you’re sick, but feeling like shit and coughing for almost a month will make anyone crazy. Run down, depressed and sad due to current life choices, which is how I always get when I’m feeling down, well I found myself saying a lot “It’s not fair!”

That statement makes my hair raise when any other person says it and I have worked hard to train myself not to fall into that hole, but when your being hit on all sides the “it’s not fairs” take over and we fall in the bottomless pit of being a victim of life’s circumstances.

So still sick, but on my way to recovery and really over everything I am taking a stand, and working on getting over the disease of falling into the victim box.  

I was telling a friend just this week, life is hard and I have every excuse in the world to be an asshole and take whatever I want from others, but I don’t. I could easily fuck who I want and kick them to the curve, lie, cheat, and steal, but I don’t. I could manipulate, abuse, and scare you into staying with me and being in my life, but I don’t. 

When life has hit us hard in all sorts of ways whether you have grown up poor, abused, abandoned, or hurt you have all the excuses in the world to be selfish, hurtful, angry, greedy, and self-centered. You can stay a victim and have the eyes and will to make all those that cross your path a predator- someone worth punishing for all your past pains.

You can use that label to never learn to trust and stay clear of love, pushing and pulling people till they feel so crazy they are running for the exit or have become hopeless to your manner and be complacent with the common habit that is you.

 Or… you could do something different?

Alex Karydi's picture

Angry Lesbian Heart!

"I'm trying to love you! I'm trying to see you but every pain I've ever had before you runs through me like shattered glass. All I can see are the ones that came before you that hurt me. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to take it out on you, this pain that I have within me. I think constantly your going to hurt me too, so I avoid my love for you... And all I know how to do is allow my angry heart to push you further away!"

Can pain ever really subside and disappear or do we just learn to live around it? It appears that for most of us when it comes to hurting, avoidance is the key or having the same kind of unhappy companionship the answer. Some women find a relationship that is safe and when it becomes comfortable or maybe even happiness is felt, we throw it all away.

Some of us will return to familiar grounds, old relationships that have ended multiple times before but are known to us and easier to predict. Others will find someone new, someone different (at first it seems that way) but we start the push and pull game all over again, and reinforce our old beliefs that no relationship is permanent and that our soul mate is still lurking outside somewhere.

What peculiar creatures we are, always looking for short cuts but always ending up with a painfully distant journey. We use the blame game, the could-be's, would-be's, and should-be's hypothesis, and of course good old faithful fear to direct us and manipulate us into further dysfunctional relationships and thinking.

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