Olga Wolstenholme's picture

Emotional Patterns We Learn From Our Parents

How much have you learned from your parents when it comes to love, relationships, and sex? Was their example positive or negative? Do you reenact the same patterns in your life? Those are just some of the questions I was asking myself over the holidays after spending a few days at home.

Each and every time my mother has an emotional outburst, especially if it’s directed at me, I close up and wait for the storm to pass. It feels akin to hunkering down under a table during a particularly harsh storm. I don’t know how else to react. If I move, I might be pulled in and then who knows how long I could keep my cool. The last thing I want to do in those moments is cry or let myself be filled with anger. Instead I enter a trance like state where I shut off, close my eyes, and focus on my breath while letting it all wash over me. That’s how I’ve learned to keep my cool under pressure. I have the uncanny ability to keep my composure in the strangest of situations, even though inside I might be a rocking mess. Eventually it will pass, it always does and then everything goes back to the way it was. There’s no need to mention it again.

Being exposed to someone else’s deep sadness, especially if directed at you, is a trying experience. How do you comfort someone when you’re the one that caused the unhappiness in the first place? That’s when I wondered whether I reenact this pattern in other relationships and to my great displeasure the answer was yes. To both roles. With most people and in most situations I shut off to protect myself emotionally and with a select few, I’ve let my pain hang out there, and I’ve asked the very person who is hurting me to comfort me in the same breath.

Olga Wolstenholme's picture

Are There Gender Differences When it Comes to How we Approach Sex, Emotions and Relationships?

It’s been a little while since I’ve graced these pages with my presence, but like I had said, I was taking a little break. Unfortunately, I will be doing the same during the Holidays, since I’ll be at my Mom’s and probably won’t have regular access to a computer, but for now here are a couple thoughts to ponder.

I often hear people begin sentences with: “Guys are ….” and “Girls are…”. I do it too, it’s sometimes hard to express something without using mass generalizations as a tool to get an idea across. I’m not saying it’s alright, just that it’s easy. Clearly, in our society there are distinctions created between the sexes, which is risky ground to cover especially since the divisions aren’t exactly as clear cut as all that (which is a good thing). That is an easy concept to grasp on an individual level, but when having a discussion about “an idea” it becomes more difficult to keep it all on an individual level and that’s when it’s sometimes easier (and more dangerous) to generalize.

I think that raises an interesting question: Is there really a biological and gendered division between how individuals approach sex, emotions and relationships or are we simply socialized to think and act like there is? It’s a complicated question and certainly one that needs more than a single blog post to get to the bottom of, but I would be really interested in knowing your opinions on the matter.

victorias sketchbook's picture

Longing prayer of the full moon

from Victoria's Sex Blog

i want to be with you
feel your warm hands on my body
your hot mouth on my nipples
your gentle eyes on my vulnerability

i want to wrap myself around you
take you in my arms
cradle your pain
and illuminate your nights with pleasure
i want to give to you my truth;
the reality of a loving body
that returns your passion
that responds to your desires
that smooths away your fears
and melts away your doubts
that can open up for you
the feminine that sleeps down below

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