gay couples

Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbian Infidelity

Sitting on the edge of the bed, listening, to words without sound that only provoke horrific images of scenes that you never wanted to wonder, in your mind you're trapped.

There is nothing more painful, other then death to hear that the person you are in love with and want, telling you they have had an affair or were intimate with another.  We hear the stories and at times we even are witness to the betrayal, but we never want to venture to think it could ever happen to us “me, no, we have something special and I would know right away.”

A friend once told me, that it been so long since her girlfriend had touched her that she just thought it was stress and the natural progression of a relationship to stop being passionate, so when she came home to find her girlfriend on the steps and her car packed, she felt confused.  In hind sight, she said she should have seen the signs, but I told “how could you? Who wants to see that coming?” she smiled and gently respond “it would have been nice to prepare for the pain.” 

I guess it is very similar to a natural disaster, we hear the alarms and sirens ringing, but really there is no way to hide or know the damage it will make. We can think we are prepared, but until we see the destruction we really just don’t know.

Feelings of abandonment, distress, shame, and anger take over and recovery seems so faraway and beyond repair that part of our spirit is left behind forever. The number of Lesbian couples affected by infidelity is unknown, again there is little research or studies are done in this area; however, we know that it something that affects us deeply and the lack of support from society and our community has a great impact on our healing or lack of.

the gay love coach's picture

Calendar of Love Tasks for Gay Couples for the New Year

Introduction

It's the beginning of a New Year and people all around the globe are making resolutions and goals for self-improvement and personal growth. But while everyone is creating individual objectives to accomplish their ideals, an important part of our lives tends to be overlooked and neglected when going through this period of introspection and renewal. Our relationships! Whether it's an intimate relationship with a significant other or our connections with family and friends, all relationships require consistent attention, feeding, and sustenance to keep them healthy and vital. What better time of the year to take stock of your relationships and give them some much needed "Tender Loving Care" than now! For purposes of this article, we will focus on some specific strategies you can implement within the context of your relationship with your partner that will keep the focus on your identity as a couple.

One of the factors that contribute to the demise of many gay relationships is when the partners take each other for granted. That can certainly be easy to do when you consider the realities inherent in the hectic hustle-bustle craziness that life entails. We can get so caught up in the distractions of work, family, friends, household management, working out, and all the other extracurricular activities that we involve ourselves in that we actually end up losing sight of what's really most important and valuable-our relationships with our partners.

A common danger is that once dating partners become coupled, many become comfortable and complacent and begin to settle into monotonous routines and rituals that can kill the spark that had once attracted them to each other. It also then becomes easy for the other responsibilities and demands of life to take center stage and the relationship takes a back seat to all these other competing forces. Relationships require energy and effort; lack of attention will create a division between the partners and this distance makes the individuals feel unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. This spells disaster and conflict. Don't let your relationship suffer this fate! You've worked hard to build a solid foundation of trust and intimacy. All that's needed now is some consistent reinforcement of your love and devotion for each other.

the gay love coach's picture

New Year's Resolutions for Gay Couples

Introduction

Probably the number one question I get asked most often by gay couples is, unsurprisingly, "How do I make my relationship better?" So, in line with the holiday and beginning of a New Year, I thought I'd write a short blurb that lists some possible action steps you might take to improve your partnership in the coming year. We've all heard of making personal New Year's Resolutions like "I'm going to lose weight this year" or "I'm going to go to the health club more often", but what would happen if we expanded upon that concept and created Resolutions for our relationships as couples?

With our busy lifestyles and excessive demands placed upon our time, it can be very easy to take our relationships for granted and unconsciously place them on the low end of our priority scales. And with those couples who have been together for a long time, it's even easier to settle into comfortable routines and patterns (as if on auto-pilot) at the expense of attending to and nurturing our relationship with our partners. This neglect is a primary reason for relationship discord, boredom, and a host of other problems that begin to erode at the foundation of our bonds as lovers/husbands.

Catapult Your Relationship In The New Year!

Conscious intention toward putting consistent energy into your relationship is crucial for its longevity and success. So why not, as a couple, create your own list of New Year's Resolutions for your relationship and make sure to attend to the items on your list. In fact, the actual act of the two of you sitting down and developing a list would be a great first item, something the two of you could creatively do that fosters togetherness and mutual brainstorming on ways to super-charge your connection. In essence, the two of you are creating a vision for your relationship, and the pure act of doing that begins to cement more intimacy between you as you have common goals to strive toward and celebrate the successes along the way.

Need some help creating some Resolutions? While it'll have more meaning and substance if you and your partner can create your own, here's some examples that you might use; they might even spark some additional ideas of your own! Have at it, and enjoy the process!

the gay love coach's picture

The Magnetic Relationship: When Positive & Negative Meet and Mate

Introduction

Gay relationships come in all varieties and combinations...that's what makes our community so diverse and eclectic! One such couple pairing has been coined "magnetic relationships", which is defined as an HIV-positive and an HIV-negative man in a committed partnership together. Perhaps it stems from fear, ignorance, or other sociopolitical factors, but surprisingly very little has been written on this subject.

One of the most important components of any single gay man's dating plan is a clear vision of the type of partner and relationship he seeks. Knowledge of his negotiable and non-negotiable needs is then used to form a template that he refers to when screening potential dating partners. Such criteria might include looks, professional status, age, race, certain emotional characteristics, etc. When meeting new men, singles intent on searching for Mr. Right will then take special note of the potential goodness-of-fit that exists with his relational vision and values with every dating encounter to avoid investing energy (and their hearts) into mismatched connections. One such criteria that every man must contemplate are his feelings about whether to date within or outside his particular HIV status. They must decide how important or not it is to them in the scheme of their visions for a long-term relationship. In response to a recent poll on my website's "Question of the Month" voting poll regarding whether gay men would date others opposite of their own HIV status, 34% replied "yes" and 66% said "no."

This article addresses those men who have discordant HIV statuses and have decided that other partner traits and relational characteristics hold more importance and priority to them than HIV/AIDS and have invested into committed partnerships. With such minimal literature available on this relationship style, it is hoped that this article will offer some useful tips and support for that segment of the gay population who has been unrepresented.

the gay love coach's picture

Boundaries for You & Your Guy

Introduction

Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired? Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we've all been there.

Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves to keep safe, centered, and accountable. They are usually drawn from our values and they define who we are and what we will and won't accept in our lives to keep our integrity and well-being intact. The more aligned our behavior is with our defined boundaries, the more balance and harmony we tend to experience in our lives. When we act outside the confines of our boundaries, our self-esteem can take a hit and we actually can create a whole host of other stressors that will disrupt us and leave us feeling badly and out-of-integrity. It is human nature to stumble outside our boundaries from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, underlying issues may be at play that will require some attention and intervention to avoid ongoing conflicts in one's life.

Not only do we have self-imposed boundaries, but boundaries also pertain to our relationships. A healthy relationship is comprised of two men with a solid sense of self and identity. Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners.

the gay love coach's picture

Long-Distance Lovers Lament No More!

Introduction

Nothing pains the heart more than being separated from your honey. You worked really hard to find Mr. Right and build a fulfilling life with him over the years. You've encountered and conquered so many challenges together and relish in the romance and richness of being a committed couple. You view the rewards of your partnership as great and can't wait to share more experiences that will further enrich your relationship. That's the vision that most happy couples report!

But what if you and your partner don't live together and are physically separated, perhaps living on opposite sides of the globe? Maybe a job or a family crisis has forced you apart. Perhaps it's just a temporary departure from each other; for some, the situation is permanent and must be adapted to. Whatever the circumstance, maintaining a long-distance relationship can be very difficult and taxing for couples. But while this scenario can be challenging and put a relationship to the test, it can be done and there are scores of people that are in this predicament and make it work successfully. This article will shed some light and offer some tips for coping with the "long-distance relationship blues" so that you can continue to nourish and strengthen the bond with your man and promote its longevity and satisfaction. Nothing compares to having your partner by your side but there are ways to overcome the obstacle of distance and still keep your relationship alive and well!

the gay love coach's picture

The Insecure Partner

Introduction--A Picture of Insecurity

Insecurity is no fun. It's that nagging feeling of angst and anxiety, of being unsettled and worried. You feel helpless and that you don't measure up to a person or situation, lacking a sense direction or confidence in how to approach things. Like in the initial stages of dating, a single gay man's insecurity might look like..."Does he like me?" "Why hasn't he called me like he said he would?" "Will he still be around even after we've had sex?"
These are pretty normal reactions; it becomes insecurity when the person becomes preoccupied and ruminates about the outcome, personalizing it and putting himself through a slow-torture of doubt and "what-if" thinking that distracts him from being centered and relaxed.

Gay men in relationships can struggle with insecurity as well; having a partner is no shield against it. In a relationship, insecurity might look like..."Am I still attractive to my partner after all this time?" "Does he think I'm a good lover?" "Why is he spending so much time away from home?" "Is he cheating on me?" Again, there's nothing abnormal with these thoughts--it has more to do with their extent and severity and how much they are interfering with one's quality of life and relationship. This article will offer some suggestions for managing this harmful emotion so it doesn't sabotage your relationship and cause undue stress for your well-being.

the gay love coach's picture

It's All About Us: Running Your Own Personal Gay Relationship Pow-Wow

Introduction

Let’s face it--life can be pretty darn hectic sometimes! Juggling all those commitments and trying to balance the roles and responsibilities you have can be quite challenging, and the one area of your life that can take the biggest hit is your relationship. It can be so easy to take your partner for granted as you try to tackle all those work demands, return your friends’ phone calls, and meet those family obligations.  If you let it, your relationship can begin to lose its sense of priority, especially if you and your partner have gotten into a comfortable groove in the way you relate and function as a couple.  The obvious consequence to this is a weakening of connection, potential decreased intimacy, emotional distance, and resentment over unmet needs.

All relationships, no matter how good, require consistent feeding. You must constantly nurture them, attend to them, and ensure that they remain healthy and strong.  This is especially so because relationships, and the individuals who comprise them, are always changing with the passage of time.  To not grow with the changes can result in a breakdown with inevitable conflict and sometimes demise.

I’m a big advocate for doing periodic “check-ins” with your significant other to make sure the relationship is progressing in a mutually-satisfying direction.  Gay men (actually men in general!) typically tend to favor problem-solving and action over communication.  This thereby creates the potential for huge rifts to occur in their relationships because of the lack of dialogue to ensure they and their partners are on “the same page” with things that matter most.  This article will describe one strategy that can promote you and your partner’s focus on your relationship; this technique can help you avoid getting distracted by other forces in your life and remind you to communicate and tend to the needs of your relationship to keep feeding its successful growth.

the gay love coach's picture

Restoring Trust in Gay Relationships

Introduction

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in fostering a healthy committed relationship and is commonly known to be the glue that cements a couple together. Trust is the endearing faith and confidence that your partner will respect you and not take advantage of or hurt you. It’s a feeling that he is genuine, authentic, dependable, and sincere. This connection allows you to be completely uninhibited and open yourself up to being vulnerable and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings—spots and all! Time and experience with your man has enabled a climate of safety to evolve in your relationship because you’ve both consistently demonstrated honor and strength of character in your actions toward each other and those around you.

While trust takes time to develop and is a hallmark of a successful relationship, it can very quickly be damaged if not nurtured and cause severe consequences for the future of the partnership afflicted by an indiscretion. Once trust has been compromised, it can be very difficult to repair, and in some cases that damage can be irreversible. This article will offer some tips for those couples invested in bridging the gap and attempting to restore the impaired trust in their relationships.

the gay love coach's picture

Should We Shack Up? A Gay Lovers' Pre-Cohabitation Reality Check

Introduction

Particularly with the legal sanctions that exist against gay marriage, moving in and living together is a big step and important rite-of-passage for a gay couple. It can symbolize the development and maturation of their relationship, as well as express the sense of a deepening commitment to each other and desire for more definition as partners.

However romantic it may seem to “shack up,” it’s a huge life-changing decision that shouldn’t be made lightly or on impulse. It requires a lot of forethought and preparation or you could be setting yourselves up for a lot of drama, stress, and pain. This article will offer some tidbits of information on cohabitation and lend you some questions for contemplation to assess your true readiness for “taking the plunge” as live-in lovers. Then some suggestions will be made to help foster a smoother decision-making process for you and your guy.

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