gay relationship

the gay love coach's picture

Guy Gawking in Gay Relationships

Introduction

When I first came out to myself as a gay man many years ago, I was completely clueless about the gay lifestyle. Like any culture, I quickly came to learn that the gay community has its own norms and practices that differed to lesser or greater degrees than what I'd experienced in the mainstream heterosexual world that we all grow up in and internalize.

Living in the suburbs of Chicago where few resources existed for learning about and meeting other gay folk, I established a friendship base in the Windy City itself, which houses a fairly large gay metropolis. It was here that my virginal journey into gay society began. So naïve I was in learning all the social nuances involved in this new land I was venturing into! I amusingly recall one day walking through the gay ghetto with one of my friends, just chatting away about this and that, when all of a sudden in mid-sentence, his neck spun around in a double-take (very similar to Linda Blair in "The Exorcist") when a striking man in a tank-top walked past us. I found myself a little startled and taken aback by his behavior, which seemed so overt and untamed by my conventional standards with his eyes bugged out and tongue wagging. As I quickly came to learn, this commonplace ritual is called "cruising", an important social skill that all single gay men quickly learn to develop to snag themselves a potential date or casual sex partner for the night.

My continued immersion into the gay brotherhood brought an interesting tidbit to light about gay socialization; that is, this whole "gay gawking" phenomenon of sizing up with the eyes of one's attraction to another is not exclusive to the singles' scene. It's not unusual for gay couples to partake in this activity, either together or separate from one another. And that is the topic for this article, spurred by an interview I gave for journalist Diane Maples who was writing a piece for MSNBC.com on the practice of "ogling" that occurs and its impact on monogamous relationships. The following includes some of the content I offered during the interview for her story.

the gay love coach's picture

The Magnetic Relationship: When Positive & Negative Meet and Mate

Introduction

Gay relationships come in all varieties and combinations...that's what makes our community so diverse and eclectic! One such couple pairing has been coined "magnetic relationships", which is defined as an HIV-positive and an HIV-negative man in a committed partnership together. Perhaps it stems from fear, ignorance, or other sociopolitical factors, but surprisingly very little has been written on this subject.

One of the most important components of any single gay man's dating plan is a clear vision of the type of partner and relationship he seeks. Knowledge of his negotiable and non-negotiable needs is then used to form a template that he refers to when screening potential dating partners. Such criteria might include looks, professional status, age, race, certain emotional characteristics, etc. When meeting new men, singles intent on searching for Mr. Right will then take special note of the potential goodness-of-fit that exists with his relational vision and values with every dating encounter to avoid investing energy (and their hearts) into mismatched connections. One such criteria that every man must contemplate are his feelings about whether to date within or outside his particular HIV status. They must decide how important or not it is to them in the scheme of their visions for a long-term relationship. In response to a recent poll on my website's "Question of the Month" voting poll regarding whether gay men would date others opposite of their own HIV status, 34% replied "yes" and 66% said "no."

This article addresses those men who have discordant HIV statuses and have decided that other partner traits and relational characteristics hold more importance and priority to them than HIV/AIDS and have invested into committed partnerships. With such minimal literature available on this relationship style, it is hoped that this article will offer some useful tips and support for that segment of the gay population who has been unrepresented.

the gay love coach's picture

Long-Distance Lovers Lament No More!

Introduction

Nothing pains the heart more than being separated from your honey. You worked really hard to find Mr. Right and build a fulfilling life with him over the years. You've encountered and conquered so many challenges together and relish in the romance and richness of being a committed couple. You view the rewards of your partnership as great and can't wait to share more experiences that will further enrich your relationship. That's the vision that most happy couples report!

But what if you and your partner don't live together and are physically separated, perhaps living on opposite sides of the globe? Maybe a job or a family crisis has forced you apart. Perhaps it's just a temporary departure from each other; for some, the situation is permanent and must be adapted to. Whatever the circumstance, maintaining a long-distance relationship can be very difficult and taxing for couples. But while this scenario can be challenging and put a relationship to the test, it can be done and there are scores of people that are in this predicament and make it work successfully. This article will shed some light and offer some tips for coping with the "long-distance relationship blues" so that you can continue to nourish and strengthen the bond with your man and promote its longevity and satisfaction. Nothing compares to having your partner by your side but there are ways to overcome the obstacle of distance and still keep your relationship alive and well!

Alex Karydi's picture

Angry Lesbian Heart!

"I'm trying to love you! I'm trying to see you but every pain I've ever had before you runs through me like shattered glass. All I can see are the ones that came before you that hurt me. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to take it out on you, this pain that I have within me. I think constantly your going to hurt me too, so I avoid my love for you... And all I know how to do is allow my angry heart to push you further away!"

Can pain ever really subside and disappear or do we just learn to live around it? It appears that for most of us when it comes to hurting, avoidance is the key or having the same kind of unhappy companionship the answer. Some women find a relationship that is safe and when it becomes comfortable or maybe even happiness is felt, we throw it all away.

Some of us will return to familiar grounds, old relationships that have ended multiple times before but are known to us and easier to predict. Others will find someone new, someone different (at first it seems that way) but we start the push and pull game all over again, and reinforce our old beliefs that no relationship is permanent and that our soul mate is still lurking outside somewhere.

What peculiar creatures we are, always looking for short cuts but always ending up with a painfully distant journey. We use the blame game, the could-be's, would-be's, and should-be's hypothesis, and of course good old faithful fear to direct us and manipulate us into further dysfunctional relationships and thinking.

Alex Karydi's picture

Am I ready to be a Lesbian Parent?

So it's decided, you can't walk pass the baby aisle at Target without whimpering you want one. You keep looking at each other wondering what your little bundle of joy will look like and what part each of you will play in the baby's life! You already started picking names and have transformed the extra room into a nursery! You want a baby, you're talking about getting more involved in your girlfriend's child or children's lives, or maybe you're talking about adoption! But are you ready for a child?

With any couple it's important that you talk about having a baby or children seriously before going through the process. It's a lifetime commitment to another human being with no take backs! Having a child needs to be a choice that feels comfortable within yourself and as a couple. As well as deciding to become more involved in your partners offspring is a serious matter, the attachment a child forms can be a model for future relationships, and as you all know abandonment can stay scared beyond the early years.

In the LGBT world we have so many obstacles as it is and walls we need to break through it is vital for a child's success that you have to be willing to accept and educate the challenges that you'll have to face as a Lesbian mom or LGBT parent. Being stable in all areas of life will make the journey of having children a lot easier, so explore where you are financial, career wise, mentally, emotionally, and as a relationship. One big mistake so many people do, no matter what our sexual orientation, is to have a child to keep the relationship. The truth is that having a baby is so stressful from conception to the delivery and beyond that if there is no solid foundation within your relationship it will crumble!  So are you ready?

the gay love coach's picture

It's All About Us: Running Your Own Personal Gay Relationship Pow-Wow

Introduction

Let’s face it--life can be pretty darn hectic sometimes! Juggling all those commitments and trying to balance the roles and responsibilities you have can be quite challenging, and the one area of your life that can take the biggest hit is your relationship. It can be so easy to take your partner for granted as you try to tackle all those work demands, return your friends’ phone calls, and meet those family obligations.  If you let it, your relationship can begin to lose its sense of priority, especially if you and your partner have gotten into a comfortable groove in the way you relate and function as a couple.  The obvious consequence to this is a weakening of connection, potential decreased intimacy, emotional distance, and resentment over unmet needs.

All relationships, no matter how good, require consistent feeding. You must constantly nurture them, attend to them, and ensure that they remain healthy and strong.  This is especially so because relationships, and the individuals who comprise them, are always changing with the passage of time.  To not grow with the changes can result in a breakdown with inevitable conflict and sometimes demise.

I’m a big advocate for doing periodic “check-ins” with your significant other to make sure the relationship is progressing in a mutually-satisfying direction.  Gay men (actually men in general!) typically tend to favor problem-solving and action over communication.  This thereby creates the potential for huge rifts to occur in their relationships because of the lack of dialogue to ensure they and their partners are on “the same page” with things that matter most.  This article will describe one strategy that can promote you and your partner’s focus on your relationship; this technique can help you avoid getting distracted by other forces in your life and remind you to communicate and tend to the needs of your relationship to keep feeding its successful growth.

the gay love coach's picture

Restoring Trust in Gay Relationships

Introduction

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in fostering a healthy committed relationship and is commonly known to be the glue that cements a couple together. Trust is the endearing faith and confidence that your partner will respect you and not take advantage of or hurt you. It’s a feeling that he is genuine, authentic, dependable, and sincere. This connection allows you to be completely uninhibited and open yourself up to being vulnerable and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings—spots and all! Time and experience with your man has enabled a climate of safety to evolve in your relationship because you’ve both consistently demonstrated honor and strength of character in your actions toward each other and those around you.

While trust takes time to develop and is a hallmark of a successful relationship, it can very quickly be damaged if not nurtured and cause severe consequences for the future of the partnership afflicted by an indiscretion. Once trust has been compromised, it can be very difficult to repair, and in some cases that damage can be irreversible. This article will offer some tips for those couples invested in bridging the gap and attempting to restore the impaired trust in their relationships.

the gay love coach's picture

Should We Shack Up? A Gay Lovers' Pre-Cohabitation Reality Check

Introduction

Particularly with the legal sanctions that exist against gay marriage, moving in and living together is a big step and important rite-of-passage for a gay couple. It can symbolize the development and maturation of their relationship, as well as express the sense of a deepening commitment to each other and desire for more definition as partners.

However romantic it may seem to “shack up,” it’s a huge life-changing decision that shouldn’t be made lightly or on impulse. It requires a lot of forethought and preparation or you could be setting yourselves up for a lot of drama, stress, and pain. This article will offer some tidbits of information on cohabitation and lend you some questions for contemplation to assess your true readiness for “taking the plunge” as live-in lovers. Then some suggestions will be made to help foster a smoother decision-making process for you and your guy.

the gay love coach's picture

5 Deadly Relationship Mistakes That Gay Men Can Make

Introduction

Whether you’re just starting out in a new relationship or have been long-term partners for many years, how does a gay couple maintain their relationship over the long haul and sustain that “magical spark” that drew them together in the first place?

Relationships do require attention and focus, and this article will present five deadly mistakes that you can make that can wreak havoc in your partnership, almost ensuring conflict and unhappiness. Remedies will also be offered, and keeping these points in mind can help stave off relationship discord—and even prevent a potential breakup from ever being considered!

the gay love coach's picture

Gay Male Couple Seeks the Same 4 Friendship

Introduction

Knowing how and where to meet other gay men for friendship and dating has long been a challenge and complaint for single guys, but the task is made that much more daunting for partnered men. How does a gay couple go about finding other couples who are similarly committed to their relationships for genuine friendship and companionship?

I get that question a lot as a coach. “I never see other gay couples out and about. Only singles.” “Yeah, I meet other couples but it always ends up with them wanting to have sex.” For partners seeking like-minded comrades, it can sometimes feel very isolating. This article will offer some creative suggestions for enhancing your exposure to other gay couples with the hope of promoting your chances for building your friendship circle.

Syndicate content
Powered by Drupal, an open source content management system