gay relationships

the gay love coach's picture

Calendar of Love Tasks for Gay Couples for the New Year

Introduction

It's the beginning of a New Year and people all around the globe are making resolutions and goals for self-improvement and personal growth. But while everyone is creating individual objectives to accomplish their ideals, an important part of our lives tends to be overlooked and neglected when going through this period of introspection and renewal. Our relationships! Whether it's an intimate relationship with a significant other or our connections with family and friends, all relationships require consistent attention, feeding, and sustenance to keep them healthy and vital. What better time of the year to take stock of your relationships and give them some much needed "Tender Loving Care" than now! For purposes of this article, we will focus on some specific strategies you can implement within the context of your relationship with your partner that will keep the focus on your identity as a couple.

One of the factors that contribute to the demise of many gay relationships is when the partners take each other for granted. That can certainly be easy to do when you consider the realities inherent in the hectic hustle-bustle craziness that life entails. We can get so caught up in the distractions of work, family, friends, household management, working out, and all the other extracurricular activities that we involve ourselves in that we actually end up losing sight of what's really most important and valuable-our relationships with our partners.

A common danger is that once dating partners become coupled, many become comfortable and complacent and begin to settle into monotonous routines and rituals that can kill the spark that had once attracted them to each other. It also then becomes easy for the other responsibilities and demands of life to take center stage and the relationship takes a back seat to all these other competing forces. Relationships require energy and effort; lack of attention will create a division between the partners and this distance makes the individuals feel unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. This spells disaster and conflict. Don't let your relationship suffer this fate! You've worked hard to build a solid foundation of trust and intimacy. All that's needed now is some consistent reinforcement of your love and devotion for each other.

the gay love coach's picture

New Year's Resolutions for Gay Couples

Introduction

Probably the number one question I get asked most often by gay couples is, unsurprisingly, "How do I make my relationship better?" So, in line with the holiday and beginning of a New Year, I thought I'd write a short blurb that lists some possible action steps you might take to improve your partnership in the coming year. We've all heard of making personal New Year's Resolutions like "I'm going to lose weight this year" or "I'm going to go to the health club more often", but what would happen if we expanded upon that concept and created Resolutions for our relationships as couples?

With our busy lifestyles and excessive demands placed upon our time, it can be very easy to take our relationships for granted and unconsciously place them on the low end of our priority scales. And with those couples who have been together for a long time, it's even easier to settle into comfortable routines and patterns (as if on auto-pilot) at the expense of attending to and nurturing our relationship with our partners. This neglect is a primary reason for relationship discord, boredom, and a host of other problems that begin to erode at the foundation of our bonds as lovers/husbands.

Catapult Your Relationship In The New Year!

Conscious intention toward putting consistent energy into your relationship is crucial for its longevity and success. So why not, as a couple, create your own list of New Year's Resolutions for your relationship and make sure to attend to the items on your list. In fact, the actual act of the two of you sitting down and developing a list would be a great first item, something the two of you could creatively do that fosters togetherness and mutual brainstorming on ways to super-charge your connection. In essence, the two of you are creating a vision for your relationship, and the pure act of doing that begins to cement more intimacy between you as you have common goals to strive toward and celebrate the successes along the way.

Need some help creating some Resolutions? While it'll have more meaning and substance if you and your partner can create your own, here's some examples that you might use; they might even spark some additional ideas of your own! Have at it, and enjoy the process!

Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbian Relationships: How do I make it work?

 

Some days I just want to give up. I don’t want to have to try so hard anymore or wonder if it will ever happen for me, finding that someone that completes me that makes things right and that won’t leave.

I never felt that way in the straight world, I always felt secure in my relationships with men. Now looking back, it could be that  I was relaxed in the safety of knowing that no matter what happened with them I would be fine.

Being a Lesbian and finding my identity has been a challenge and has pushed me to understand the dynamics of gay/lesbian relationships and why they flourish or fail. For years I have been living in a surreal notion of what being with a person should look like, but the truth has been complicated and hurtful and left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

As my wounds heal and my journey of self and health continues I have met many along the way that have helped me come slowly closer to understanding gay relationships. The lesbian world is unstable and a vicious mix of insecurities and fears.  Lesbian relationships are hard enough, but women are susceptible to issues that often men will never understand or know. Isolation, distrust, abandonment, abuse plagues our community and often it pushes us away from each other.

So how do we overcome our fears, how can we CREATE a functioning and healthy relationship?

the gay love coach's picture

Boundaries for You & Your Guy

Introduction

Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired? Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we've all been there.

Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves to keep safe, centered, and accountable. They are usually drawn from our values and they define who we are and what we will and won't accept in our lives to keep our integrity and well-being intact. The more aligned our behavior is with our defined boundaries, the more balance and harmony we tend to experience in our lives. When we act outside the confines of our boundaries, our self-esteem can take a hit and we actually can create a whole host of other stressors that will disrupt us and leave us feeling badly and out-of-integrity. It is human nature to stumble outside our boundaries from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, underlying issues may be at play that will require some attention and intervention to avoid ongoing conflicts in one's life.

Not only do we have self-imposed boundaries, but boundaries also pertain to our relationships. A healthy relationship is comprised of two men with a solid sense of self and identity. Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners.

Alex Karydi's picture

Self-Entitlement... The Ins and Outs!

I am sitting on the floor with my girl Lisa, messing about, laughing stupidly at our past psychodykos and the dumb things we have done for love as we paged through books on codependency.  We were having a great discussion on the importance of being healthy before entering a relationship and continuing to stay on track with our stability while sharing our lives with one another.

Unfortunately, it would not turn out for the rest of the day to stay in this childlike foolish behavior.  I would end up sitting silently watching my friend like a small child wrap her arms around her legs and dig her face into her knees as to protect herself from a furious blow.

Scared, terrified and with agitation she gazes up at me and says “tell me you’re joking! Are you serious! Shut up Alex I know your just playing with me and it’s not funny!” I look back at her, slightly sickened and hurt as to our discovery and calmly tell her “no babe I would not lie to you. I definitely would not joke like this or hurt you.”

I look back down at my phone, filtering through my emails and the dates to make sense of it all but there really is no justification and the reality is scary, manipulative and hurtful.

As I read the emails from a third party who approached me as an interested reader of my work, my friend and I would soon discover that it was her most recent ex-girlfriend who had manipulatively tried to find out information from me as she thought there may be more to my friends relationship with me. Subsequently, by the end of the following day the truth would come out and several actions would be taken to hurt and manipulate my friend further.

Alex Karydi's picture

Control, Loyalty and the Big V in Lesbian Relationships

We are beginning the week with the ending of the relationship myths. Hopefully some of you have been able to share your thoughts and ideas on the last two articles related to this one with a friend or partner. Maybe some things have progressed and maybe for some of you it’s just a matter of knowing what to do with all this new information. How do I incorporate this knowledge in a way that can project me forward? Well, as soon as you are made aware of something you are in a movement of change, so you’ve already started, go Girl!

 Last three myths are big ones, they are so common in relationships and for most of us they are performances we do on a daily basis that being aware of them may seem futile, at first! Lets break them down into pieces and re-adjust them so they can be managed and help us progress with change.

 The first myth has been the undoing of us all at some point or another. Women have shared this sentence with each other a million times. And even though we are an intelligent and resourceful community we can not seem to let go of this internal lie, “If I am not in complete control at all times, then there will be chaos and pain.”

Alex Karydi's picture

Coming Out with The Lesbian Guru

Coming out Lesbians!  This is a celebration of your true identity being unveiled and released into the world.  I wish there were a more beautiful and transformational term to refer to the process of developing and sharing your sexual orientation. I believe if it were a more affirmative term it would create a more positive and hopeful experience. Words have a powerful and energetic effect on people when said, thought, and expressed. 

Everyone’s coming out story is so unique, an imprint on our life’s journey, so powerful it can have a life altering effect on where it leads us in our future and how we perceive the world and those we hold closest to us. For some lesbian’s coming out is met with love and support, as well as “yeah, everyone knew already.”

I was so frightened to tell my sister, the only family I had, that I was going to be exclusively with women and that I figured out why I could not connect with men as much as I tried, “I am Gay!” Her response was witty and dry as always to her true form, “Babes, I don’t know about you but if you’ve been looking under girls skirts since you were six you probably are Gay!” We both laughed and that was the end of it, now she is the most supportive and loving person in my life and I get to enjoy being completely true to who I am with her.

This is not to say that all my “Yes I’m a homo” experiences have been as pleasant.  Coming out is a long and difficult struggle and will often be met with a lot of resistance? In fact I had a couple of childhood female friends that became angry with me. They thought that during our friendship I may have secretly desired them and didn’t tell them.

Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbian Online Dating

Where are Lesbians meeting other Lesbians? Our community, as small as it is and as incestuous as it is known for has been having a hard time finding legitimate mates.  

Many Lesbians meet there next partner through there ex (whom often they return to for a few more rounds) or in a bar (because the ladies do like to drink a fair bit) that it has become a challenging experience to find an interesting untouched female that has not been through the multiple girl circles we belong too.

In therapy I am constantly asked where do gay women meet up? Especially if you are in some kind of alcohol and drug recovery or have dated so many psychos in the same area code that you need a new hopeful experience! Well the Internet is the new way to date, actually not so new but where more and more gay woman are congregating to find their soul mate.

Online you safely put a profile up, some nice photos and basically advertise yourself to the United States or even the world of Lesbians in search for love. In the sea of women, contacts are established; friendships are formulated and sometimes through the timeless romantic form of communication, known as “love letters” you find someone.

Alex Karydi's picture

Finding your Inner Lesbian

When did love become a race? When did the earth become such a lonely place or so scary that we all decided to bump into as many people in hopes of meeting someone and finding love? With all the advertising and social pressure to find this person, this soul mate; we have lost the ability to be on our own. We do not know how to enjoy ourselves or even if we are worth being enjoyed.

There is some truth in that, if you do not know who you are or what you like, then how will you expose it to anyone else? It is ironic that there are thousands of books on building self-esteem and self-love that are written and television shows  that makes millions on helping you find it, when really it is available immediately within you!  We all know what makes us feel good, because our experiences in life teach us that.

We know what pulls us down because it’s like a familiar banner that runs through our minds every day, when we are tired, angry, lonely, or hungry (because your diet affects your mood)! We see it; listen to it like an obedient dog that has been trained to hear the negative self-talk and go as directed “Yes, I’m stupid”, “You  are right I will never get her she is too good for me”, “Nothing I do is ever right”, “Who am I kidding this will never work.” 

Yes, I know those lines too, I have said them more than I care to think about to myself. Why is it people do not see their full potential? Why are we not able to focus on ourselves for long enough to build love and trust in who we are? We as a community and not just Gay women, but society rely so much on what others think and how they behave towards us?

Alex Karydi's picture

The Lesbian Science of Love

You say love is a gut feeling, that it's something that you just know? Then why doesn't it always keep the intensity and relationship going? If it's such a strong emotion, if who we are drawn too is so animalistic and uncontrollable then why doesn't it always last!

Attraction is just the initial trigger that pushes you into a relationship with another person, unfortunately it is not the main component that will maintain a healthy and fulfilling lesbian relationship. There are four important skills of a healthy relationship that have been studied and found in long-term relationships that have increased love and intimacy in couples. Knowledge and practice of these skills have been found to sustain couples through their hard times together, as well as allow for growth in the individual and the family system. Learning these four skills and putting them into action on a daily basis will increase the success of your relationship as well as maintain healthy boundaries and love for each other.

Let's explore these skills further:

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