the gay love coach's picture

Boyfriend Hunting: Where the Boys Are


So you’re on the prowl for a boyfriend, hunting for Mr. Right to potentially build a lasting and fulfilling relationship? You feel like you’ve got your head on straight, your life is in order, and you’re ready and available for love. Perfect! The most important pre-requisite that’s needed before embarking out into the dating jungle is a solid sense of self, an understanding of your needs and values, and a psychological readiness and maturity for navigating through a variety of interpersonal situations and relationship issues. You’re equipped, motivated, excited… so where in the world do you find those quality guys to get acquainted with?!

the gay love coach's picture

Stop, Look, & Listen: The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner


Do you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep getting into repetitive arguments over the same things? Have hidden resentments toward him and a mountain of unmet needs? If you’re like a lot of other gay couples, chances are your listening skills might need a jump-start; and if it’s not that, then fine-tuning your ability to listen can go a long way toward bridging the gap between you and your lover and bringing about more clarity and connection in your relationship.

Conflict is inevitable when you’re a couple, but how you go about negotiating it can mean the difference between cuddling on the couch together or sleeping on opposite sides of the bed when you retire for the evening. Being able to productively listen and attend to your partner is key for effective communication, and listening is also a pre-requisite for conflict resolution.

As men in our society, we haven’t been trained real well in matters of emotion and communication. This can create a tenuous backdrop in a relationship with two men operating from the same conditioning. Not only can it be an obstacle to achieving true intimacy, but it can also cause partners to withdraw emotionally, avoid dealing with problems, or become competitive towards one another if not careful.

arvan's picture

Uganda: Come for the wildlife, stay for the gay-bashing.

GLBTQ rights in Uganda have sucked for years, with open persecution by of gay, lesbians and other queers being propagated by hateful and ignorant people in positions of power.  The country has instilled oppressive laws against homosexuality and court cases have challenged these.  The police and mobs have taken to routinely beating, torturing and killing gays, ostensibly to protect the population from immorality.  (Apparently, killing unarmed people who love each other is not immoral in Uganda.  Lucky break, there.)

Recently however, things went from bad to worse with the help of the import of US gay-bashing whack jobs.  According to Casey Sanchez at the Southern Poverty Law Center:

A bizarre trio of American anti-gay leaders arrived in the Ugandan capital of Kampala Thursday to stage a three-day seminar, “Exposing the Truth Behind Homosexuality and the Homosexual Agenda,” in a country where homosexuality is a crime punishable by death. They are:

• Scott Lively, co-founder of the hate group Watchmen on the Walls and author of The Pink Swastika, a pseudo-history book claiming that “militant male homosexuals” helped mastermind the holocaust.

Caleb Lee Brundidge, a “sexual reorientation coach” for the International Healing Foundation, whose signature technique, as demonstrated on CNN, involves patients “beating on chairs with tennis rackets and screaming, “Mom, Mom, why did you do this to me?” Brundidge also counsels men struggling with their sexuality to visit mortuaries with a fringe Charismatic ministry team to “practice raising the dead.”

• Don Schmierer, a board member for Exodus International, an international umbrella group covering hundreds of “ex-gay” ministries. Schmierer warns parents in his guide to preventing homosexuality to watch out for boys who show “extreme macho behavior” are “frail, deformed, deaf” or “avoid fights/physical altercations.”

the gay love coach's picture

Gay Breakups: When the Rainbow Ends



“It just hit me out of the blue when Mike left me. We hadn’t really been together all that long, but I thought I’d finally found my true soul mate. Now it’s over and I feel totally rejected, like nobody’s ever going to want me again. It’s so hard finding a decent guy and now I have to start all over again; I don’t know if I can. I feel like a failure at relationships. I just don’t know what to do.” --Eric

“Steve and I broke up after eight years together. The house feels so empty without him and the pain can be so unbearable at times. The loneliness is the worst part for me and it’s like there’s this big hole inside of me, this nagging hurt that won’t go away. I think about him all the time and wonder if I’m ever going to get over him. I’ve never felt more alone and confused in my life.” --Josh

arvan's picture

Straight People ♥ Gay Synagogues


Mazel Tov!: Rabbi Lisa Edwards, right, and her wife, Tracy Moore, at their civil marriage in 2008 at Beth Chayim Chadashim in Los Angeles.  (Image courtesy of Jewish Daily Forward)

OK, now this is more like it.  After a week of listening to one form of relgious driven intolerance after another - dominate the information superhighway, I am relieved grateful for news of respect, inclusion and invitation.

Seriously, the pro-life and pro-terrorist crowings that have come since the terrorist murder of Dr. Tiller combined with the fundamentalist hate-mongers vilifying gays for wanting to get married really wore me down this week.  My expectations of where any religion conversation would go, were at an all time low.  A friend of mine tried to strike up a conversation about religion earlier today.  All I could tell him was that if he mentioned the word Jesus, I was leaving him with the bill for lunch.

Then, my bride sends me this story: Why Straight People Go to Gay Synagogues - and what we can learn from them.

It's a wonderful piece on how people actually want and will actively seek out - a society that accepts people who define their own sex, gender, body - in their own terms.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Annabelle River's picture

What I Learned from the Gay Puppies

This past Memorial Day, Chicago hosted International Mr. Leather, a long-weekend festival and pageant for the gay-male BDSM community, which has already been written up by Dan Savage and by my partner over at the Geeky Sex blog.  I have written of my fondness for puppy play before on this site, but I had never been around many human-puppies. The concept was too enticing to pass up.

But beforehand, sitting in a bar with my fiancé and our friend, I realized that I was feeling socially anxious in a way that I haven't felt about play parties for a while now. Because I had never before been to a sexy-party where I was so likely to be the only woman present. In sexually-liberated communities, we often like to downplay how fundamentally different we are from people who fall into different categories of sexual liberation. But for all the warm fuzzies of confederacy and label-rejection, I realized over my Irish coffee around the corner from the IML fancy hotel that my tits and long hair still designate my body as unambiguously female, even femme, and it was safe to assume that most of the attendees of a butch-leaning gay men's convention would not find me attractive. I would only know the two people I came with, and at the very least, I was going to look conspicuously different.

the gay love coach's picture

11 Dating Success Tips for Single Gay Men

One of the developmental tasks of all adolescents is to establish productive relationships with their peer group and to understand and manage their sexuality. Dating provides fertile training ground for these teens for learning about themselves and how to establish and maintain healthy intimate relationships as they continue to mature and grow. Due to growing up in a homophobic society, most gay men as teenagers had to keep their sexualities hidden for fear of social backlash and further damage to their already shaky self-images. Some boys chose to distance themselves completely from dating, while others chose to date their female peers to more easily "fit in" and be accepted. For some, there was no other choice for them but to date girls, while for others it was an attempt to extinguish their feelings they had for males. 

Very few gay men had the luxury of being able to openly date other gay males as teenagers and to live authentically. Fortunately, today's generation of gay youth are experiencing slightly more liberal attitudes and acceptance from their peer group about being gay, but there's still a long way to go. As a result, many gay men as adults remain perplexed and confused about how to date other men. Without training, education, and support, many gay men are forced to "wing it" as they mingle and mate with other men, leaving many of them unsatisfied with their dating experiences and wondering if they'll ever find a loving partner to settle down with.

What follows is a tips list of things for gay men to keep in mind as they go about meeting other men in pursuit of their Mr. Right. Add your own to the list and keep it handy as a quick-reference guide as you embark upon your dating adventures to promote greater success in your romantic life.

ChantelleAustin's picture

Should gays and lesbians be able to marry?!?!

Warning: This may be a soap box kind of diary entry... it's a diary entry afterall, I can say what I want :P

arvan's picture

South End gay-bashing suspect pleads guilty

From Bay Windows, the news that a man confessed to brutally attacking two men because they are gay. 


by Ethan Jacobs

Fabio Brandao’s trial was scheduled to begin May 27, but that morning he pleaded guilty to the nine charges filed against him.    (Source:Office of District Attorney Dan Conley)

Fabio Brandao, the 29-year-old Framingham pizza delivery man charged with taking part in a brutal gay-bashing in the South End last August, pleaded guilty to nine criminal charges, including four civil rights violations, on May 27 in Boston Municipal Court.

Brandao originally pleaded not guilty to all charges after his arrest in August, but changed his plea the day his trial was set to begin.

Brandao and three other men, who remain at large, attacked a group of three men and one woman, all in their mid-20s, who were walking home from the Roxy nightclub along Columbus Avenue in the early morning hours of August 24. Brandao and his friends allegedly beat two of the men in the group so severely that they sustained concussions and have no memory of the assault. Throughout the attack the assailants allegedly called the victims "fucking faggots." The attackers then fled the scene in a white Honda station wagon; one of the victims called 911 and reported the license number of the vehicle, which was registered to Brandao. Police also found Brandao’s cell phone at the scene.

After Brandao’s guilty plea, Judge Thomas Horgan handed down a two-year jail term that he suspended for two years. During that two-year period Brandao will be subject to a set of conditions recommended by Suffolk County District Attorney Daniel Conley’s office. He must pay the four victims $4250 in medical bills and other expenses by Nov. 25; he must stay away from the victims and stay out of the South End; and he must complete an anger management program and undergo a court clinic evaluation for anger management.

arvan's picture

Openly gay man voted prom queen at LA high school

From the Monterey News, a nice little bit of news about gender, high school, self-identification and group recognition.  The mindset of previous generations is still visible, but as this queen demonstrated, it is no longer in complete control.  A recognition of our shared humanity is becoming more and more commonplace. :-)

LOS ANGELES — An openly gay teen was voted prom queen at Los Angeles' Fairfax High School in a campaign that began as a stunt but ended up spurring discussion on the campus about gender roles and teen popularity.

Sergio Garcia, 18, was crowned queen Saturday night at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel.

"I feel invincible," Garcia said in his tiara and charcoal-gray tuxedo.

A few days earlier, he gave a speech that won over some cynics and led to an ovation and his unlikely victory.

"At one time, prom may have been a big popularity contest where the best-looking guy or girl were crowned king and queen. Things have changed and it's no longer just about who has the most friends or who wears the coolest clothes," Garcia told a gymnasium full of seniors. "I'm not your typical prom queen candidate. There's more to me than meets the eye."

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