the gay love coach's picture

The Insecure Partner

Introduction--A Picture of Insecurity

Insecurity is no fun. It's that nagging feeling of angst and anxiety, of being unsettled and worried. You feel helpless and that you don't measure up to a person or situation, lacking a sense direction or confidence in how to approach things. Like in the initial stages of dating, a single gay man's insecurity might look like..."Does he like me?" "Why hasn't he called me like he said he would?" "Will he still be around even after we've had sex?"
These are pretty normal reactions; it becomes insecurity when the person becomes preoccupied and ruminates about the outcome, personalizing it and putting himself through a slow-torture of doubt and "what-if" thinking that distracts him from being centered and relaxed.

Gay men in relationships can struggle with insecurity as well; having a partner is no shield against it. In a relationship, insecurity might look like..."Am I still attractive to my partner after all this time?" "Does he think I'm a good lover?" "Why is he spending so much time away from home?" "Is he cheating on me?" Again, there's nothing abnormal with these thoughts--it has more to do with their extent and severity and how much they are interfering with one's quality of life and relationship. This article will offer some suggestions for managing this harmful emotion so it doesn't sabotage your relationship and cause undue stress for your well-being.

exposing body image issues's picture

Body Image and Fear

by Judith Brisson

I have a new lover, whom I adore, yet who has trouble believing in my love because he feels he’s not good-looking enough. It saddens me that a body-image issue is getting in the way of our blossoming love. It underscores how important it is to have a positive bodily self-image and how difficulties in this area can impact on one’s personal life.

He shows his insecurity by making jokes about how I would be better off with another better-looking fellow, who doesn’t have such a long list of flaws as to be found in his physical appearance.  Maybe for some the physical aspects of their partner are of supreme importance: they might be able to overlook certain character flaws if the object/subject of their desire improves the décor enough.

But I have never been like that.

First of all, what attracts me most to a person, male or female, sexually or not, is the rapport that we share when we’re together. No rapport – no relationship. But particularly in a sexual relationship, the importance of good company is not to be underestimated.
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