On May 13th 2010, when I woke up that morning no one could have convinced me of where I would be almost a year later. I woke up distresses, anxious, and at an utter loss. The day before my car broke down beyond repair, my boss warned me that if I did not have a car, I would not have a job; money was a problem, found out I had a stomach hernia, and the worst part of it all my girlfriend had run away with her ex all within 24hrs.
The hurt was so unexpected and out of my control, that it spun me into a dark place, which took me months to get over. It was that week that The Lesbian Guru was created, I felt so lonely in my community and dumbfounded by the intricacies of being with a woman, I needed to learn more.
Even after I got bran new car, got promote into a new job, money issues were settling, got accepted into a PhD program, and had a sweet new girlfriend; I realized I was still hurting and lost.
Seven months would go by; women would come in and out of my life, with the bitter taste of her ghost staining my memory. Seven months of crying late at night when no one was around. Seven months of cursing the day she was born, and was given the opportunity to leave her imprint on my skin. Seven months of wishing I could erase my memory and say “yes” to those who waited in the dark for me to acknowledge their love. Seven months of pain.
By late autumn, I decided after much self-exploration and questioning that maybe there was such a thing as “never truly getting over a person.” I was finally accepting that pieces would remain missing within me and that life needed to keep moving.
It was at this time one Sunday afternoon that I was sitting with my best friend Ellen in her car, crying for the last time in each others arms of our past loves and hurt that my phone light up with an incoming message. I thought at first I had read the name wrong, but as soon as I took a better look I threw up. Ellen in shock read the name and proceeded to try and find me (As I got out of the car and started walking). She read the message out-loud, and then stared at me with that WTF just happened look. It was simple and straight to the point.
It was an “I am sorry” note, and it left me numb and emotionless. I would be a liar if I said it wasn’t something I prayed for or that I did not care. I cared. I cared more then I was willing to admit or even wanted to feel. Part of me hated her for all the pain she had caused me and the other just wanted to feel her skin under my hand, and more than anything I just wanted to know Why.
I think that is when reconciliation begun for me. When a door is open into a relationship we have many chooses. The better part of me wanted to enter, leaving the door wide open so that I could leave at anytime. I took a step in her direction; remembering that my intentions are to always be true, to keep an open mind, and have boundaries not wall, and to never punish her for abandoning me.