Lesbian relationships

Alex Karydi's picture

When Women Love Married Women


A troubling situation that should not be judged too harshly, we are all capable of falling in holes with little room to escape. I will try to be gentle and look at all sides when exploring this subject, and also remembers that it is very different to affairs in heterosexual couples.

It is important not to judge. Our society is so eager to humiliate, cast out, and punish us for our choices rather that teach openness, honesty, and the value of good intentions. We may all be a little healthier if we practice these principles on ourselves and each other.

Women are built to form emotional bounds; it was an intricate part of our survival in prehistorical times. We connect emotionally to each other, due to women having more of the chemical known as oxytocine “the love hormone.” That is why affairs affect lesbians very differently to heterosexuals and why there needs to be a different view point taken when understanding affairs between two women. This is not to say that straight people aren’t affected by affairs in their marriage, the impact of betrayal on any person regardless of sexual orientation can be devastating and painful.

As much as we would like to look the other way, the two women need to acknowledge that there is an individual being thrown into the affair without knowing or giving consent. When we attempt to manipulate our environment to our advantage where others are unwilling participants the consequences are often “very” ugly to severe. I have heard men tell me “it’s one thing for my wife to fuck another man but to shame me into fucking a woman that is a whole other story.”

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Green Eyed Lesbian Monster: Jealousy in Lesbian Relationships

It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.

    By Lawrence Durrell


When I was growing up my mother always told me, “Do not be jealous of others. Do not wish for what others have. Do not fight to possess and control someone, because in the end you will be alone as nothing belongings to us but is merely an experience.” She was a wise Buddhist that attempted to sooth a young adolescents’ tantrums of wants that weren’t fulfilled.

It is true today, that I rarely feel jealous or envy, which I account for my upbringing and the love I was given as a child. Therefore, in the spirit of my mom I would like to pass on a footnote of knowledge hopefully, lightening up the weight of those emotions that have a hunger for our soul: jealous, anger and envy.

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A Lesbian Infatuation… or is it Love?

Therapist: “What brings you in today?”

Love Sick Lesbian (LSL): “I can’t take it anymore…I love her so much but she plays with my heart…”

Therapist: “Tell me more about this Love.”

LSL: “It has been going on for years and I don’t know how to get over it… I don’t know if this is love or an obsession… or am I just crazy?”

Therapist : “Maybe it’s all of the above… mixed in with a little Infatuation.”

LSL: “Help me. Can you please help me get over her?”


Funny? It is not meant to be. Everyday I get at least one email from a woman sharing this exact thought process. She is telling me in great detail about a woman sometimes even more than one she cannot let go of and has been holding on for months if not years. It’s unimaginable the time and energy we put into our “unforgettable” loves. UNIMAGINABLE, not only in feelings and emotions but sometimes sacrificing other relationships with others and financial goals.

Alex Karydi's picture

Reconciliation in Lesbian Relationships

On May 13th 2010, when I woke up that morning no one could have convinced me of where I would be almost a year later. I woke up distresses, anxious, and at an utter loss. The day before my car broke down beyond repair, my boss warned me that if I did not have a car, I would not have a job; money was a problem, found out I had a stomach hernia, and the worst part of it all my girlfriend had run away with her ex all within 24hrs.

The hurt was so unexpected and out of my control, that it spun me into a dark place, which took me months to get over. It was that week that The Lesbian Guru was created, I felt so lonely in my community and dumbfounded by the intricacies of being with a woman, I needed to learn more.

Even after I got bran new car, got promote into a new job, money issues were settling, got accepted into a PhD program, and had a sweet new girlfriend; I realized I was still hurting and lost.

Seven months would go by; women would come in and out of my life, with the bitter taste of her ghost staining my memory.  Seven months of crying late at night when no one was around. Seven months of cursing the day she was born, and was given the opportunity to leave her imprint on my skin. Seven months of wishing I could erase my memory and say “yes” to those who waited in the dark for me to acknowledge their love. Seven months of pain.

By late autumn, I decided after much self-exploration and questioning that maybe there was such a thing as “never truly getting over a person.” I was finally accepting that pieces would remain missing within me and that life needed to keep moving.

It was at this time one Sunday afternoon that I was sitting with my best friend Ellen in her car, crying for the last time in each others arms of our past loves and hurt that my phone light up with an incoming message. I thought at first I had read the name wrong, but as soon as I took a better look I threw up. Ellen in shock read the name and proceeded to try and find me (As I got out of the car and started walking). She read the message out-loud, and then stared at me with that WTF just happened look. It was simple and straight to the point.

It was an “I am sorry” note, and it left me numb and emotionless. I would be a liar if I said it wasn’t something I prayed for or that I did not care. I cared. I cared more then I was willing to admit or even wanted to feel. Part of me hated her for all the pain she had caused me and the other just wanted to feel her skin under my hand, and more than anything I just wanted to know Why.

I think that is when reconciliation begun for me. When a door is open into a relationship we have many chooses. The better part of me wanted to enter, leaving the door wide open so that I could leave at anytime. I took a step in her direction; remembering that my intentions are to always be true, to keep an open mind, and have boundaries not wall, and to never punish her for abandoning me.

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Barriers vs. Boundaries in Lesbian Relationships

We would like to think we are stronger than we are and more emotionally stable then the next person, however that would be hard to prove.  Even more so it would be difficult to believe.  We all carry baggage and issues in our past that cause us to occasionally feel unsteady and shaken.

There are very few of us that can honestly say we are as stable and strong as we seem, for the rest of us it is a daily battle of finding that equilibrium. When people come into therapy it is for one reason, there is something in their lives that has became unmanageable. There is something that has been putting pressure underneath their skin like a splinter that has embedded it self and is now an infection.

What is that splinter whose mucous pus is causing so much pain in our lives? PEOPLE! It is usually a person or group of people. It is amazing how much power we give to others over us. It never ceases to amaze me how we allow others to create fears and anxiety to such levels that we are unable to function or become dysfunctional.

Dysfunctional is the clinical term for when the engine of our Begin is not running smoothly, and a little oil and TLC is needed. When we have allowed the action and behavior of ourselves and another to cause friction in different areas of our life, such as school, work, friendships, family, spiritually, and health. We start throwing rocks into our engine, when we have either built barriers or have poor boundaries with others.

We all have a personal boundary, it is an imaginary line that surrounds you and protects you from situations and peoples you feel threatened by. When the threat is real this boundary is indispensable to our survival, but sometimes the threats are not what they appear. Our past can cause us to imagine threats that are not there, when we have learnt mistrust and that everyone is an enemy.

When we have difficulty trusting we see treats that aren’t always there. Our boundaries soon became barriers or walls that are most likely causing us harm rather then providing protection. As kids we aren’t always taught healthy boundaries and we are forced to allow people closer then we feel comfortable.  We may have felt that those we have allowed close took over our inner thoughts and feeling, abusing the lines that protect us, our boundaries.

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Lesbian Infidelity

Sitting on the edge of the bed, listening, to words without sound that only provoke horrific images of scenes that you never wanted to wonder, in your mind you're trapped.

There is nothing more painful, other then death to hear that the person you are in love with and want, telling you they have had an affair or were intimate with another.  We hear the stories and at times we even are witness to the betrayal, but we never want to venture to think it could ever happen to us “me, no, we have something special and I would know right away.”

A friend once told me, that it been so long since her girlfriend had touched her that she just thought it was stress and the natural progression of a relationship to stop being passionate, so when she came home to find her girlfriend on the steps and her car packed, she felt confused.  In hind sight, she said she should have seen the signs, but I told “how could you? Who wants to see that coming?” she smiled and gently respond “it would have been nice to prepare for the pain.” 

I guess it is very similar to a natural disaster, we hear the alarms and sirens ringing, but really there is no way to hide or know the damage it will make. We can think we are prepared, but until we see the destruction we really just don’t know.

Feelings of abandonment, distress, shame, and anger take over and recovery seems so faraway and beyond repair that part of our spirit is left behind forever. The number of Lesbian couples affected by infidelity is unknown, again there is little research or studies are done in this area; however, we know that it something that affects us deeply and the lack of support from society and our community has a great impact on our healing or lack of.

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Lesbian Domestic Violence

I remember waking many a nights to my nanny’s (in South Africa it was custom to have a live in maid) screams, her room opposite mine wasmseparated by a small yard.  I witness in the darkness her husband beating her with sticks as thick as a baseball bat. She would be crying, bleeding and bruised, while police officers escort him out. My mother and father gently holding her, cleaning her face and would take her back to her bed where a week later he would be sleeping next to her again. The cycle continuously going, yes I was taught young what a good beating looked like, it was stained in my minds eye like her blood on our cement ground.

Abuse is a pattern of behavior that uses coercion, dominance or isolates the other partner.  It is a form of power that is enforced by one person over the other to gain control within the relationship. There are many kinds of abuse, unfortunately the most often common ones used go unnoticed as they do not leave physical evidence behind.

These are:

  • Physical Abuse – hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)
  • Isolation: Restricting Freedom – controlling contacts with friends and family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls
  • Psychological & Emotional Abuse – constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them
  • Stalking / Harassing Behavior – following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues
  • Threats & Intimidation – threatening to harm partner, self or others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers
  • Economic Abuse – controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner
  • Sexual Abuse/Harassment – forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance
  • Property Destruction – destroying mementos, breaking furniture or windows, throwing or smashing objects, trashing clothes or other possessions.

(Source: http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/lesbianrx/factsheet.shtml)

Alex Karydi's picture

Attention Lesbians, Trust Me!

“Trust me.

Trust me. I would never hurt you.

Trust me. I will never leave you.

Trust me. I will not cheat on you.

Trust me. I will never abuse you, harm you, and not care for you.

Trust me. I will never lie to you, because it’s different with you.

Trust me.

Trust me because everything I just told you is what I fear in myself.

Trust me to not know any different but to hurt you so you feel my pain

Trust me to not know any different but to leave you when I am scared

Trust me to cheat on you when I am done using you

Trust me to hit, scream, manipulate, yell, ignore, and be completely indifferent to you

Because everything I ever told you was a lie and the only difference was that you believed me.

Thank you for trusting me.”

Trust, a word thrown around more then “I love you” without meaning  or sincerity.   I get so sick of hearing it that I have built an immediate “no expectation” rule as soon as its spoken.  The truth is many have not a clue what it means to trust another human being. Most of us know its power, that as soon as it is uttered out of your lips, like a fish line in water the hook has been placed.

Trust, when you break down the word to its purest meaning it’s the confidence in another to be honest with you, faithful to their word, keep promises, confide in you, and not abandon you.

Trust, it requires that you have an understanding or have a realistic perspective about others and their expectation of failure.

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Lesbian Metamorphosis! 12 Ways to Transform Your Life.

Everyday I practice kindness, meditation and prayer. I am not particularly religious or empathetic like some nun but I find my serenity and peace in those three actions. It is in those moments I often find my answers to life and its importance.

Why should you care about what I do? You shouldn’t, you definitely do not need to as that is a choice. CHOICE. What a word. There are days I hate that word, especially when those around me have absolutely no idea how to practice it. Everyday I am confronted by the challenge of making choices, the right ones of course and yet everyday I meet people or receive emails that share little acknowledgement of the very thing that makes us human, that gives us will power. Yes the will to have power to change our course, to make things right, and have a new start.

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The L in Love vs. Lust in Lesbian Relationships

I am obsessed, crazy and infatuated right now!  I can barely think of how to put on my clothes the correct way.  I am forgetting to eat and sleep is completely irrelevant when you are on my mind, devouring my every thought.

My stomach is in knots and I know I have checked my phone to see if your name is on the screen a thousand times this last hour.  Seconds feel like minutes and hours feel like a slow death when I have had no contact with you.

You mention another woman’s name and the killer in me comes out, wanting to wrap you in an invisible cloak so no one steals you away from me.  You’ve changed me, moved me to where all I want is to melt inside of you. I want to be part of you, to feel every ounce of what makes me crazy.  

When lust sneaks into our soul a whirlwind of sexual energy begins to build, often it confuses its host and leaves a path of destruction soon forgotten.  Some of my worst decisions and financial burdens have come from lusting in those initial months of a new relationship.

In my manic infatuation I have spent money I didn’t have and been drawn into a coma that last more hours then I have slept thinking of every curve on her body. I have become lost in how her clothes fall off her when I pull them apart, the taste of her lips against mine, the smell of her skin, the heat of her breath that flushes my skin and how when I am naked against her body I soften into her and want to be lost forever.

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