Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbian Relationships: How do I make it work?


Some days I just want to give up. I don’t want to have to try so hard anymore or wonder if it will ever happen for me, finding that someone that completes me that makes things right and that won’t leave.

I never felt that way in the straight world, I always felt secure in my relationships with men. Now looking back, it could be that  I was relaxed in the safety of knowing that no matter what happened with them I would be fine.

Being a Lesbian and finding my identity has been a challenge and has pushed me to understand the dynamics of gay/lesbian relationships and why they flourish or fail. For years I have been living in a surreal notion of what being with a person should look like, but the truth has been complicated and hurtful and left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

As my wounds heal and my journey of self and health continues I have met many along the way that have helped me come slowly closer to understanding gay relationships. The lesbian world is unstable and a vicious mix of insecurities and fears.  Lesbian relationships are hard enough, but women are susceptible to issues that often men will never understand or know. Isolation, distrust, abandonment, abuse plagues our community and often it pushes us away from each other.

So how do we overcome our fears, how can we CREATE a functioning and healthy relationship?

Alex Karydi's picture

Coming out and the Different Stages... Step by Step.



Everyday I get an email from a reader struggling with coming out or even questioning their sexuality.  Confused and lost searching for answers. It upsets me to know how many of us feel alone and with more barriers and walls in front of us in discovering who we are then is needed.

Coming out is stressful issue in an LGBT’s life and that can cause us to make poor decisions. Finding your sexual identity is crucial in being a healthy person, understanding the process even more so. Dealing with that stress may be to go through the transformational process and find ways to stay healthy. I am going to briefly describe the stage of finding ones identity, so as to provide a guide. Now you may not experience these in order and do not compare the stage as one is no better than the other. Just because you find yourself in stage 3 and not 5 does not mean you are any less mature or “underdeveloped.”

Alex Karydi's picture

Self-Entitlement... The Ins and Outs!

I am sitting on the floor with my girl Lisa, messing about, laughing stupidly at our past psychodykos and the dumb things we have done for love as we paged through books on codependency.  We were having a great discussion on the importance of being healthy before entering a relationship and continuing to stay on track with our stability while sharing our lives with one another.

Unfortunately, it would not turn out for the rest of the day to stay in this childlike foolish behavior.  I would end up sitting silently watching my friend like a small child wrap her arms around her legs and dig her face into her knees as to protect herself from a furious blow.

Scared, terrified and with agitation she gazes up at me and says “tell me you’re joking! Are you serious! Shut up Alex I know your just playing with me and it’s not funny!” I look back at her, slightly sickened and hurt as to our discovery and calmly tell her “no babe I would not lie to you. I definitely would not joke like this or hurt you.”

I look back down at my phone, filtering through my emails and the dates to make sense of it all but there really is no justification and the reality is scary, manipulative and hurtful.

As I read the emails from a third party who approached me as an interested reader of my work, my friend and I would soon discover that it was her most recent ex-girlfriend who had manipulatively tried to find out information from me as she thought there may be more to my friends relationship with me. Subsequently, by the end of the following day the truth would come out and several actions would be taken to hurt and manipulate my friend further.

Alex Karydi's picture

Trans Lesbian for the Night!

All night, all I got from my two companions and supporters for the evening was “wow, you’re really not yourself. Are you okay?” After the hundredth time of saying that I am alright I tried to bounce out of my head but I had already become hyper vigilant to my environment and to the people who surrounded me.

Comfortable in my body, bound and changed through the use of duct tape and props but not with the person who was inhabiting it.  I can only imagine the experience being the opposite for an individual who is transgender, to know the person but not being able to fit in the body.

I have always had a great admiration for the transgender population, I have felt that they have been at the fore front of the attacks from the heterosexual community and for much of our time on this planet they have been misunderstood, ignored, abused, victimized, and treated unkindly. This has not only been from our straight counterparts but from the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community.

Alex Karydi's picture

Corrective Rape.

Freedom, Rape, Lesbian, Punishment… just words right? Just words lined up. However words have power, even in ancient Kabbalah text they shared that words are the recipe of what they depict and evoke.

So if I take these four words and put them together in a sentence, “Lesbians have no Freedom in some countries because they are Raped and Punished for who they are.”  Now that is a lot less innocent, and now my words, simple on their own have changed the page they first were sounded upon. 

Growing up in South Africa was not easy, not for anyone but least of all for women.  We are seen as property and in the African culture, as something to trade with another family for gifts and hopefully for grand children that will take care of you one day. 

I grew up as a middle class white foreigner in a country struggling for independence and freedom, mixed with hatred and anger; none was seen more then amongst the different South African tribes.  There was violence towards each others differences in political views, often the whole suffered for the few that had little tolerance. 

 I often tell people who ask me to explain to them the violence, especially after they come to know that my mother was murdered there, that when you have lived in utter poverty all your life and have seen your world through a pinhole that shows nightmares some of us will gratefully never know, you lose that sense of empathy. In desolation you lose your humanity.  When everything has been taken away, and what you are left with is little hope, anger is the emotional volcanic explosion that takes over your mind. 

It saddens me, as I was once in love with the country I grew up in, but it has ravaged my soul and today after I watched the video, E 60 Corrective Rape it has left me empty again.

Alex Karydi's picture

Angry Lesbian Heart!

"I'm trying to love you! I'm trying to see you but every pain I've ever had before you runs through me like shattered glass. All I can see are the ones that came before you that hurt me. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to take it out on you, this pain that I have within me. I think constantly your going to hurt me too, so I avoid my love for you... And all I know how to do is allow my angry heart to push you further away!"

Can pain ever really subside and disappear or do we just learn to live around it? It appears that for most of us when it comes to hurting, avoidance is the key or having the same kind of unhappy companionship the answer. Some women find a relationship that is safe and when it becomes comfortable or maybe even happiness is felt, we throw it all away.

Some of us will return to familiar grounds, old relationships that have ended multiple times before but are known to us and easier to predict. Others will find someone new, someone different (at first it seems that way) but we start the push and pull game all over again, and reinforce our old beliefs that no relationship is permanent and that our soul mate is still lurking outside somewhere.

What peculiar creatures we are, always looking for short cuts but always ending up with a painfully distant journey. We use the blame game, the could-be's, would-be's, and should-be's hypothesis, and of course good old faithful fear to direct us and manipulate us into further dysfunctional relationships and thinking.

ptaguy's picture

Personality Whores

Originally published on http://gaywarfare.blogspot.com/
Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbians, Labels, and Lyrics

It’s so hard these days to meet genuine people that are not into things for the mere popularity or money making deals. I think often when we do meet individuals that are sincere and speak or in this case sing their passion and love, that we automatically think they want something or they are a frauds. This world has become so doubtful and abusive towards each other that talent, true conviction and passion are overridden by insecurities.

Last night I had a conversation with a new and upcoming artist Ace Reign, and I just fell in love with this woman’s words and passion. First of all, I am a sucker for women who are intelligent and able to communicate their ideas, but to also do it in a manner that reaches and teaches people is amazing.

My aim has always been to empower and connect with the lesbian community, so when I asked the brilliant Rapper her thoughts of being seen as a Dominant/Aggressive Gay woman in the entertainment industry she actually caught me off guard by gently correcting me.  

She brought about a very important point that labels are very constricting and that they often allow people to be discriminated upon or boxed in. She shared that she is herself and that she is proud of who she is, being a person of this world that loves what she creates and happens to also have relationships with women.

Alex Karydi's picture

The Lesbian Sabotage

I walked into my therapist office (aka my co-worker whom I love and adore) and sat on her comfy client’s chair and with a big smile said “Guess what? I met someone! She is perfection, seriously Robin she is magnificent and I am crazy about this girl!” All the while my sweet Lady of Reason is nodding her head with her pen gently pressed against her lip with a half smile.

She waits for me to finish my ecstatic advertisement of my new found love and says with her gentle but firm therapist tone “Wow, have you slept with her yet?” “No, Ma’am this one I am going to take my time with and get to know… no more psychodyckos for me she is the real deal!” As she looks down at the ground which she always does just before she says something she thinks may hurt me “That’s great, you did good… So how are you going to stop your self-sabotaging ways with this one?”

I felt my gut turn because I knew exactly what she was referring too, she’s never actually referred it to me like that before but none the less she’s seen me go through enough relationships where my mind and behavior fought and pushed away the one I love.

Have you ever started a relationship and then began the search for what is not right about the person? Oh Lord, I hate when I begin this quest! It is as if my heart begins to beat fast and my mind slows down and says, “Now remember everyone is crazy and wants something so DO NOT trust this person.”  You begin to nitpick at every possible thing you can find to reassure and empower your negative thinking. 

Alex Karydi's picture

The Lesbian One-Hour Orgasm!

One way to start building your sensual side is to become an expert in yourself, learn how your body responds to touch. The book calls this "taking" touch. It will also introduce you to a bunch of sexercises, e.g. phone sex, sexual teasing and peaking to name a few. Very Few women climax through actually intercourse (1 in 3); it happens with far more frequency through manual (hand) masturbation techniques. This is what the book is all about, getting pleasure with your hands and exactly why I thought it would be relevant to Lesbians (but everyone can do this, you are only limited by your imagination!).

The effectiveness of this technique comes from how you set up the environment all the way down to how you are going to touch each other, so there are a few things you will need to get:

1. Music (of course!)

2. Candles- you can go unscented but I love rose, jasmine or ylang ylang because those oils promote love and sensuality.

3. Some delicious food, like fruits, chocolate or even a power bar because if you are going to be having a sex marathon you are going to need some energy!

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