Alex Karydi's picture

Reconciliation in Lesbian Relationships

On May 13th 2010, when I woke up that morning no one could have convinced me of where I would be almost a year later. I woke up distresses, anxious, and at an utter loss. The day before my car broke down beyond repair, my boss warned me that if I did not have a car, I would not have a job; money was a problem, found out I had a stomach hernia, and the worst part of it all my girlfriend had run away with her ex all within 24hrs.

The hurt was so unexpected and out of my control, that it spun me into a dark place, which took me months to get over. It was that week that The Lesbian Guru was created, I felt so lonely in my community and dumbfounded by the intricacies of being with a woman, I needed to learn more.

Even after I got bran new car, got promote into a new job, money issues were settling, got accepted into a PhD program, and had a sweet new girlfriend; I realized I was still hurting and lost.

Seven months would go by; women would come in and out of my life, with the bitter taste of her ghost staining my memory.  Seven months of crying late at night when no one was around. Seven months of cursing the day she was born, and was given the opportunity to leave her imprint on my skin. Seven months of wishing I could erase my memory and say “yes” to those who waited in the dark for me to acknowledge their love. Seven months of pain.

By late autumn, I decided after much self-exploration and questioning that maybe there was such a thing as “never truly getting over a person.” I was finally accepting that pieces would remain missing within me and that life needed to keep moving.

It was at this time one Sunday afternoon that I was sitting with my best friend Ellen in her car, crying for the last time in each others arms of our past loves and hurt that my phone light up with an incoming message. I thought at first I had read the name wrong, but as soon as I took a better look I threw up. Ellen in shock read the name and proceeded to try and find me (As I got out of the car and started walking). She read the message out-loud, and then stared at me with that WTF just happened look. It was simple and straight to the point.

It was an “I am sorry” note, and it left me numb and emotionless. I would be a liar if I said it wasn’t something I prayed for or that I did not care. I cared. I cared more then I was willing to admit or even wanted to feel. Part of me hated her for all the pain she had caused me and the other just wanted to feel her skin under my hand, and more than anything I just wanted to know Why.

I think that is when reconciliation begun for me. When a door is open into a relationship we have many chooses. The better part of me wanted to enter, leaving the door wide open so that I could leave at anytime. I took a step in her direction; remembering that my intentions are to always be true, to keep an open mind, and have boundaries not wall, and to never punish her for abandoning me.

Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbian Sex Ed: Let’s talk Anal!


I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and the conversation found it’s way in the most amusing and yet unspoken place “how do you feel about anal?” she says to me without a second of hesitation.  Now, there is very little I haven’t dealt with; however, I don’t think anyone is ever prepared to hear that come out of their little sister’s mouth.

After a giggle and all the why’s and how’s were answered, I wondered how much Lesbians knew about anal sex and how many were willing to share their experiences and feelings around this dark and often scary topic. I tested this hypothesis on my girlfriend by asking her “how do you feel about anal?” All I got back was a smile and a wink, which I am still working on the verbal translation. 

There are many words to describe the anus: back-door, back eye, bum hole, butt pussy, chuff, date, flipside, moon, rosebud, third eye, round eye, trap two, workman’s entrance (or lesbianized a workwoman’s entrance), arsehole, batcave, blowhole, butthole, ring, fudge tunnel, pooh chute, tan track and the list goes on. I don’t care what you call your dirt road; it is still an amazing place to explore sexually and can be a lot of fun.

 Most women are concerned in this area as their can be sometimes nasty surprises, and no one wants to be embarrassed, vulnerable and naked in bed. Yes, there are some things that could happen during anal sex that are unplanned but isn’t that with anything. Sex is a messy often very wet experience. There is sweat, saliva, vagina lubrication/ cum (aka honey pot butter), and sometimes even blood.

 So, maybe by now I have repulsed you so much you’re asking, “well what’s the point if it’s so nasty?” Anal sex is not nasty that is the point! Anal sex is very similar to having vagina intercourse, the difference is the skin and lining of the rectum is rich in nerve endings and is capable of producing increadible sensations.

Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbian Infidelity

Sitting on the edge of the bed, listening, to words without sound that only provoke horrific images of scenes that you never wanted to wonder, in your mind you're trapped.

There is nothing more painful, other then death to hear that the person you are in love with and want, telling you they have had an affair or were intimate with another.  We hear the stories and at times we even are witness to the betrayal, but we never want to venture to think it could ever happen to us “me, no, we have something special and I would know right away.”

A friend once told me, that it been so long since her girlfriend had touched her that she just thought it was stress and the natural progression of a relationship to stop being passionate, so when she came home to find her girlfriend on the steps and her car packed, she felt confused.  In hind sight, she said she should have seen the signs, but I told “how could you? Who wants to see that coming?” she smiled and gently respond “it would have been nice to prepare for the pain.” 

I guess it is very similar to a natural disaster, we hear the alarms and sirens ringing, but really there is no way to hide or know the damage it will make. We can think we are prepared, but until we see the destruction we really just don’t know.

Feelings of abandonment, distress, shame, and anger take over and recovery seems so faraway and beyond repair that part of our spirit is left behind forever. The number of Lesbian couples affected by infidelity is unknown, again there is little research or studies are done in this area; however, we know that it something that affects us deeply and the lack of support from society and our community has a great impact on our healing or lack of.

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Attention Lesbians, Trust Me!

“Trust me.

Trust me. I would never hurt you.

Trust me. I will never leave you.

Trust me. I will not cheat on you.

Trust me. I will never abuse you, harm you, and not care for you.

Trust me. I will never lie to you, because it’s different with you.

Trust me.

Trust me because everything I just told you is what I fear in myself.

Trust me to not know any different but to hurt you so you feel my pain

Trust me to not know any different but to leave you when I am scared

Trust me to cheat on you when I am done using you

Trust me to hit, scream, manipulate, yell, ignore, and be completely indifferent to you

Because everything I ever told you was a lie and the only difference was that you believed me.

Thank you for trusting me.”

Trust, a word thrown around more then “I love you” without meaning  or sincerity.   I get so sick of hearing it that I have built an immediate “no expectation” rule as soon as its spoken.  The truth is many have not a clue what it means to trust another human being. Most of us know its power, that as soon as it is uttered out of your lips, like a fish line in water the hook has been placed.

Trust, when you break down the word to its purest meaning it’s the confidence in another to be honest with you, faithful to their word, keep promises, confide in you, and not abandon you.

Trust, it requires that you have an understanding or have a realistic perspective about others and their expectation of failure.

Alex Karydi's picture

The L in Love vs. Lust in Lesbian Relationships

I am obsessed, crazy and infatuated right now!  I can barely think of how to put on my clothes the correct way.  I am forgetting to eat and sleep is completely irrelevant when you are on my mind, devouring my every thought.

My stomach is in knots and I know I have checked my phone to see if your name is on the screen a thousand times this last hour.  Seconds feel like minutes and hours feel like a slow death when I have had no contact with you.

You mention another woman’s name and the killer in me comes out, wanting to wrap you in an invisible cloak so no one steals you away from me.  You’ve changed me, moved me to where all I want is to melt inside of you. I want to be part of you, to feel every ounce of what makes me crazy.  

When lust sneaks into our soul a whirlwind of sexual energy begins to build, often it confuses its host and leaves a path of destruction soon forgotten.  Some of my worst decisions and financial burdens have come from lusting in those initial months of a new relationship.

In my manic infatuation I have spent money I didn’t have and been drawn into a coma that last more hours then I have slept thinking of every curve on her body. I have become lost in how her clothes fall off her when I pull them apart, the taste of her lips against mine, the smell of her skin, the heat of her breath that flushes my skin and how when I am naked against her body I soften into her and want to be lost forever.

Alex Karydi's picture

Lesbian Flirting Tips! The Truth!

I am by far the worst person at picking up chicks, but you know what they say “those who can’t do teach.” So here I am caught in my avoidant behavior by a stranger no doubt, someone that stumbled on something I wrote and realized immediately that I have been living in the shadow of “picking up fear.”

Its funny that most people think I am confident, they see me laughing, being loud and joking around and they assume that it’s easy for “seemingly” outgoing people to pick up. Well the reality, like a lot of you may know, is that appearances are often not the depth of the person, and when you start peeling the layers you find that beneath the shiny distracting exterior lies shyness, insecurity, fears and maybe even worthlessness.

I was a really ugly kid, seriously, I had big thick glasses, braces (the whole head gear), really tall, hunched and long curly hair always in my face. I was not much to look at and with that came the avoidance of people; the bullying I received during my time at the French school did not help either. By the time I reached high school, my braces were off, contacts were in, hair was pulled back, and that little French accent got me whatever I wanted in the South African school.

Oh yeah! I went from being nothing to something different, and never had to or really wanted to learn to pick up someone. Also, being a big fat lesbian did not help because I had little interest in boys but I wanted to play and be friends with them which seemed to make them more interested so that cut the challenge of learning too.

So here I am thirty years old, sitting at a bar with my best friend without a clue in the world as to how I am going to show Tann (the reader I will soon not forget!) that she’s wrong.

Well needless to say it was an absolute train wreck, but I did learn some important tips on flirting and picking up women.

Here goes nothing:

Alex Karydi's picture

Angry Lesbian Heart!

"I'm trying to love you! I'm trying to see you but every pain I've ever had before you runs through me like shattered glass. All I can see are the ones that came before you that hurt me. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to take it out on you, this pain that I have within me. I think constantly your going to hurt me too, so I avoid my love for you... And all I know how to do is allow my angry heart to push you further away!"

Can pain ever really subside and disappear or do we just learn to live around it? It appears that for most of us when it comes to hurting, avoidance is the key or having the same kind of unhappy companionship the answer. Some women find a relationship that is safe and when it becomes comfortable or maybe even happiness is felt, we throw it all away.

Some of us will return to familiar grounds, old relationships that have ended multiple times before but are known to us and easier to predict. Others will find someone new, someone different (at first it seems that way) but we start the push and pull game all over again, and reinforce our old beliefs that no relationship is permanent and that our soul mate is still lurking outside somewhere.

What peculiar creatures we are, always looking for short cuts but always ending up with a painfully distant journey. We use the blame game, the could-be's, would-be's, and should-be's hypothesis, and of course good old faithful fear to direct us and manipulate us into further dysfunctional relationships and thinking.

Alex Karydi's picture

Hit it, Snort it, Chug it.... Don't call me an addict!

I will keep your secret, I will not tell… a soul
That you drink alone
I will not tell, I will not tell a soul
I will not tell anyone when you do that line of coke or take one more hit of smoke
I will not tell, I will not tell a soul
I will not tell that when you are high and drunk…
You like to hit me
I will not tell, I will not tell a soul
I will not tell anyone know why my thighs are bruised, my eye is black and my heart is broken
I will not tell, I will not tell a soul
Your secrets safe… I will not tell anyone
… That we are lost and alone.”

No you do not have a problem; it is the world that has a problem with you. No, you drink like everyone else, and the drugs, well that is just recreational and you are in control of that too! No not you because only street bums, whores, and low lives are addicts.

Alex Karydi's picture

The Lesbian Sabotage

I walked into my therapist office (aka my co-worker whom I love and adore) and sat on her comfy client’s chair and with a big smile said “Guess what? I met someone! She is perfection, seriously Robin she is magnificent and I am crazy about this girl!” All the while my sweet Lady of Reason is nodding her head with her pen gently pressed against her lip with a half smile.

She waits for me to finish my ecstatic advertisement of my new found love and says with her gentle but firm therapist tone “Wow, have you slept with her yet?” “No, Ma’am this one I am going to take my time with and get to know… no more psychodyckos for me she is the real deal!” As she looks down at the ground which she always does just before she says something she thinks may hurt me “That’s great, you did good… So how are you going to stop your self-sabotaging ways with this one?”

I felt my gut turn because I knew exactly what she was referring too, she’s never actually referred it to me like that before but none the less she’s seen me go through enough relationships where my mind and behavior fought and pushed away the one I love.

Have you ever started a relationship and then began the search for what is not right about the person? Oh Lord, I hate when I begin this quest! It is as if my heart begins to beat fast and my mind slows down and says, “Now remember everyone is crazy and wants something so DO NOT trust this person.”  You begin to nitpick at every possible thing you can find to reassure and empower your negative thinking. 

Alex Karydi's picture

Control, Loyalty and the Big V in Lesbian Relationships

We are beginning the week with the ending of the relationship myths. Hopefully some of you have been able to share your thoughts and ideas on the last two articles related to this one with a friend or partner. Maybe some things have progressed and maybe for some of you it’s just a matter of knowing what to do with all this new information. How do I incorporate this knowledge in a way that can project me forward? Well, as soon as you are made aware of something you are in a movement of change, so you’ve already started, go Girl!

 Last three myths are big ones, they are so common in relationships and for most of us they are performances we do on a daily basis that being aware of them may seem futile, at first! Lets break them down into pieces and re-adjust them so they can be managed and help us progress with change.

 The first myth has been the undoing of us all at some point or another. Women have shared this sentence with each other a million times. And even though we are an intelligent and resourceful community we can not seem to let go of this internal lie, “If I am not in complete control at all times, then there will be chaos and pain.”

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