understanding

Dixie, the mirror and the Sybian; photo by Eric Francis.

It’s possible to analyze shame and get some understanding of it, but at a certain point we must move from the concealed stage into the exposed stage, where healing can occur. Shame is easier to understand if we remember that it’s about hiding, and that means mainly hiding one’s own existence. Along with that, we tend to hide the source of the shame, the stories about the injuries, and the pain that they cause us. Revealing all of this, to ourselves and to select others, is part of healing the damage.

Everyone has their own secrets and their own secret face of shame, but the truth is we all share the same face.

By revealing that face that we open up the way to healing. Witnessing others and learning to hold space for their process is an essential part of this; whether we are the ones revealing ourselves, or witnessing, the process is similar, but I think that we must explore both sides of the equation. Both involve taking a risk. Both take us through different facets of the experiences of shame, embarrassment, humiliation and guilt. There is a risk, in this vulnerable space, that new injuries can occur – that is often the case in a healing process, and care must be taken to avoid this.

Here is a little bit of good, sound information for us all to chew on as we go out to meet our friends for the weekend.

and...

A question that sometimes gets raised in BDSM contexts is: Is BDSM a "sexual orientation"? I've spent rather a lot of time thinking about this, and at this point, I believe the answer depends largely on the individual -- yet at the same time, the answer stands a strong chance of being politicized into something that could limit individuals. And that scares me.

But I'm getting ahead of myself already.

I remember the first moment it occurred to me to consider BDSM an orientation -- the first time I used that word. I believe I was writing up my coming-out story at the time; I was discussing the way I freaked out when I came into BDSM, and I wrote: "In retrospect, it seems surreal that I reacted so badly to my BDSM orientation."

I remember that I felt vaguely electrified at what I was saying, a little scared ... but also comforted. I hadn't had much contact with other sex theorists at the time and I thought I was saying something radical, maybe too radical to be taken seriously. Since our culture mostly discusses the idea of "orientation" in regards to gay/lesbian/bi/transgender, it seemed to me that -- if I dared refer to it as "my BDSM orientation" -- then a comparison with LGBT was implied in my statement. Would the world believe that my BDSM desires could be as "real", as "deep-rooted", as "unavoidable" as the sexual orientation of a gay/lesbian/bi/transgender person? Would I offend GLBT people by implying that my sexual needs are as "real", "deep-rooted" and "unavoidable" as theirs ... by implying that my sexual needs are anything like theirs?

(Image courtesy of CultureVulture)

The Heart of Polyamory

By Millie Jackson

Being polyamorous is not determined by how many relationships someone has, but is defined by the capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time.  How polyamory translates into someone’s life can look very different from one person to the next, but polyamorists tend to agree that it espouses the tenets of honesty and consensuality practiced ethically.

When people talk about their objections to polyamory they often describe scenarios that are not polyamorous, usually referring to someone being dishonest with lovers or misleading prospective partners.  The problems they portray always come down to some unethical behavior like lying, manipulation or violating agreements.  If it is not honest, ethical and consensual, then it’s not polyamory.

Although many people automatically make unfounded assumptions, learning that someone is polyamorous reveals nothing about that person’s life-style, sexual orientation, (past, present or future) relationship dynamics, approach to sex, etc.  Polyamorists are a melting pot of diversity.  By design, how polyamorists choose to structure relationships is up to them and their partners and is very individualistic.