About: How Do You Fuck a Fat Woman? by Kate Harding

Olga Wolstenholme's picture

Kate Harding of Shapely Prose wrote an article for the book Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape called How Do You Fuck a Fat Woman? I highly recommend this book, not only does it address topics that everyone should be aware of, but it also does so in a way that is somehow uplifting as opposed to depressing; a feeling that is much too common when reading about rape, but for the sake of this post I will address Kate Harding’s particular contribution.

The article begins:

"You should consider yourself lucky that some man finds a hideous toll like yourself rape-able."

THAT’S AN ACTUAL COMMENT left on the blog of a friend of mine, in response to a post she wrote about being raped and nearly killed. Every feminist blogger with more than four readers has dealt with comments along these lines. There are certain people who feel it’s their sacred duty to inform is, again and again, that rape is a compliment. (Or more precisely, “Rape is a compliment, you stupid whore.”)

The first time I read this, I was immediately struck by the truth behind her words as well as the deep seeded reaction that can only be described as: What the fuck is wrong with the world? Truth is there are a lot of things wrong with the world and somehow it never ceased to amaze how fucked up some thing are. You would think I’d be used to it by now.

I’ve been pretty lucky so far, with this blog I mean, I haven’t had to moderate any comments and I haven’t received any negative feedback in my inbox. I’m thankful for that, but I am also very aware that this is not the norm. A fact that is made very clear in Harding’s article is that this type of harassment in the form of hate mail or hate comments is ten times worse for those of the female gender who happen to be fat.

Another  example:

"You fat whores would be lucky to even get raped by someone. I hope you whiny cunts find your way on top of a pinball machine in the near  future.

Whoever raped you could have just waited at the exit of a bar at 3am and gotten it consensually without the beached whale-like “struggle” you probably gave.

If any man would want to rape your gigantic ass, I’d be shocked."

According to Harding the message is clear, “no one but a rapist would ever, ever want you” if you are fat. Sure, there’s a sub-culture of men who like big women, but they are treated as fetishists, and are in no way regarded as part of the norm, because who the hell in their right mind would love a fat woman, right?

Need more proof?

"I’m against rape. Unless it’s an obese women. How else are they going to get sweet, sweet cock?"

I couldn’t even make that shit up if I tried. The really sad part, is that a fat woman is then made to believe that she is so unattractive that rape is pretty much the only sex she can hope for. The same goes for women who believe themselves to be completely unattractive. How many abusive relationships out there are built around the idea that “nobody else will ever love me and this is the best I could possibly hope for”? One is too many.

This problem goes deep, and taints the lives of so many women. Being a teenager or being in your early twenties is a vulnerable enough age, but when you compound that with “no one wants to fuck a fatty” it tends to twist your expectations and it is so de-valuing that at some point any type of sexual attention seems acceptable.

A friend of mine the other day was talking about a girl he likes and he said: “a girl like that gets to choose”. I know he wasn’t talking about the same thing as I am here, but it’s true nonetheless that if you’re not “a girl like that” society tends to want to take away your choices.

What do you do?

"When you’re a fat woman in this culture, everyone - from journalists you’ll never meet to your own mother, sister, and best friend – works together to constantly reinforce the message that you are not good enough to be fucked, let alone loved. You’d be so pretty if you just lost weight. You’d feel so much better about yourself if you just lost weight. You’d have boys beating down your door of you just lost weight.

You’d be lucky to be raped, you fat cunt.

That’s just the way it is, baby. Fat chicks are gross. Accept it."

So what do you do when this is what the world is telling you? Kate Harding leaves you with two choices, either you lose weight or you accept yourself and tell the world to fuck off. Neither road is easy, but only one leads to self-acceptance, “real-ownership of your body, to real strength and confidence.”

I believe in Harding’s description of a world where “fat women don’t automatically disqualify themselves from the dating game. A world in which fat women don’t believe there’s anything intrinsically wrong with their bodies”, because:

"Now try imagining some halfwit dickhead telling you a rapist would be doing you a favor, in that world. Imagine a man poking you in the stomach and telling you you need to work out more, moments after he comes inside of you. [...] Imagine a man telling you that you can’t leave him, because no one else will ever want your disgusting fat ass.

None of it makes a lick of sense in that world, does it?

It doesn’t in this one either.

Imagine if more of us believed that."

Crossposted from http://cuntlove.wordpress.com

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Thank you so much, for this post

arvan's picture


I think you have an accurate, powerful and fearless voice in your writing.  Your work is always engaging and relevant.  This piece is among your best. 

The real effects of brutality, sexism, violence and dehumanization are dumped onto women every day.  I suspect that that women's weight is a license for the ugly, core beliefs of sexism & misogyny to be played out in naked aggression.  it happens every day, around the planet.

You pointed this all out in a great piece here.  I am so glad to participate with you in these conversations about our sex, gender & body identities.


Thanks, BUT

Olga Wolstenholme's picture

Thanks Arvan, I would really like to take the credit on this one, but seriously I pretty much quoted Kate Harding's article and inserted a comment here and there, so I really think those great compliments should go to her. I was just trying to bring more attention to it. It's a great book, by the way. I totally recommend it if you haven't read it.

If you are very attractive

If you are very attractive and have no personality, a guy will soon get bored when the novelty wears off.

There used to be a saying - "looks attract, personality keeps"

The problem these days is that not many are interested in talking.

Sorry, but fat chicks really are disgusting.

I'm obviously very late to this party and I'll probably get blasted for this, but since I came across this site while Google-surfing (don't ask) I thought I'd provide an alternate perspective.

I am a single 33-year-old man who takes care of my body. I exercise. I don't eat at McDonalds. I don't suck down HFCS-laden soft drinks. I am athletic, toned but not too skinny (BMI of 19.5) and I am proud of the way I look and feel.

I would never, ever, consider dating an obese woman.

I don't care how smart they are, how great a personality they might have, how much money they make, etc. If they can't exercise enough self-respect and self-restraint to take care of their own bodies, then they're just not going to be an acceptable partner for me.

Let me start by taking issue with a theme that permeates your post: rape is NEVER a "compliment." The comments you and/or Kate Harding reference in your post (written, as they obviously were, by immature, intoxicated trolls from their dorm room computers) are nothing more than strawmen: the vast majority of men (and I feel confident in speaking or them) do not agree with the "you fat bitches will be lucky if you're raped" mentality you characiture in order to attempt to make your point. Rape is an inexcusable and dispicable crime regardless of who it happens to. NOBODY is "lucky" if they get raped and no rational, empathetic male would ever say that about ANYONE, regardless of how overweight or unattractive they might be.

With that said:

Obesity is strongly correlated with high blood pressure, bad cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and multiple other maladies that, if they do not outright shorten one's life, will at the very least decrease one's quality of it. This goes for men as well as women; I find morbidly obese men to be as disgusting as morbidly obese women. I pity neither of them for their lack of romance, as neither of them deserve it. If they can't take care of themselves, how can they take care of another in a relationship?

Sorry, but I do not accept fat people as "normal" any more than I accept heroin addicts as "normal." I don't know who Kate Harding is. But it really sounds like she is trying to excuse large women for their inability to exercise any sort of self-restraint or self-respect by claiming that accepting oneself in their obesity "leads to self-acceptance, 'real-ownership of your body, to real strength and confidence.'"

This is no different than telling a heroin addict to "accept themselves" and their deadly addiction. It's unhealthy. It's wrong. And it's bullshit. Kate Harding is doing a horrible disservice to the overweight women of the world by feeding them this lethal nonsense.

Sorry, but "fat chicks" really *are* gross. They are unhealthy. And, while they obviously don't deserve to be raped (seriously, your post is bullshit in this regard), they clearly lack self-respect. For that reason they would fail in a true relationship.

These people need to be encouraged to lose weight, to become healthier, to take responsibility for their own bodies. Posts like yours do these women a great disservice.

Want a man? Then lose weight. Be healthy. Take control of your body.


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