Coming out: My story

cleofaye's picture

Cross posted from

So national coming out day is sunday. I thought, in honor of this momentous occasion, I would talk a little about coming out, and leave a few closets of my own behind. I don't talk about myself too much in this blog. I mean sure, you guys probably know more about my vaginal anatomy and sexual bloopers than most of my ex's, but in terms of who I am, I tend to stay deliberately vague. There's a number of reasons for this. 1. This blog isn't really about me, it's about what I know and what I can teach others. 2. Most people in my life don't know about this blog, so I keep things vague so if they stumble on it, I won't be found out. But with a topic like coming out, you can't write about it without being personal.

There is more then one closet, and many many things to come out about. Yes the most common is coming out as gay, lesbian, or bi; but you can come out as queer, trans, kinky, poly, or say... a sex blogger. Anything that people don't generally know about you is something you have to make the decision to come out about or not.

There are a lot of reasons not to come out. If you don't know what your sexuality is and are still questioning, it's perfectly acceptable to wait until you have a better understanding of yourself to tell everyone else. If you're kinky, there may not be a reason to tell people like your coworkers or family, honestly, would you want to know if they are?

With that said, it can be hard to keep a secret, especially if you're just falling in love, don't you want to talk about your new person constantly? Suddenly it doesn't matter that it's a third in your relationship, or a boy after everyone has thought you were a lesbian.

So here it is, my coming out manifesto. Here is everything that I'm either partially or fully in the closet about, as well as some things pretty much everyone knows about me. These characteristics are not who I am, but they very much shape my experience of the world, and to understand me, one needs to understand where I am coming from. However, they are not set in stone, one day, maybe they'll change, and that's the beauty of a fluid identity, the ability to adapt and change.

1. I am queer. I'll never be straight, but honestly, I'll never be gay either. After falling in love with my first boy ever, I don't know where the future lies for me. I know that I love personalities first, and that honestly, genitalia comes last in my consideration of who I want to be with. Everyone knows this by now. Even my coworkers have been there through my ex girlfriends and an ex boyfriend. They like to call me Anne Heche, but in general, it's never been something that anyone has had a problem with.

2. I'm genderqueer. You would never know it to look at me, but I've stuggled a lot with my gender identity. If I could take a magic wand and turn myself into a boy, I would, but for me the process seems worthless if the end result doesn't involve an actual functioning penis. I an cursed with femininity, regardless of how hard I try to hide it. I have a curve figure and a face with incredibly feminine features. I've done everything from chopping my hair off to wear three sports bra everyday to give myself a more androgynous look, but I've never been able to get any more masculine then baby butch dyke. So I gave up and have resigned myself to a fairly femme look. However, I still align most strongly with the trans community and feel that if one day the technology changes, my mind may change as well.

3. I'm poly. I had a triad relationship for about 9 months a few years ago, and have had open relationships ever since. I don't know if monogomy is for me, but honestly polyamory brings a lot of work and potential drama into a relationship. Who knows, but for right now, I refuse to find myself limited to any one person.

4. I'm kinky. I'm BDSM top. I can't handle a loss of control in the bedroom, it makes me uncomfortable.

5. I'm a sex blogger. Yes, readers, I know you know this already, but the fact is a huge population of the people I know don't. My mother knows, my brother has read it, my dad has a vague idea that I do something on the internet that he doesn't really want to know about. My conservative extended family has no idea, neither do any of my coworkers. Telling people that you talk about sex all the time can ruin your credibility in certain circles, so I don't advertise this blog as much as I could, to keep it from a lot of the people in my life.

So that's it kiddies, I'm officially out... to the internet at least. Feel free to leave anything you want to come out about, even if you want to be anonymous. This is cleofaye saying, be proud of who you are and, as always, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

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