Control, Loyalty and the Big V in Lesbian Relationships

Alex Karydi's picture

We are beginning the week with the ending of the relationship myths. Hopefully some of you have been able to share your thoughts and ideas on the last two articles related to this one with a friend or partner. Maybe some things have progressed and maybe for some of you it’s just a matter of knowing what to do with all this new information. How do I incorporate this knowledge in a way that can project me forward? Well, as soon as you are made aware of something you are in a movement of change, so you’ve already started, go Girl!

 Last three myths are big ones, they are so common in relationships and for most of us they are performances we do on a daily basis that being aware of them may seem futile, at first! Lets break them down into pieces and re-adjust them so they can be managed and help us progress with change.

 The first myth has been the undoing of us all at some point or another. Women have shared this sentence with each other a million times. And even though we are an intelligent and resourceful community we can not seem to let go of this internal lie, “If I am not in complete control at all times, then there will be chaos and pain.”

Ha, Control is the greatest illusion that tears us apart. It’s what drives abuse and neglect of self and others. It has no care of respect and love. It just sees ownership and manipulation as a means to get out of pain. Pain can not be avoided, sorry, if you have a heart that beats, blood that moves through you, and a mind that produces thoughts and feelings you will feel pain.

The problem comes from us being conditioned that pain is a negative feeling that it must and CAN be avoided, if you’re good enough, if you have power and control. My Darlings, you can not run away, there is no room to hide. In fact, if it was not for pain we would not realize that we may need to change, that we might be in danger and that something is wrong. Pain is our internal alert system; it has to be strong enough to sound an alarm we can hear. So stand still, listen, feel, and let go.

 In addition, don’t give away your emotional control for situational control because you fear being left and abandoned. For example saying things like “I don’t need you” but calling a hundred times that same day. You are probably tired, re-energize by sharing with your partner how you feel, share the responsibility of care.

 Loyalty, one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. However, this myth is damaging “if you really love me you will stay with me forever, you’ll never leave.” Alas, some couples stay together and some do not for many reasons. That does not mean there was no love. Loyalty should be decided together according to the relationships limitations and not as an emotional blackmailing tool.

 Women are very loyal creatures and they are also emotional ones, at times we use our emotions as a form to be heard, and to the extreme. If problems can not be worked out, it is futile to stay in this fantasy that they may one day. You haven’t failed as an individual because the relationship grew in a different direction, s— happens, people change and move on. You’re just choosing to remain in a relationship that’s sinking, again trying to stop short-term pain. Recognize your boundaries of loyalty and when you are going too far and draining yourself. When you dismiss yourself and your needs you aren’t being true to you, and you are worth so much more.

 The Big V for Validation, there is nothing more loving when your partner validates your feelings. With that said, if you have a tape recording in your head that says “my girlfriend will never take me for granted and will always be there” that’s an unrealistically high expectation. In life things happen and we can not always be their for each other nor can we always be acutely attuned to each others feelings.

If you are someone who needs there feelings validated often then you need to share this with your partner and create an environment where you are able to do so. Validating your partner is not saying your okay with how she feels, just that you understand that she feels that way and that she needs to be heard (as long as it’s done in a respectful manner), and just because we have feelings doesn’t mean we always need to throw them on everyone we surround ourselves with. Be respectful that your feelings are your stuff, and that sharing it may not always be useful in building your relationship. It may be thoughts and actions you have to sort out for yourself.

 Did you learn anything new? Do you see where there are things you could work on starting today? Maybe you should sit down and have a coffee with your lover, share with them your thoughts and feelings about relationships and your love for each other. Maybe you are single and you can start working on some of these issues now and see who you attract in you life next and how this changes your relationships. Maybe you realized that you are not happy with who you are with, and you may need to do some deeper work and seek help. Talking to a therapist always put things into perspective.

This is not easy stuff to read or think about, but I want to thank you for trying and for allowing yourself to grow. Maybe a seed has been planted and something inside you will one day blossom from the experience and information we have shared.

 ~The Lesbian Guru 

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