days in hospital

fattou's picture

I was hospitalized in 2008, I spent 3 weeks there, it was a very tough period, it was like a prison with medicines, after K.S convinced me that I need professional help, I went to the hospital with my best friends, I left my family worried and insecure at home, I was so sad , but still playing mental games with them, I told M.Z: you will leave here and she said yes , you will be fine .

When I was admitted in the hospital, this was my worst moment ever, they took my laptop, my needles and piece of clothes I was sewing and many other things, I know that even in my worst case, I never harmed myself , I do harm others verbally, I only  attacked my wicked aunt and I tried to kick her out of the house, anyhow in a nutshell I was stripped from everything and I hated this feeling .

I shared a room with an old women, who is residing in the hospital for years, she was pain in the ass, I had a huge fight with her, because she prevented me from brining my so called friends from the patients. Besides my bad room mate, I hated the hospital regime, waking up early, obligatory shower, breakfast, then reading the news in groups, I felt I have different disease and I need special care, I hated that they underestimated my capacities.

Something else I hated in the hospital, that every doctor or any physiologist can ask you how do you feel today and ask you about your suffering, I felt I am naked and everybody is watching  me closely.

I felt OK with other women, I had fun with the drug addicts , although they really smart and using me to get my chocolates and fruits , but they were interesting , they were very proud about their sexual life, they were worried that the hospital employees will see their sex scenes on their confiscated mobiles, I never understood how they taped their sexual activity or why, I hated being this virgin when they talked. I loved their special treatment , I was envying them and they were exempted from the daily regime.

I loved the music class, where we sing what we feel, I loved singing and I felt empowered when others were listening to me, I also loved my medical team the doctor and physiologist, they believed that I will be OK, however I never felt I am weak as I felt in the hospital, I missed the street, I missed my mobile and I miss the internet
When my family came to see me, I did not speak about the tough nurses or the cleaning women who yell when I forget to collect my fallen hair in the bathroom , I never talked about the power politics between the patients , I told mama and siblings that I am OK, I am reading the sad story of love in the age of cholera or Marquis and it made me feel worse, I did not tell them that I stopped praying and that I do not want to talk to God and I am mad at him, I told them I will be just fine soon, mama thought I will kill myself like dad, I did best to prove to her that I do not have any suicidal tendencies.

I was sad that they did not allow my friends to visit me, I really missed them.
The hospital is the pain , insecurity, loneliness and the best mental games and tactics    

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