Dispelling the Myths

(Image courtesy of CultureVulture)

The Heart of Polyamory

By Millie Jackson

Being polyamorous is not determined by how many relationships someone has, but is defined by the capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time.  How polyamory translates into someone’s life can look very different from one person to the next, but polyamorists tend to agree that it espouses the tenets of honesty and consensuality practiced ethically.

When people talk about their objections to polyamory they often describe scenarios that are not polyamorous, usually referring to someone being dishonest with lovers or misleading prospective partners.  The problems they portray always come down to some unethical behavior like lying, manipulation or violating agreements.  If it is not honest, ethical and consensual, then it’s not polyamory.

Although many people automatically make unfounded assumptions, learning that someone is polyamorous reveals nothing about that person’s life-style, sexual orientation, (past, present or future) relationship dynamics, approach to sex, etc.  Polyamorists are a melting pot of diversity.  By design, how polyamorists choose to structure relationships is up to them and their partners and is very individualistic.

Polyamory is often confused with swinging in which couples exchange partners for recreational sex, but there is an important fundamental difference between these two styles of consensual non-monogamy.  Polyamory’s emphasis is on establishing emotional connections that may or may not lead to sexual intimacy.  Swinging’s emphasis is on sexual activity and typically avoids emotional involvement, which is often seen as taboo and perceived as an unwelcome disruption to the “emotionally monogamous” couple’s day-to-day relationship.  Other than when engaged in extra-curricular sexual activities, the relationship of couples that swing resembles that of a monogamous couple.

Swingers have a well-established couple-based social structure revolving around “life-style” events that include sexual activity with people they may have just met and/or may never see again.  This is separate from the emerging and growing social structure of polyamorists, which is relationship-focused and more likely to include discussion groups, potlucks and other social gatherings that are often family-friendly events.

There is some crossover between the communities, though.  A poly-curious couple may initially end up in the swinging community as they begin to explore expanding their relationship’s sexual boundaries.  Swingers may end up in the polyamory community if they happen to develop a deeper emotional connection with sex partners and want the support of a community that doesn’t consider this taboo.  Some non-monogamous people may find that they don’t clearly fit into either community.  The term “swoly” has been gaining traction and indicates a type of poly/swinger hybrid.

More a literalist in regard to polyamory, I consider the amory/love component to be an integral part.  Some of what I see within the poly community, I consider more akin to swinging.  However, given the diversity, complexity and individualized nature of the poly love-style, wide variations in how relationships are structured are not surprising.

Another misconception is that polyamory is infidelity.  When an agreement exists among partners that opens up the possibility of getting emotionally and/or sexually involved with others, it is not infidelity in the monogamous sense (where outside sexual interactions are automatically a breach).  Polyamorists could be construed as “cheating”, though, if they violate negotiated relationship parameters including agreed upon levels of disclosure.

Polyamory differs from promiscuity.  Unlike the indiscriminant nature of promiscuity, polyamorists typically choose partners more carefully and give serious consideration before adding someone to an established relationship.  Given the emphasis on disclosure and informed consent compared to initial dating in a monogamous context, there is often a greater amount of discussion that takes place as a polyamorist gets involved with a new person.  Often times, this rules out rushing into impulsive encounters.

Poly is not an inability to commit. Successful polyamorous relating requires a strong commitment to existing partners. The amount of discussion, processing and negotiating involved in maintaining healthy poly relationships takes a willingness to do the work.  Unlearning cultural programming takes a deep commitment to self-honesty and to enhancement of relationship skills while communicating openly. Strength of commitment and healthy communication are so important that polyamory is not recommended as a salvage attempt for a troubled relationship.

Because misconceptions about polyamory abound, it is as important as ever that polyamorists continue to emerge from the closets.  With more visibility, this viable alternative to monogamy can reveal the benefits of living, loving and relating more expansively.