A First Timer's Guide to Playing with Trans Guys
eros: the center for safe sex published this. I found it over at Trannywood Pictures recently and think so much of it that I am posting it here in its entirety. It's a written for participants in public sex gatherings, but really it applies to anyone. You can download the .pdf original here. They also have a guide to safe sex here.
So, why a first timer's guide to playing with trans guys?
In San Francisco, and many other places around the world, more and more transguys are coming out as gay men. Since transguys are now a much bigger part of the gay male community, we thought it was time to sketch out a bit more of a road map. We developed this guide in a gay safer-sex club setting that is trans-inclusive in its employment, policy and environment. In an effort to make the guide accurate and comprehensive, it was developed by transmasculine people and reviewed by those in the gay community, both trans and non-trans.
Transmasculine folks come in all different packages. We are incredibly diverse. We are femme, butch, faggy, masculine, straight and queer. We all fuck differently; some of us are tops, others bottoms or switches. It's important to note that you can't always tell transmasculine folks apart from non-trans men just by looking. Don't assume that someone is or isn't trans or non-trans. Sleeping with a transguy is different but only because everyone is different. It still requires communication about sex and boundaries. Our hope here is to give you some insight on some of the specific concerns of the transmasculine community. Please be aware that because we are all different, so are our concerns. When in doubt ask, but do it respectfully.
We are all one big queer community (whether we like it or not, whether we want to be or not). As sex positive queer men, it's important to respect and support each other. We don't want to bog you down with terms but we do want to mention a few. These terms are not universal. Our goal is to give you a good starting point for negotiating play with transmasculine folks. There is no such thing as right or wrong here. The only way you know which is the most preferred term is to ask your partner. There are many trans people and many of us define ourselves differently. So, yes, you might need to know a few extra terms but you may also be in for a great fuck.
For this guide, we will be using two main terms: transmasculine and non-transman.
Transmasculine – persons born or assigned female-gendered at birth who feel that this is an inaccurate or incomplete description of who they are. Common terms that transmasculine folks may identify as are: transgender, transsexual, FTM (female to male), M2M (male to male), tranny fag, genderqueer, transman, boi, trans, male and man. These terms are not an exhaustive list. There are many other terms you may hear.
Non-trans man – persons born or assigned male-gendered at birth who feel that this is an accurate or complete description of who they are.
Sex vs. Gender
Sex is biological and is based on one's genitalia. Gender is how a person presents (masculine, feminine or otherwise). Gender is a social construct, our society has created standards for how men and women should and shouldn't be and act. For many people, especially trans people, sex and gender does not conjoin the way society has decided they should.
It's important to be respectful and considerate when someone discloses their trans status to you. Some things to remember:
It's never easy to come out.
It's OK to not be interested.
It's OK to want to give it some thought.
It's not OK to attack or demean someone.
It's OK to be curious, just be mindful of your approach.
It's all about being respectful. Please be aware of your assumptions. We all may have our idea of transmasculine people, but try not to make any assumptions on one's identity, hormonal status, and surgical status. A transman is no less of a man.
We all come to the sex club for the same reason; sex in some way, shape or form. Playing with transmen isn't different, or the same, as playing with non-trans men and it doesn't make you any less gay or male. We do have different equipment. We may, or may not, think differently about sex but the first step of any healthy play, communication remains crucial. Regardless of gender or sex, save and enjoyable sex is all about good communication. Through communication we are able to take care of our partners and ourselves.
Language is complex, especially when it comes to people who are blurring gender lines. It's important to be mindful of the pronouns you use when referring to transmasculine folk. Your best bet is to adk, but it's probably a safe bet to use male pronouns (he/him). If you mess up that's OK, but own up to it and get it right the next time. There are also language considerations around bodies and body parts. Many of us have different names for what's under our clothes than an anatomy chart might give. Rethinking your ideas of gender and bodies is an important first step to creating new words for body parts. Remember, the most important sex organ is your brain. Use it. It's still important to ask what one prefers rather than just assume.
It's also important to be mindful of questions we ask transmasculine folks. Before you ask a question, consider whether it's relevant to playing with that person. If it's not, save the question until a later date when you have more of a foundation with them. It really ruins the mood to have someone question your entire identity prior to sex and can be offensive.
Transmasculine bodies come in many varieties. Some of us choose to take hormones, others do not. Some choose to have surgeries, others do not. Some want to take hormones, or have surgery, and cannot due to personal circumstances and/or inadequate access to health care. Regardless of one's hormonal or surgical status, they deserve to be treated as the gender they have chosen. Hormones and surgeries do not make the transman. One shouldn't assume, just because one identifies as trans that they have had, or even want, to take testosterone and/or have surgery. Diversity makes the world go around and transmasculine folks are no different.
Many transmasculine folks have boundaries around where they like, and do not like, to be touched. Again not all do, and not all of us have the same boundaries but some common boundaries are the chest and front hole.
Some guys may love to have their front hole filled up, while for others that may be a hard limit. Some like it in the ass. Sexually transmasculine people are just as divers as non-trans gay men. Some just want to suck you off or be sucked off. Some just want to be jerked off. Trans cock is just smaller size but it appreciates the same type of touch.
Chests are another area to be aware of especially for those who have not had or chosen to have top surgery. Some might be into having their chest touched, others not. Also, it's important to recognize that not all trans folks are body dysphoric (unhappiness with one's biological sex or its usual gender role, with the desire for the body and role of the opposite sex). Everyone should follow the path that feels right to them. All of our trans bodies are sexy. Moral of the story: ask!
When it comes to topping and bottoming, don't just assume. Many of us love strapping on a big fat cock and fucking a tight ass (The great thing about silicone cocks is that they never go soft and can be any size), others want to bend over and take it, and some may not be into any sort of penetrative sex. Sex can come in many forms. It's important to talk about safer sex boundaries when talking about sex. Transmasculine folks have different equipment to keep safe and our concerns may be different. Check in with your play partners about their sexual health and boundaries. \
Thanks for reading!
We hope this guide has been able to provide you with some language and thoughts about how to approach transmasculine folks in a respectful and real way. When in doubt, good communication will get you far. We wish you luck and a lot of good fucks.