The Fuck-Buddy System

rabbitwhite's picture

The fuck buddy system is broken. No scratch that, it never really worked to begin with. I can get behind one night stands and promiscuity, I believe in polyamory and swinging– but fuck buddies, I just can’t get behind. I am anti fuck-buddy.

I recently had a reader ask for insight on a fuck-buddy situation she’d gotten herself into: “He’d never initiate contact but then would respond to my emails and then invite me over. Even when I know we had an awesome time together aside from the sex, he doesn’t acknowledge me.  I know this is toxic for me and I want to get my mind off of him and move on.”

For those of you who have been down this dismal beaten path, you  know that what she is describing is classic fuck-buddy. This also proves my point as to why fuck-buddies don’t work:  the fuck buddy system  is just a relationship without communication. Which will never work. Either you start talking and it becomes one (whether monogamous or non) or you don’t and stay in limbo.

It’s a cliche, but in any fuck-buddy situation one person will inevitably develop “special feelings.” I was once that person. Even though I barely saw him, he was always on my mind. It grew into an obsession. Every move of mine was calculated and it seemed his was too, but he was winning. It was a constant game of one-upping each other. And even though when we danced it was like moving on clouds, and even though our sex seemed telepathic…the relationship was in my head.

The game is often this: One person plays the icy, unavailable or uninterested role while the other compensates with thinly veiled warmth. Would a fuck-buddy situation work if both parties were actually icy and detached? It seems that would result in “eh I could fuck you but I’d rather just lay on this couch and stare.”

Honestly, I don’t think this is satisfying or healthy to either individual. Rather, it is destructive.

To the reader, my advice would be: process what happened, what old buttons it pushed, why you stayed there then get to moving on. Or, alternatively start opening up, communicate about you feel and see where it goes. Just a simple “hey I am uncomfortable with this whole thang goin’ on, and THIS is how I feel” is an excellent start.

There are ways to have (real) no-strings-attached  sex, when you want it:

Some people might fall into the “possible future partner” category while others will be one-night-fucks. For the possible future-lovies, save their number in your phone, make a date. Then take that hot-but-not -your-type one home for sexing. Don’t save this their number in your phone. Oh and be safe, of course.

Anonymous sex does not translate into continuous sex.. But, if you want it to then you better start talking ’cause getting into that icy-hot guessing game is not known for  pretty endings.

So, reader you are def not alone. I’ve been there, I tried playing icy back with cool and after a year of fucking once a month, sparse text messages and “accidentally” bumping into one and other at clubs, I ended up with the biggest broken heart of my life–even though the relationship was mostly in my head. You’ve got my support in ending it and alternatively, my best wishes in talking-it-out.

What about you, readers? Ever find yourself in fuck-buddy-limbo? Do share the wisdom.

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this is a great conversation to have

arvan's picture

I have absolutely zero first-hand experience in the fuck-buddy realm, however.  I've done plenty of one-night stands, cheating on someone or having sex with someone else that was in a relationship.  Most of the time, I was a serial monogamist.

However, a lot of people have fuck-buddies - telephone numbers that get dialed from the cell phone at 1am.  I've even been handed a friend's cell phone at 11pm and told to keep it over night to prevent the fuck buddy from being drunk dialed. 

Sort of reminds me of a latter day Lawrence Talbot demanding to be locked in a room while the full moon rises in the sky with strict orders to not open the door under any circumstances.

"Note to self: Give Arvan my cell phone before the Red Bull & Grey Goose!"

There is so much at work here, that it is impossible for me to delude even myself that I have a real understanding of the whole fuck-buddy system.  Some very likely influencing factors:

- Society & cultural pressures combine to impact how we engage in sex, in finding sex and in relating to the person we are having sex with.

- Personal skills (or lack thereof) in communication and negotiation

- Alcohol & other mind effecting chemicals

- Hormones

- Age, money, sexual history, class, race, gender, sex, body image / shape, esteem, family history and so much more.

So, all that just to say that - for me, I can't see making the whole fuck-buddy thing work.  That is not to even suggest that it's hard or bad in any way.  Like anything else, I am sure that it works for some folks and not for others.   Not everyone who tries it will like it and some people will never try it but if they did, they would love it.

Thanks, rabbit for another great contribution to these conversations and this site.

To give you guys a different

To give you guys a different point of veiw,

 I have a fuck buddy.. I've been purely "fucking" him for the past year. And I'm loving it. However there is a couple tricks to it...

They have to be good looking,

Have a good body

and obviously be good in bed.
But they also have to have a horrible personality, well not so that you can't stand them just enough so you don't fall in love.

The only time we text is if we're arranging to have sex, or if we are talking about sex.

I think the key bit is that we don't kiss on the lips, it just detaches you. Athough I think I am becoming addicted to therell be a problem if he gets a girlfrind before me!

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