Holding the mirror

book of blue's picture

Photo by Eric Francis.

Sister P,

OK I get the picture.

Yes, polyamorous situations call for us to have a high level of integrity, mutual awareness, generosity and this elusive thing called compersion. I am familiar with the hemisphere effect: being of “two minds,” and the love/approach vs. guilt/avoid. The self-hate is guilt, if you ask me, we just don’t usually call it that because guilt implies something is actually wrong when it usually is not. We come up against all this shadow stuff fast and can feel really weird when it happens because we are so accustomed to self-reproach when we feel it.

A selflove-in is a group masturbation experience. Now, the one I’m planning for the Loving More conference in a few weeks will likely have about 25 present (since it’s a conference and you have a large captive audience, of curious people). I prefer five to seven people present so we can all track one another. This might be a good time to sculpt the whole thing with some craftsmanship. Maybe take it as far as admission by interview. Truly see if there is some common ground.

Doing it together is a friendly, direct way to explore compersion, pleasure, openly-expressed desire and to allow one another to BE without attachment or judgment. Sex is a catalyst for a cascade of other thoughts and sensations. Basically you get to break every sexual taboo at once, and an inner portal opens.

Within a group, cofacilitators could serve to hold the space. Others would have a mirror and walk around holding it to people’s faces one at a time. Imagine that, you’re masturbating in a room full of people and someone walks up to you and gently puts a mirror to your face. You see yourself in this state of existence as everyone, or the people close to you or in the line of view.

Once you plunge through the embarrassment, you can come out in a place of unfettered liberation and unselfconscious self-awareness. At the very least you will stretch a boundary. And that can bring some authentic emotional release. The embarrassment is fuel and it burns fast.

You can also do this with one or two lovers present, rather than a group, though it does not exactly fall into the general heading of what would be appealing to most who consider themselves conservative; it’s a direct confrontation with self and that is going to dislodge something. A. and I played this way last weekend. After holding the mirror for her for a while and telling her how beautiful she is, I set it up next to some pillows near her face and disappeared to another room so she could be alone and explore herself…I dozed off and awakened to her thundering moans. She then held the mirror for me and watched me let go looking at my own face.

I am proposing that this is a basic, deep, effective means of healing self-esteem and sexual hangups. And it’s true, we need a way to do this because for the most part we are struggling with these things precisely.

I have written a number of descriptions of these events and personal experiences. I am planning one or more for Burning Man, complete with drums and torch-light in the desert night.


(Posted at Book of Blue)

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