I'm seeing the Lesbian Relationship Myths I just want the Truth!
So where did we leave off? Yes, mixed messages, dysfunctional thinking, fear of abandonment, and insecurities, the perfect recipe for an unhappy self and unhealthy relationship. So how do we change?
How do I move past this and into something healthy. Lets look at four more myths and then work on soothing and healing the wounds from within.
When people hear the word healing they begin to assume that it means to be happy all the time. Do you know anyone that is happy all the time? (and not because they are on something that's making it so)
Myth- that in order "to make a relationship work I have to be happy all the time," and make things agreeable for my partner. Well that works if your Super Woman and you have an endless supply of energy. However, if your like me, a mortal with ups and downs then acceptance is the key.
Depression is very common in women (National Institute of Mental Health states it effects 1 in 4 adults, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtm) and many of us struggle with other mood disorders such as bipolar, anxiety, post-traumatic stress etc.
There is no shame in that, in fact the more your willing to see all the pieces that make you and love them for being parts of what makes you whole, the more peace you will feel. It begins with looking within and talking to a therapist to cope with those emotions and feelings.
Think of the chemicals in your brain that fluctuates and control your moods like a body of water, an ocean, sometimes you have rough seas and sometimes there will be stillness Nothing ever remains the same. Therefore you will not feel like this forever, it's just for a moment in time, so ride the wave.
Myth- Lesbians are famous for this one "I trust you totally, completely, and immediately." How many times have you said that line? "I trust you, I don't know why I just do" also known in our community as U-hauling. Here's the thing, when you first meet a woman your attracted too, chemicals in your brain are released in such large amounts you could be considered as being "HIGH" so that whole I trust you in a moment is love intoxication.
It will balance out in a few months but until then be aware of it. The truth is that trust is built over time, first you need a foundation before the structure can go up. Another facet of trust is if you came from a home where trust was inconsistent, you never knew what was going to happen or who you could rely on, you developed a skewed view of trust.
Trust became something that wasn't realistic, and you associated it with pain. So you did the next best thing and learned to take care of yourself. If you ever want a healthy relationship your going to have to learn to trust and let go of your old beliefs. Here's the break down of what that trust means:
- Trust means your girlfriend/wife will not abuse you in any form: emotional (causing guilt, humiliation, pain), physical (hitting, biting, kicking, slapping, and choking), psychological (threatening suicidal and/or homicidal intentions), or sexual (rape and/or forced genital contact). Girls this means even one time is not okay, and needs to be discussed or seek help by trained counselors @ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). This is not a safe or respectful relationship where you can show your feelings and develop trust.
- Trust means that you'll be honest with your partner. No lying, manipulating or any forms of abuse!
- Trust means you both won't deliberately hurt each other. For example, making each other jealous by using other women. That's a no no and very unkind to all involved, remember "Do onto others what you want done to you."
- Trust means you are free to grow and develop as a person without judgment or criticism.
- Trust is stability. That means your behaviors and actions towards each other are consistent, what you say today can be counted on because it will be so tomorrow.
- Trust means a shared and agreed commitment to each other, "If you say to me we won't sleep with other women" then you don't cheat! Same goes if the rules change and you want something different (like an open relationship), you inform your partner so that they can have the RIGHT to choose if that's something they need or want.
- Trust means that confidence will be kept, "what happens between us stays between us!" That also goes back to respecting your lover and them trusting in you.
Without trust intimacy can not flourish and develop. Without trust we can not be are true selves, we have to hide behind too many masks. Without trust you can not develop love and passion, as there will always be a wall separating you from her. It can be soothed but you need to be willing to do some work and maybe get some help from the outside to find it.
I'll give you this much Authentic Trust makes for amazing love-making and intimacy beyond your wildest dreams, because your both Free. Might just be worth the inner work and time!
Myth- "We will do everything together," sure if you want to go crazy. It's nice when we enjoy each other but there needs to be time for yourself and friends too (and no my friends don't need to be your friends!). You need to have boundaries with each other and be respectful of each others space. This will help support a loving relationship, one which allows for growth and individuality.
Last myth for the day, one I deal with all the time with my clients in recovery and otherwise. "If you can not anticipate and know what I want without me having to ask for it, then it has no value" "You need to know my thoughts, wishes, and desires." I don't know about you ladies but there is nothing in my little head that can help me read minds.
That is an unrealistic expectation, and a very distorted one that many of us grew up with. We won't say what we want for our birthday's, or ask for sex, or share a thought because to us it seems like it means less if we have to ask for it. Well, the value is in receiving not playing a guessing game. If you want something be honest and ask for it, most of the time the our partners has no idea what you want and need if we haven't shared it with them. You will keep getting disappointed and hurt, if you base everything on how much can be read off the top of your head. So if you catch yourself saying "she's suppose to know that!" Cut it out!
Let her know before hand what she's supposedly suppose to know when it comes to your needs and wants. Expectations are discussed and agreed upon by setting up Personal Relationship Rules. It can go something like this: When I'm sad I'll let you know and I would appreciate it if you gave me some time when you can devote 100% to me so I may share it with you. If that's reasonable to both of you then keep it, if it's not then put it back on the table and renegotiate the rule.
The last three myths are so important that the whole next article will be devoted to them. They are Control, Loyalty, and Validation. It is important to give yourself time to absorb all this information. Again, all of this can be found in the book Struggle for Intimacy by Janet Woititz.
Write down some of your thoughts or discuss it with a friend or your girlfriend/wife. Explore how these myths have affected you and your relationship/s. Learn so you can grow.
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