Kinky sex with cleofaye: Finding your kinks

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Cross posted from www.cuntlove.wordpress.com

We’ve talked about sharing your kinks with your partner, but first, you need to discover your kinks for yourself. Some people grow up knowing what they are into, other people don’t know until they see or try it. People have also found the opposite to be true as well, not realizing that something scared or upset them until they saw/tried it.  Here are a few suggestions for how to figure out what appeals to you, and what doesn’t.

1. Fantasize. The fact is, you’ve probably thought of at least one or two kinky things you’d like to do without having to actively try. When you think about erotic things or when you’re fantasizing, is there something specific that pops up? Are you often outside or in front of a crowd? You might be an exhibitionist. Are you watching people or videotaping? You might be a voyeur. Let your mind wander and don’t be scared to let it go anywhere and everywhere. Just because you’ve thought about it doesn’t mean you have to do it in real life.

2. Explore a sex store. Make sure it’s a good one you feel comfortable in and that you have plenty of time to browse and ask questions. Look around, touch things, smack your hand with a paddle, try the flogger on your arms. See what sensations feel good, or at least interesting enough to explore further. Also, take note of what freaks you out or scares you and try to figure out why. This will go a long way in preventing freak outs during a session.

3. Try porn. First a word of warning, don’t go on to one of those clip porn sites and click the fetish category. There is waaay more scat porn out there then you  realize and it’s enough to put anyone off kink for quite some time, so do yourself a favor and narrow your search (unless that’s what you’re interested in exploring, in that case, knock yourself out). For kinks that are a little edgier or you’re not sure of, I would suggest written word porn. It’s far less jarring, even at its most graphic, then video porn. It can allow you to explore things that might be too much for you to take in real life, like hard core S&M or rape fantasies, and gives you a safe medium where you know no one is actually being put in any danger.

Finally, once you’ve decided what it is that you’re interested in, I suggest figuring out how important each of your kinks are to you. There’s generally three categories.

1. Kinks you’re interested in. These are things you’ve never done, but want to try. Maybe you’ve read about or watched them and they seem like they could be fun, but you’re not very attached to them. If you were in a relationship and your partner was uninterested, it wouldn’t bother you or affect the relationship in any way.

2. Kinky you’re fascinated by. These are kinks that you actively enjoy, but haven’t tried yet, usually because you’ve been too shy/embarrassed to share your feelings or you haven’t found a willing partner. Usually you already enjoy this kind of porn and enjoy fantasizing  about doing it a lot. If you were in a relationship and the partner were uninterested, you would probably try to negotiate making this kink happen. It may affect a relationship long term if a compromise can’t be reached.

3. Kinks that are full on kinks. These are kinks you LOVE. You watch this kind of porn, you’ve probably actively engaged in the behaviors before. You consider this kink a vital part of your sexuality. If you are in a relationship with a partner who is uninterested, it is a deal breaker.

Once you know what you’re interested in, and how important it is to you, you can go into the kink talk completely prepared. It also helps you have a better and varied sex life (even if it’s just a fantasy life at the moment.) So go out there and explore. See what you like. Read something, watch something, and determine your comfort level. If you love reading about something, but can’t stand to watch it in real life, that’s fine. If you love watching  real people doing something but never want to try it yourself, that’s fine too. Just remember not to limit yourself, and have fun!

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