Lesbian Relationship Myths versus Truths!

Alex Karydi's picture

You are Gay, you live in a city and you have or are in search of a relationship. Life moves fast and we are all trying to accomplish all our goals and have a woman in our life that loves us, nourishes us, and allows us to be ourselves. So what is the problem? Why can we not find a long-term relationship that is healthy and real?

Finding a long-term healthy relationship is a personal journey and in order to do so we are going to have to break down the myths of relationships. These myths make us unhealthy and attract the crazies versus truths of being in a relationship. Hopefully this will allow you to have some realistic expectations of yourself, women and relationships.

1.Okay, so this one is pretty common: "If I have a girlfriend then I will lose my identity." The reality is that if you have been in a relationship where the person has taken your identity you probably were not in good shape. Relationships are meant to enhance us. They are meant to fill us so more of who we are can shine. If you are stunted in your relationship it might be time for a talk or get counseling for you and her. No one can take pieces of who you are unless you allow it.

2.This one gets me every time and I say it quite a lot myself "If you knew the real me then you could not possibly love that!" Yuk, right! I know, what low self-esteem to think that within us exists such darkness that no one could love us.

The reality is that when you have not been looking or were not aware, you're not so positive traits have already come up and if she is still standing there then she still cares.

So just maybe you are not that bad. In addition to that, we all have good and not so charming histories and character traits but that does not make us unlovable (just interesting!) and like I once told someone I care about "It is the not so good, ugly bits that need the most love so they can heal and grow, so let them shine sweetheart!"

3."I am not perfect! So you will leave me!" What, you are not Wonder Woman? So what! Who cares, there is no such thing as perfect, look at nature nothing is perfect. The world is filled with imperfections!

It is all part of what makes you and that cannot be duplicated. It is the scare on your leg, the shape of your breast, the way you pronounce certain words, you think out loud and the way you walk in a room that makes me love you. None of that can be scored or quantified, it just is!

Do not push all that away because you fear being abandoned, know you have those fears of being left behind, talk about them and let them go.

4."We are one!" No you are not, you are you, she is she and together you make a relationship that is the reality. When you cannot separate yourself from your love you can end up pushing them away and making abandonment more likely.

Here is where you learn to ask for what you need and also learn to fulfill it within yourself. Love or Lust addicts are famous for this, getting hooked on the intensity then pushing the person away and moving on to the next love high!

5."Being vulnerable is scary and I am always taken advantage of." Yes, sometimes being vulnerable sucks and we get hurt and it is the ONLY way to get close to someone and build intimacy. So gently let down those barriers and let her in slowly.

Remember you should always have healthy boundaries not barriers they build a distance between you and others.

6."We will never argue or be judgmental of each other." People argue, we cannot always agree because that would be robotic and inauthentic! It is okay to get mad and it is okay to have an opinion, it is just how you communicate it.

Whaling, screaming and threatening is not okay, you need to learn to sit down and have a way of communicating anger in a healthy way. For example, I always write down my thoughts before I share them, it gives me a chance to vent to myself and know what I really want to say and what I can let go of because that is my stuff.

7."Everything is my fault; I'm a bad girlfriend/wife!" Blame and shame are horrible feelings and they have the power to make us feel worthless. Remember, because you feel this way does not mean your partner sees that in you.

Sometimes we feel/think that if we control everything, then we are responsible for everything, including making the changes we feel are needed! This in turn pushes us to hide things and keep secrets so that we are not found out, making us dishonest. Allow yourself to see there are good things you do and yes maybe there is some stuff that can and should be changed but that comes with being honesty and communication.

It is hard when we have grown up in homes we were not taught these skills. Whereas children we had to learn not so healthy ways to save our sanity, but you were a child and that is all you knew and that is okay. That is why there is the present so you can change as of today. We do not always have control but we do have a mind and it has endless opportunities for growth and healing. Use it!


In the next two articles we will look further into seven more myths and truths that will help in getting you on the healthy road to lesbian love!

If at any time reading this information you feel that you may need more help there are a lot of experienced and competent therapist that deals with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) issues. For more information contact your insurance company and get the list of providers, this will tell you their information and their fields of expertise.

Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru

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