Lesbian Relationships: How do I make it work?
Some days I just want to give up. I don’t want to have to try so hard anymore or wonder if it will ever happen for me, finding that someone that completes me that makes things right and that won’t leave.
I never felt that way in the straight world, I always felt secure in my relationships with men. Now looking back, it could be that I was relaxed in the safety of knowing that no matter what happened with them I would be fine.
Being a Lesbian and finding my identity has been a challenge and has pushed me to understand the dynamics of gay/lesbian relationships and why they flourish or fail. For years I have been living in a surreal notion of what being with a person should look like, but the truth has been complicated and hurtful and left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.
As my wounds heal and my journey of self and health continues I have met many along the way that have helped me come slowly closer to understanding gay relationships. The lesbian world is unstable and a vicious mix of insecurities and fears. Lesbian relationships are hard enough, but women are susceptible to issues that often men will never understand or know. Isolation, distrust, abandonment, abuse plagues our community and often it pushes us away from each other.
So how do we overcome our fears, how can we CREATE a functioning and healthy relationship?
- Stop guessing what is normal! Stop looking at the TV, Jill and Mary who have the perfect relationship, and anything else that has nothing to do with you or is surreal. Make your own version of NORMAL with your partner. Find what works for the two of you, not anyone else.
- Relationships are a project and they need work, LOTS of it and time. You need to develop the relationship and invest trust slowly. Allowing it to grow according to what you are both willing share.
- Stop lying! I know it seems easier than disappointing you lady and dealing with guilt, but it will catch up with you and then trust will be compromised in people who already have difficulty with it.
- Accept who you are and please STOP judging yourself without mercy. Instead of finding fault in yourself try and look at the issue and make a decision from there. Look at how you behave. Become an observer of self, not a critique; learn your responses to stress and anxiety. Remember, when you judge yourself you are also inclined to start judging others, and that can be hurtful.
- Have fun… let your loved ones teach you how. Ask them to teach you how!
- Stop taking life so seriously!
- Confront your difficulty with intimate relationships. If you cannot trust you cannot be intimate with a person because intimacy is a commitment and a vulnerability that a couple share and that makes them stronger.
- Stop overacting to change; you do not have CONTROL of everything. Be flexible and if the rules and norm change or need to change, talk about it.
- You don’t need everyone’s approval and affirmation all the time. You need to see that within yourself, otherwise you will NEVER believe the woman that sees all the beauty within you.
- You are not so different from anyone else. We all struggle with relationships, with people, and the world. Hang in there. You are not alone and you are not different!
- You are extremely loyal even when the evidence shows you shouldn’t be- loyalty to yourself comes first and don’t let anyone abuse you.
- We are either super responsible or super irresponsible- you need to be okay with asking for help and remember, you don’t have to handle everything alone. You are not alone and intimacy is built on asking for help on making yourself vulnerable. Say the words “I need you,” “Hear me out,” and “Can you help me.”
- Take one step at a time and stop acting impulsively. A relationship is a journey and you need to pace yourself when getting there.
Just because you know what you don’t want does not mean you know what you do want. You need to work on yourself daily and your relationships. You need to learn what a healthy lesbian relationship is because our role models are limited.
You need to learn and be active in wanting to achieve a healthy lesbian relationship, and you are going to have to change habits to make it happen. You will struggle, You will make mistakes, You will feel discouraged, that is unavoidable, but amazingly you will also feel trust, love, happiness, growth, security, support, serenity, companionships, partnerships, excitement, sharing and so many other joys.
You will never know unless you take the challenge. You will never have the love you want or family you desire if you don’t make the choice to challenge yourself and let go of everything you know to try something different.
There is the cliff… Jump… I can’t tell you how you’ll fall but you won’t die from it and you may just surprise yourself on what you land on.
~The Lesbian Guru
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru