The Lesbian Sabotage
I walked into my therapist office (aka my co-worker whom I love and adore) and sat on her comfy client’s chair and with a big smile said “Guess what? I met someone! She is perfection, seriously Robin she is magnificent and I am crazy about this girl!” All the while my sweet Lady of Reason is nodding her head with her pen gently pressed against her lip with a half smile.
She waits for me to finish my ecstatic advertisement of my new found love and says with her gentle but firm therapist tone “Wow, have you slept with her yet?” “No, Ma’am this one I am going to take my time with and get to know… no more psychodyckos for me she is the real deal!” As she looks down at the ground which she always does just before she says something she thinks may hurt me “That’s great, you did good… So how are you going to stop your self-sabotaging ways with this one?”
I felt my gut turn because I knew exactly what she was referring too, she’s never actually referred it to me like that before but none the less she’s seen me go through enough relationships where my mind and behavior fought and pushed away the one I love.
Have you ever started a relationship and then began the search for what is not right about the person? Oh Lord, I hate when I begin this quest! It is as if my heart begins to beat fast and my mind slows down and says, “Now remember everyone is crazy and wants something so DO NOT trust this person.” You begin to nitpick at every possible thing you can find to reassure and empower your negative thinking.
This is your angry, hurt, negative part that ALWAYS wants to be right. The part of you that says “you are worthless, you are ugly, stupid, they all hate you, you will always be alone, or you do not ever deserve to find somebody, etc…” this part will not shut up until it’s made it’s point and that’s the beginning of self-sabotage.
For some of us it is so ingrained and old we don’t even know it’s there or realize we are doing it, that our crappy self-esteem is slowly winning the war of negative empowerment and that we are pushing people we love or care further and further away!
Back to my Robin, so I look at her now and say “Listen here Lady, I did not sleep with her and I think that’s pretty impressive, no? But I am a little worried because you know she is in recovery and you know the deal with us is at anytime it’s back on the dirt breathing dust again!” She giggles and smiles “Jeez, Alex your already thinking about the poor girl relapsing? A bit stuck in fear aren’t we and focusing on a future that has not happened yet! You might have to go check you’re Serenity Prayer!”
Now she is frustrating me to no end, but I realize right there how self-sabotaging that was and that I jumped into an unknown future and I had to do as she said and read “…Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace…”
As I left her office I began to think of my behavior towards women I fell or have fallen in love with. How much I must of drove them crazy with my “I need you right now’s, and leave me alone your getting too close.” I thought of all the times I made them jealous intentionally to observe a reaction of fear just to know they were truly mine.
The worst thing of all is with every fight, some which I purposefully started, I would always say “I guess it’s over, this is just not working for me!” Always coming from the fears of abandonment and them walking out the door to someone better (because obviously there must be someone better than me, why would you ever want to be stuck with me?)
I would say the complete opposite, what I wanted to say was “Stay, hold me, kiss me, I need you!” I remembered all them saying to me at least once “Why don’t you cry, it’s like you don’t care and you look so cold,” and with my lips always feeling so heavy I cannot bare to whisper, “I cry when I am alone when you are not near me otherwise you’ll know I care.”
Great! Now I know I love killing relationships with people I love, so how do you overcome it? You change the way you think!
1. Ask yourself new questions. So instead of “I wonder what is wrong with her” or “Will she stay in recovery?” Say “I wonder what we will learn together?” Make a list of all the positives of the relationship and the person or situation.
2. Relax, take one day at a time, and trust that it will be as it should. As my favorite prayer says “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
3. Stop all those negative tags in your mind. Sometimes we just need to tell our brain to “Shut the F— up!”
4. Stop comparing yourself to others, you are not them and you have no freaking idea what they have been through or will go through in the future! Just stay focused on you, focus on what you can control which is you! You have to trust enough in yourself to know it will work!
5. Make goals and new and healthy belief systems, for example one of mine is “You deserve a healthy relationship, and to be loved beyond this worlds limits, you are beautiful!”, and don’t think I don’t say that shit every morning in the mirror with my three year looking at me like I am crazy!
6. Make a Poster of what you want, need and desire. I have one that takes up half my bathroom wall and people always leave my home saying they are going to go home and make one because it is beautiful to see dreams in colors on paper! (and it’s like magic, it really works when you stare at it and hold the picture in your head, yes I am crazy and so what?)
7. Always, always, always ask yourself “What do I want?” Validating and recognizing your needs is so important and I remind you that you are a person that can, should and has wants! Stop focusing on pleasing others and build your own lesbian esteem by spending moments in the day focusing just on you!
Robin may have been right that I used to do this, but today is a new day and this lady will get to see a healthier side (well at least a little healthier, it’s still a work in progress!)
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru