Love and the loss of dignity on the Playa
Send someone else...
She rocked my hips and guided me toward myself using her emotions as a beacon. Standing on either side were two men. Their eyes engulfed me with their witness. In the mirror in front of me, I could look at them or look at myself; I chose myself. She leaned with her breath close to my ear. ‘Forget about dignity’, she advised softly. ‘That’s what it’s about. Now’s when you can let it all go’. To me that meant moan. It meant let it happen, and press my feet into the floor to stretch my thighs, so I did. I would say that I grunted shamelessly but in truth I grunted out my shame and loved the guttural quality of the emotion. ‘There you go, baby’, she said. ‘Both of these boys are going to fuck me soon and I’m gonna take it like you are now’.
I didn’t know if that meant she would do it right there, but before that thought flashed through my mind, she was getting up. I would not see, though I would know. She reached over and squeezed the tip of my penis, making it twitch. ‘Is there anything I can do for you?’ she said teasingly. ‘Send someone else’, I said. I heard the words come out, and gasped slightly as my eyes glanced hers. ‘I’ll see what I can do’, she said, and stood up slowly and glided to the door, followed by her lovers. I fucked myself mercilessly. I sang to the city outside as the night world thrived. Gradually I settled back to earth and into a slow rhythm of upward plunges, and flooded the space with my presence.
I was alone again, in the dim light of the Erodome. Just as human presence had sent me deeper into myself, solitude sent me deeper still. I was again aware of faint sounds from the street outside. I pumped and rocked with new abandon, and I let my voice go. My awareness burst onto what felt like a wide field of reality, where I was alone but not alone; where it was silent but where the invisible presence of others vibrated with an energy that most resembled sound.
Each time I rocked and pulled and penetrated myself again, a wave of energy rippled into the ether, carried by my voice. Then I would listen into the silence, and I recognized that I was listening for a reply. In the distance, I could sense that others were exploring themselves as well. I responded to this by dropping deeper into myself, by letting go of any vestiges of resistance that I was aware of, resistance that I recognized as judgment or as shame as it immolated. Naked felt beautiful and beautiful felt free. I pressed my feet into the plastic sheet that separated me from the ancient lake bed of the playa. As I felt myself ground into the Earth, my awareness expanded.
My pleasure felt like a beacon of acceptance and selfsurrender. I plunged again, and the energy surged up through my core, light up my heart center and emanated from my forehead. I looked down into the mirror and made eye contact again and I was aware of being on the etheric level and in the room simultaneously; the sense of two places at once.
“Listen to that. I’m curious what’s happening.”
It was a softly spoken female voice, behind me.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” another female voice replied. This one I recognized – Siobhan, the Irish girl I had been speaking to and longing for this morning, the youngest member of our camp. Her long, dark blond hair swayed in the dim light of the room, and I could see the outline of her body in a white sun dress. She was 18 and, from what I had learned that morning, a virgin.
With her was Fun Sway, who I had met in passing a few times but hadn’t had a chance to meet; this was our first direct encounter.
She sidled up next to me and said, “Hi Fidel! Nate sent us. She said something interesting was happening in here and that it involved you.”
I looked at her and then I looked at Siobhan. Her eyes searched deep into mine, too deep for comfort. I looked into the mirror for refuge, and her eyes followed me there. They were both as consumed in their curiosity as I was in my experience. I looked back and forth between their faces, continuing to plunge into myself repeatedly. I had stopped moaning when I became aware of their presence, but again I let go of my voice and let the feelings of pleasure and confession.
Siobhan studied my face and I studied hers, and I felt a surge of orgasm percolate from me, the rare, magnificent sensation of orgasm from penetration alone. I was suddenly aware of my cock springing from my core like a tree branch, and with the sensation of imminent orgasm I did not want the pleasure to end.
With a wave of emotion and a deep rumble in my chest, I single perk of semen spouted out of me, bubbling up from a new and unfamiliar place. I caught it in my palm and licked it off without hesitation. Its grassy scent and indescribable flavor washed through my senses and seemed to fill the room. My face was wet and cool in the night air, and I swallowed looking at Siobhan as she gasped softly. I had climaxed but the tension I was holding did not leave me. In fact it only heightened, and I rocked and plunged again. I barely recognized my own face. I knew that soon I might need to again, and I wanted to be looking at her, such a beautiful mirror.
“Oh my god, this is intense,” Fun Sway announced.
Siobhan sat down in front of me, next to the mirror, and gazed at me compassionately and held me in her deeply comforting empathy. I pressed my feet into the floor again and pulled hard on the rocker, arching my back forward and showing her what it was like to be fucked.
The space opened up again – the etheric dimension where people go when they are making love to themselves. Again I was fully in both places. I wanted to explain to her where I was and what was happening. But I could not speak.