You might ask how this is possible. Sometimes I wonder, but at the time it’s obvious; it’s an experience of embracing reality; and an experience of love. Compersion is not about sex or sexual pleasure, or at least that is not what makes it possible; it’s about love that embraces every feeling, and every aspect of relationship.
For me this experience would not have been what it was, were I not deeply in love with her, as deep as in any monogamous relationship. I am adventurous and flirtatious and there are many people I love and share erotic energy with on some level. Yet the part of me that loves, what I call the devotional ray, loves completely. I was going to correct that to ‘aspires to love’ but the experience I have is of the feeling moving through me rather than me doing something.
The experience we had was something she and I had talked about many times and that she finally talked to him about some weeks ago; and which, as it turned out, she created by inviting us both home with her. I was aware that visiting her home for the first time was under these particular circumstances. Then the experience was unfolding. She was naked and his mouth was on her and for me that was the moment of reality; of embracing what was so.
I thought it would push me harder, or deeper into a psychologically submissive state: that is how the phantasy differed from the reality. The reality was easy, and gentle. I embraced her, that is, held her with my hands and arms, and surrounded them energetically, and slipped into the experience like a warm bath. I had a clue what would happen; what was likely to unfold. We had not agreed to any one scenario. The movements were all spontaneous.
I wanted to feel and witness and experience them making love as naturally as possible, as was natural for them, so much as was possible with me being present. As each moment unfolded and each change happened, I loved her more and swam in the pleasure of her having something she wanted dearly; an experience she wanted dearly, of two people she cared about and desired.
I also participated. We took turns kissing her while the other went down on her.
At this stage of awareness, there is no resisting or turning back possible, and I can fairly say that I had no doubts, no regrets, no concerns: only for their pleasure. I craved and adored their pleasure in a way that it’s truly impossible to want or need my own; with more objectivity and being distant enough to have space to feel and perceive them, and my own responses.
She and I held hands or touched or made eye contact; the deeper into her pleasure she went, the more beautiful it was to feel her open her eyes slightly and see the astonishment and love on my face. In all of this, I was making peace with so much. Perhaps it was momentary peace, or perhaps one of many experiences of emerging into that space of freedom. I can say now that what I was doing was loving myself; loving myself as whole and as free, and embracing the freedom of these people who loved one another and loving the perfection of her experience.
And there I was, holding her as he fucked her, and fucked her and as she moaned and as I witnessed and felt and knew that it would happen again, without me there, that they were free and my freedom came from loving their gift to one another. I said to her, over and over, I love that you fuck, I love that you fuck, I love that you love. In this spirit I held her and watched their faces as he let go into her profoundly.
As the energy settled I was in the presence of two deeply satisfied people, with my own desire still unexpressed; my passion unspent. I hesitated for a moment and then did the only thing I could do at that point, which was to love myself: in front of them, in front of a large window, sitting up in the arm of an unfolded futon as they lay on the bed, I made love to myself, visibly and naked and vocally and so very gently; and before I knew what was happening, I was ejaculating into my hand, inches from her face.
Then I hesitated again.
This is your chance, said a voice in my mind. With that, I filled my mouth and swallowed and washed my face with what remained.