For My Child's Sake...
Lying in bed with my baby beside me, I feel her little body wiggling underneath the blanket. I love her so much, a love deeper then any other I have ever known. I am left unsettled with the fact that I may leave this world behind, leaving my child alone in it.
As dark as it sounds, and maybe provoked by the anniversary of my mother’s death, I often cry at the thought of dying and leaving her in this mess of a planet. This is a scary world where others, most, live in terms of their beliefs no matter how unrealistic or skewed.
This week surprisingly has brought about many dark impressions into my thoughts. On Monday my daughter fell and hit her head on a corner, so hard that it left a mark and bruise. Now I know that this may seem like a little booboo, especially to those with two or more kids, but I have lost my whole family so little booboos are counted as catastrophes in my mind.
I slept horribly that night, in fact I had a dream about my mother and she was telling me that my daughter had been taken in for surgery due to a compressed spine? I am not even sure if that is a condition but I woke up in cold sweats and in pain. It’s rare for me to dream of her but to see her and to hear that news shook my soul.
Then on Tuesday while I was listening to Out News on Sirius Fm (of course I listen to gay radio all day long, I am gay for heaven sakes, it’s all I know!) I crushed the polyester cup in my hands which lead to a diet Pepsi exploding all over my brand NEW (5 months old) car. I mean it went everywhere! Why, because I wasn’t paying attention and was completely side tracked by the fact that two marines who hit a gay man in the state of Georgia are not going to receive any punitive action because throwing a punch for someone looking at you in a “gay way” is not considered a hate crime. Really!
What is considered a hate crime? Does someone have to die? Because this kid loss consciousness and in my profession that is a very dangerous medical condition, and that still was not aggressive enough in the laws eyes to act upon as a HATEFUL crime! Well thanks to the marines there is a nice diet Pepsi stain covering my upholstery. I wonder if me kicking them in the balls for upsetting me enough to damage my car counts as a hate crime or as aggressive in nature because after all, those two straight guys did make me angry.
What if I began kicking and punching random people when I did not like the way they looked at me. Whenever I go out I have men approaching me, asking me out, and I tell them, "sorry I am gay, so you can take those eyes you have plastered on my tits away." Do they listen? Often not, they continue to look at me or “harass” me thinking maybe I am playing hard to get. What if I just punched them unconscious for looking at me! I can see it now on the news “Angry Lesbian beats Straight Man in a Hate Crime.”
Or what about that show 20/20 that does a segment called “what would you do?” (I think that’s what it’s called as I don’t own a TV and saw it on youtube.) It reported that over 40 states have the LEGAL right not to serve homosexuals. Are you fucking kidding me?
Why don’t you tattoo us with permanent logos to identify us, stick us in special areas where we live together and you can better control our numbers, and make sure that within society you designate where we can eat, shit and sleep so we don’t upset your kind with our filthy ways? I mean, is that not what history has shown us, that minority groups are just that, the MINORITY.
The majority makes the rules and states the conditions and then everyone follows like good dumb sheep. Well I am not a sheep, and my child will not be raised to be a sheep. Please don’t be a sheep, and don’t hide either. There is no time for that because you may think that we, as humans, will never hurt people that way, but turn on the news, and you will see how little care some people have for others and those that have power will abuse it.
We need to stand together as an LGBT nation, as one, not as separate entities working selfishly for our own needs being judges and gods. No more should we isolate or hide, but communicate and learn to love one another as a community that is strongly linked and working together for a future that is bright.
I don’t want my baby girl to grow up in this world where we men and women hurt each other because of who we are and love. I don’t want her to be ashamed of me or hide me from those in her life because she may be hurt or rejected. Will you help me?
Will you hold my hand? Will you hold my daughters hand so that she has a village behind her, one that understands her struggles and needs? Will you connect with me today so we can be better together tomorrow?
I am not going anywhere… just waiting for you to make your move. I have told you what I need.
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