First off, I apologize for the title of this post. I’m chuckling while I write it thinking it should be followed by some ridiculous list of ingredients to make a recipe of how to keep your sex life hot. Sorry, that’s what it’s not. How do people write lists like that anyways, and how come some people actually read them, believe them, and try them out! I guess because we still don’t communicate enough about sexuality.
I’m not against talking about sex… that, I think is very necessary. But how could any writer writing lists possibly know what’s going to work for any number of unknown readers, in the privacy of their bedroom? They can’t… unless we agree on a book of rules. And we all know that doesn’t work, especially with something as personal and as private as sex.
If you have had sexual contact with more than one person in your lifetime, you will likely agree that although the gestures may play out in similar ways, each person is so incredibly unique and so completely different from every other, that the experience is incomparable. Particularly if you’re paying attention, moving in close and really participating in the intimacy by being in tune with yourself as well as with the other person’s experience. And if you can talk about it with them, share what works and what you’re uncomfortable with – which sounds easy, but is not for everyone – there is a good chance it will have been a positive experience, no matter what, exactly, happened.
It’s when there’s no communication that things get difficult, and often, complicated. But there’s no blaming each other; we have to work on our own capacity to go beyond our fears, shyness, discomfort and mental boundaries to explore and discover new territory. It’s easy to get stuck in patterns in all aspects of our lives; sex is no different. For some people it comes completely naturally, for others it is a path filled with obstacles to be dealt with.
For many, including me, I think the intensity of sexual feelings is often hard to deal with because it is in direct conflict with the opinions and limits surrounding sexuality that can be so highly contradictory. When a voice, a look, a smile from someone turns you inside out and upside down it’s sometimes difficult to stay composed or even rationnal. And our friends, our parents, our minds say:… “oh yeah, whatever, it’s all good, have fun… but geez… you wouldn’t do that, would you?” Really, the irrationality of loving, sexual feelings towards someone is a high so drug-like it’s probably not a bad idea to ask yourself some questions. But once a relationship including sexual contact has been established, there can’t be any buts… it has to be an open door through which to explore without judgement. That is sexual freedom, whether it’s in a committed, long-term relationship, in a series of exclusive relationships, or a multitude of simultaneous relationships. Really, the only way we can truly get to know ourselves and others is by listening closely, daring to act on our fears and desires, and by learning from what happens. Which is not always the message we get from our elders or even from the media.
Today’s messages about sexuality are still conflictual, even if they’re more open. There is an underlying expectation towards performance that probably nips many people’s natural movements towards a partner in the bud. But that’s okay, now there are drugs for that too! But even then… the drugs only back up one aspect of sexual performance… there is SO much more to the whole dance than the climax! And the climax is usually much more heart-rendering when there have been a myriad of other movements towards and away from it… I can masturbate in five minutes to release some tension as expertly as the next guy, but my very favourite memories are of the long drawn-out sessions of talking, cuddling, massaging, kissing, listening and experimenting that lead to the best orgasms ever!