Self-Entitlement... The Ins and Outs!
I am sitting on the floor with my girl Lisa, messing about, laughing stupidly at our past psychodykos and the dumb things we have done for love as we paged through books on codependency. We were having a great discussion on the importance of being healthy before entering a relationship and continuing to stay on track with our stability while sharing our lives with one another.
Unfortunately, it would not turn out for the rest of the day to stay in this childlike foolish behavior. I would end up sitting silently watching my friend like a small child wrap her arms around her legs and dig her face into her knees as to protect herself from a furious blow.
Scared, terrified and with agitation she gazes up at me and says “tell me you’re joking! Are you serious! Shut up Alex I know your just playing with me and it’s not funny!” I look back at her, slightly sickened and hurt as to our discovery and calmly tell her “no babe I would not lie to you. I definitely would not joke like this or hurt you.”
I look back down at my phone, filtering through my emails and the dates to make sense of it all but there really is no justification and the reality is scary, manipulative and hurtful.
As I read the emails from a third party who approached me as an interested reader of my work, my friend and I would soon discover that it was her most recent ex-girlfriend who had manipulatively tried to find out information from me as she thought there may be more to my friends relationship with me. Subsequently, by the end of the following day the truth would come out and several actions would be taken to hurt and manipulate my friend further.
I felt horrible and saddened by her pain, and as she asked me why people whom we love hurt us, all I can say is “break up's are hard, they suck! And, unfortunately when we hurt we feel self-entitled to hurt others!”
Self-entitlement is a common word used in recovery and the addiction field; it’s not surprising considering the amount of pain we will put others through in order to get drunk or high. However, addicts aren’t solely responsible for this behavior, anyone can feel self-entitled and engage in behavior and thoughts such as “it’s my rights,” “I can do what I want when I want, where I want,” “I am hurting more,” “I don’t care what you think I am still going to do it,” and your typical victim thinking.
Everyone has to go through pain and sadly some more then others, but when you choose to identify yourself solely on that experience of pain you stay a victim and you will keep hurting, because after all you are a victim and to stay a victim you need to be victimized. That is where self-entitlement comes in, we become so self consumed by our pain that we give our self permission to be selfish and hurtful towards others to fulfill our own needs.
When you are focused on another instead of yourself and your behavior you are showing entitlement, and people see straight through that because as I have said, we are all guilty of this. It feels good after all to get what we want or for people to focus on us but it’s usually short lasting and people tire of it quickly and push you away.
Here is how to get out of that unhealthy pattern and begin your journey towards health and a blissful gay relationship with yourself and others:
- Stop being a victim because you are a SURVIVOR, an absolute Warrior that has fought the wars of life and has yet to be defeated!
- The past is gone, and control is fluid- sometimes it’s within us and others times its frighteningly not. Learn when you have control to change and grow in a situation and in yourself- be BRAVE and go forth.
- Accept all that is you, even the parts that are imperfect and learn to love them as parts of your being that need nourishment like any living organism.
- Have clear boundaries between yourself and others. Say what you mean and do what you say. Stay consistent and true to your word!
- STOP self-punishment, self-doubt and self-blame from your life and internal dialogue, it’s a waste of energy and there is no reward in it- and damn it, we want to be rewarded in life!!! Say sorry when its needed, be grateful everyday, be kind towards all even if you differ in belief, culture, race, sex; we all deserve to be acknowledged and heard. Live truthfully, don't just say it.
- Learn how to rest, just be with yourself and breathe deeply. Life isn’t about getting there fast but learning what you need to do along the way to teach and help others in your life.
- I am horrible at this but be open to gifts of the moment and always find balance with what you have taken from others and what you have given to others.
This was not meant to hurt anyone but to bring enough discomfort that change can occur and growth can emerge.
~The Lesbian Guru
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.comwith ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://TheLesbianGuru.com! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Twitter.com/TheLesbianGuru or http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru