Sex Addicts Anonymous is Full of Shit

LiberatingPorn's picture

Hello, my name is Chip and I'm a sex addict. Or so I'm told, given the results of the test I just took courtesy of the Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) website. Of course, SAA is just as much a cult as NA or AA, complete with the 12-Step Program and a tendency to ruin everyone's good time. Just like Narcotics or Alcoholics Anonymous, SAA has sponsors who are “sex sober” for a sizable length of time and coach whimpering, helpless sex addicts through their withdrawal from coital crack to the “healthiness” of celibate boredom. Tossing one's self into the loving arms of a Christian God isn't always required, but usually is, as SAA is gleefully supported by the chastity-loving Bible thumpers who are so often discovered lurking within bullshit organizations such as this.

However, I admit that I failed SAA's test that determines whether or not one is a sex addict. Well, I failed in their opinion. In my eyes, I passed with flying colors. So here's the test and my answers. (Dear reader, if you wish to take a dubious and misleading quiz to find out if you're also a sex addict, click here.)

Question 1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?

Answer: I plead guilty to both counts. I in no way want my mother to be privy to the countless depraved sexual activities in which I partake. In fact, the night of the Lib Porn Company Luau – during which I procured three gallons of KY Jelly and a vibrating mecha-condom – I claimed I was out in the slums delivering laptops to underprivileged youngsters.

The children of Mumbai love me.

Question 2. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?

Answer: Absolutely. I believe that wooing a snaggle-toothed woman then boning her in a motel across the street from the ruins of a burnt down orphanage is justifiable when desperately trying to cure one's pulsingly painful case of blue balls.

Question 3. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?

Answer: Only when there's no internet porn available.

Question 4. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?

Answer: Remember the snaggle-toothed broad from my second answer? Well I closed my eyes and pretended she was Keri Hilson. So I guess that counts as a yes.

Question 5. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?

Answer: You try not feeling guilty while banging a hideous woman, calling her 'Keri', and seeing the charred remains of an orphanage just outside your window. Concerning shame: As a rule all the most interesting sexual encounters require a little bit of shame. Well, at least they do the first time.

Question 6. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?

Answer: Um...how can a sex addict be so ashamed of themselves that they don't engage in sexual relationships? That's like a fucking alcoholic who doesn't drink alcohol. (The SAA cultist who wrote these questions must have been distracted by their porn addiction while typing up this gem.)

Question 7. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?

Answer: Unfortunately, yes. My last three girlfriends all had very large husbands, all of whom beat me to a pulp and thus caused me to end the relationship.

Question 8. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?

Answer: Unless you're a fundie Christian or some type of similar sexual bore, this is an obvious 'yes'. A sane person who enjoys sex (also called a sex addict by SAA) can only stomach so many romps comprised only of the missionary position. A reverse cowgirl performed in a semi-secluded public area – possibly while tripping on E – will forever be infinitely more enjoyable than a few measly Christ-like missionary thrusts.

Question 9. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors*, indecent phone calls, etc.?

Answer: I just said that the most enjoyable sex generally occurs in a semi-secluded public area, so what do you think?

* The 'sex with minors' part of this question again shows how the uptight troglodytes of the more prudish persuasion like to demonize sex by equating coital liberation with the sickening crime of child molestation and rape. C'mon guys, we understand that you're in SAA and consequently haven't been laid in a very long time and are thus more susceptible to brainfarts than the average person, but what the fuck?

Question 10. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with you spiritual beliefs or development?

Answer: Actually, no, sex doesn't interfere with the sort of spiritual development SAA champions; logic does. I'm not sure what sort of goofy, childish god you people worship, but my god wouldn't be the type of asshole that would provide humanity with all kinds of great ideas for sex then send us to hell for getting laid.

My Jesus would kick the shit out of yours.

Question 11. Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?

Answer: Yes to the first two, obviously; condoms have a way of breaking from time to time. As for the second two, coercion and violence: Rape has no place in a healthy sex life. Equating violent rape with the unfortunate reality of STDs is almost as stupid as comparing it with pregnancy. SAA is supported by and comprised of Christians, most of whom are probably pro-lifers. Given that, I find it odd they would rate pregnancy as a 'threat', let alone mention it in the same sentence as rape. Then again, fundie Christians often consider children born out of wedlock hellish imps of heathen parents, ever willing to defile our Christian nation with their welfare-sucking progeny (or something).

Question 12. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?

Answer: Yes, and how! My friends discovered my proclivity for ritualistic fucking-in-the-mud hippie parties when I was in high school and, shocked such as they were, I was ostracized from everybody...at least until they realized how fun those parties were, at which point we all got along again. And I only felt suicidal when I had a dream that I was somehow convinced to join SAA. I needed about fifteen minutes to realize that it was just a dream, then I spit out the cyanide capsule.

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Comments

My Jesus would kick yours'...

Lance A Worth's picture

Not only is this article hilarious and true, the Jesus bit alone is enough to make me love you. Grats!

Incidentally, my 'prove you're not a bot' words for this comment: 'wet' and 'pray'. LOL

leave it up to your partner!

SheWalks's picture

Well written, but I'd hate to give an EX-SA-BF of mine any excuse for not looking at his shit!  When in a relationship, y'all still need to have ground rules and abide by them, no matter how open and flexible you are.  It is just respectful and keeps the integrity of your relationship in tact.  :)

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