Sex in the middle of the night

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from Victoria's Sex Blog

It’s funny, at least I think it is… that I write regularly about sexuality yet talking about it can still be so awkward. I went to an artist’s seminar last week and just couldn’t bring myself to explain to the others what exactly I do… I just told them I “draw nudes” and left it at that. But at the art store, where I’ve started working part-time again, people seem to get it. When I describe what I do and why, they seem to recognize the need for it, and they want to know more. Last night my adult children, who are only a year or two into adulthood, were joking around about “the parents” (of which I am one of many if you count their boyfriend and girlfriends’ divorced and reconnected parents too) - and the comment that struck me as I was walking away towards the kitchen – was that the very thought of us “older people” having sex was gross.

I wish I could tell them how much better sex gets as you grow older and get to know yourself better and allow yourself to explore different avenues, which may include new partners, positions, conditions and even “props”. But particularly how much the contact with a lover deepens when you’ve practiced something so special for a long time together. I can’t tell them, and I won’t even try; they will figure that out themselves as they age and mature, each in their own special way.

Something that popped into my mind about this evolution was my vastly different experiences of sex in the middle of the night. First there were those teenage years, waiting for the parents to go out or fall asleep so my first boyfriend and I could desperately grope each other on the couch. And although I was much older, even early on in my relationship with Darren, we stayed up so late making love, sometimes night after night, that I remember dragging myself around like a limp noodle at work, yawning like crazy, and swearing I had to cut back but of course not really planning to… ever! 

In an earlier long-term relationship, I felt like I was always chasing my partner, whose libido just wasn’t as strong as mine, and I think he started to feel bad about always turning me down. There could have also been some kind of a male need to initiate that wasn’t being satisfied, because I could never wait for him to invite me to have sex. But a strange thing began to happen. There was a period where I would wake up in the middle of the night with him lying on top of me, thrusting until he orgasmed, and then he’d just roll off me and go back to sleep. Because I wanted so much to be sexual with him, at first I figured it was better than nothing, but soon I started feeling uncomfortably used and that I was missing out on all the rest of the cuddling and foreplay that I so strongly desired. Fortunately, we didn’t blame each other for this, but it seemed to point to an area of intimacy where we were unable to bridge something as yet unspoken… whether it was my block or his – most likely a bit of both – it was just not an issue we were able to bring to the light before the form of that relationship had to change and we moved away from each other.

Another male friend told me about going through something similar with an ex-wife. She wasn’t really into sex at a certain point in their relationship, which is probably not surprising considering all the other difficult challenges they were facing in their daily lives. He wanted to have sex more often, but he felt like the sun, the moon, and the stars had to lign up before she’d accept to, so a similar middle-of-the-night scenario began. He would wait until she was sleeping and start stimulating her with his tongue between her legs until she woke up crazy and horny. But she was angry about it afterwards, she felt like it was being forced on her, almost like rape. Although the tables are turned between my story and his, I feel like I can relate to everyone’s different position and pain in these scenarios.

Really, it all comes down to communication and respect for our partners, in bed and everywhere else. It’s much easier to get intimate when the air is clear; either because couples don’t yet have enough history together to make things difficult, or because the closets are clean and there is an open space in which to meet, deeply. But it’s up to each of us to clean our closets and remain available to ourselves and others, and it’s only human to go through periods of messy-chaotic-unruliness. I’ve been through some doozies… but I know I learn from them.

Recently, while I was busy not writing this blog (haha… see a few posts back) I woke up in the middle of the night with a man (yes that Darren!) suckling on my breast. Mmmmm… not only did that bring back lovely memories of sleeping with my babies cuddled up beside me, breastfeeding in the middle of the night, it felt great and it really turned me on! I was in a groggy, half-asleep state during the whole time he made love to me, but I came much faster and harder than I do when I’m awake… I guess having the mind “turned off” allows the body to be much more present. But if I think about that too much now, my body will react and I won’t be able to finish my “work”. I am still trying to get “” online for real!

Thanks to those who read my blog for reading me. Knowing that people are still checking in here even when I’m not writing alot pushes me to get back on-line and stay in touch and your comments are always welcome.

xox Victoria

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