Sex Party Poopers

The Ultimates's picture

After experiencing the success of the Pleasure Salon, we asked the question, “Can we replicate this multi-dimensional sexual experience in a sex party setting?”  We’ve been enjoying swinger sex clubs for years, but were getting jaded with the “swinger only” scene.  And, even though we’re swingers, we’re considered “fringe” because we dabble in other sexual sub-cultures (including the BDSM scene).  We discussed the potential results of adding different types of sex-positive people to our sexual circle and concluded that the mix would certainly spice things up for us.  So, in the interest of science, we planned “Our Party Experiment.” 

We felt we had enough research to begin our experiment since we had visited swing clubs and dungeons multiple times, and had a variety of friends in these sub-communities.  Based on our experiences and discussion with our roommate, an experienced Dom in the BDSM community, we constructed a set of variables that we felt would help us conduct Our Party Experiment (and contribute to a fun evening of sexual play). 

We began with the assumption that all sex-positive people like sex and parties and that, if introduced, they would intermingle and have wild sex.  Our hypothesis was: 

“If we put a group of diverse, sex-positive people together in a liquor-lubricated environment and give them a safe, comfortable place to have sex, we can expect a wild sex party with interesting orgies."

Our experimental group would be our sex-positive friends and acquaintances.  We invited swingers, doms, subs, sex workers, professors, pornographers, sexologists, writers, sex-positive others and adventurous vanillas.  Most were members of the Pleasure Salon or swinger Internet sites. 

For our controlled variable, we set up the environment.  We planned three Zones, one for eating, one for sex and one for neutral party activities.  The yard was the Eating Zone, complete with chairs and a fire pit.  For the Sex Zone, we used a vacant apartment in our building.  We shaded the windows, installed a sex swing, provided seating and filled the two bedrooms with air mattresses, sheets, condoms and lubricant.  Our apartment would be the Neutral Zone where we would offer drinks and games (including Guitar Hero and cards). 

Our plan was to have everyone drink and eat outside, then those seeking sexual play could move inside the Sex Zone while the non-sex seekers could move to the Neutral Zone.

The response to our sex party invitation was positive. Nearly 90 people signed up to attend.  To ensure the party was private, we kept a list of aliases of those who RSVP’d and planned to issue wristbands to everyone as they arrived.  The starting time was 8:00 p.m. 

The party started slowly, with couples arriving every 10 to 15 minutes during the first 3 hours.  We had grilled meat, plenty to drink, chairs set up around the fire pit and the tiki torches lit to discourage bugs from joining us.  Our invitation said “No Nudity in the Yard” since we have young neighbors’ windows facing our yard. 

It was fun watching the BDSM people in their leather and chains mingling with the swingers in their slutty short skirts and tight shirts.  With all the laughing and conversation, we thought Our Sex Experiment was going to be a success.  

We were wrong.

Problems became apparent quickly.  Our first mistake was to allow the invitations get out of hand (“invite whomever you wish”). Many people got invited as a result, including numerous single men.  We assumed that the invitees would read the invitation and understand that it was a party for swingers and other sex-positive people.  Many came without looking at the invitation.

Our second mistake, closely related to the first, was in not following our instincts. While planning the party, we had originally decided on posting common swingers’ rules such as “No Means No” and “Couples Only in the Sex Zone.”  But, according to our BDSM friends, rules would have been insulting to their community, and unnecessary.  So we acquiesced, agreed not to post rules, and allowed anyone who wished to enter the Sex Zone. In retrospect, we should have followed our instincts. 

Swingers and members of the BDSM community have very different comfort zones when engaging in sexual play.  Swingers want privacy and the knowledge that everyone respects the unwritten rules including, “No Means No, ” “A closed door means NO ENTRY” and “Before touching someone, permission must be obtained.”  Those in the BDSM community claim to have the same rules but seemed unconcerned with the problems associated with single men.   After all, single men are readily accepted in the BDSM community and in the dungeons without restriction whereas, single men are rarely, if ever, allowed in the Swinger clubs.

At the party, these male “newbies” (single men unfamiliar with the rules and etiquette in sex-positive sub-communities) were constantly annoying women, touching them without permission and, even worse, ignoring requests to stop.  One man even opened a closed bedroom door to watch a group of women engaging in sex play!  (He was hit with a well-aimed shoe).  While swingers tried to get some play started in the Sex Zone, their noble efforts were sabotaged by some newbies who set up chairs and sat around as if they were waiting for a live sex show.  Not surprisingly, that didn’t seem to bother the BDSM community (they’re used to performing for audiences) but the swingers were uncomfortable and put off of sex play completely.

Later, we had a few swinger friends write to me to complain that single men were continuously hitting on their wives and girlfriends and monopolizing them in unwanted conversation.  These men seemed unwilling or unable to take a polite hint to leave the women alone.  Many of our swinger friends left early due to this problem. 

We could have avoided some of our problems by doing the following: limit single men to only those knowledgeable in lifestyle etiquette; post swinger and BDSM rules throughout the Sex Zone; have more people at the party willing to chaperone; designate specific, separate time slots for “Swinger” play and BDSM play in the Sex Zone. But we will not be conducting another Sex Experiment. While we could control the actual environment, we simply couldn’t account for (and deal with) all possible variables that could impact the success of a combined sexual sub-community sexual play gathering.

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Party Poopers

Serpent's picture

Interesting! I actually came as a single female and didn't receive the kind of harassment that it sounds like the other females at the party got. Maybe it is because I am scary sex worker or maybe I should have brought a male date???

Femcar, who did come as my date, plays in both the BDSM and swing communities and  did say the one guy she tried to play with was a bit of a disappointment and nobody much else approached her after that. She's always up for playing, too, and doesn't mind an audience but I do think there was an awkward mix of communities and people didn't seem to know where to start. Some people were there to socailize, some people to play, and others just to watch. However, I'm not active in either the BDSM or swing communities so i'm going to defer to femcar and see if she has anything to say about it.

Otherwise, it was a fabulous party and I had a great time personally just chatting and hanging out. You have a great party house so I hope this doesn't discourage you from holding future get-togethers!

Party Thoughts

takeiteasymon's picture


Arturo here.  First of all I wanted to thank you for including me in the event.  LJ and I had a wonderful time, and as some of the more Vanilla-leaning people that were there, we were certainly entertained and enjoyed meeting many interesting people.

That being said, I do agree with you concering some of the issues of the evening.  The guy-girl ratio was completely out of balance.  A crowd of 10 leering men in a room staring at two women (and not making efforts to socialize) does not for a comfortable evening make (at least for some people).   It looked like some people were, as you said, simply waiting for a sex show and not making any efforts to engage with other guests. Not cool. I think a hard rule forcing more of a balance would have done much to improve the mood in some areas.

I wouldn't be discouraged about hosting another similar event. The issues, at least to me, really did boil down to the ratio of potentially creepy single men and the much smaller number of women. If you try this again (and I think you should), you can make it as simple as not letting any men in the party unless they bring a women with them. Of course making exceptions for people you are friends with, this would probably go a long way towards self-screening the party.   

But overall certainly a fun time for us newbies.  ; )

Well, regardless of the

the_vamp's picture

Well, regardless of the misbehaving single men, I still had a really great time. I hope you aren't totally discouraged! Any time you open your home up like that, there are going to be a few um, interesting stories that emerge. Plus, sometimes I think those stories are the ones you remember, become funny in a legendary sort of way, and you laugh at over dinner years from now.

Good advice from fellow posters, just try to control the single-men factor and you'll be set. Unfortunately, trying to throw a completely 'open' bash tends to need more calculation than you'd think.

Hope you'll give it another go sometime.

more thoughts

lisaj's picture

Thanks for writing up your thoughts about the party.  As another attendee, let me say that I had a lovely time with you all.  I do want to point out that I think you created a great space where those who don't identify as swingers or kinksters could observe, play, and experiement in any  number of ways and feel comfortable doing so.  I'm not sure that there are a lot of spaces for this for those who don't regularly inhabit dungeons and swing parties. 

For example, your neutral space for party activities (described to me as the "vanilla room") went somewhat beyond neutral activities at times, such as when a woman distracted her guitar-hero playing partner with fellatio, or when the birthday boy received some hot spankings.  At those times the outside area was actually the neutral (sex-free) zone, and the upstairs became a place for many to observe, and for some a place to participate.  Also, there was a good amount of movement between the “neutral zone” and the “sex zone” at different times in the evening.  Earlier in the evening this did not make people uncomfortable, though of course later it did.

So, from the perspective of the party’s ability to encourage people to try new things and explore with new people, I'd say that your experiment was more successful than you may have thought.


I've been thinking about this a lot as I am interested in bringing more diverse, sex positive, crowds together.  If we're honest with ourselves, we have to admit that diversity brings challenges, but they can also bring new awareness and connections.

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