Sex Party Poopers
After experiencing the success of the Pleasure Salon, we asked the question, “Can we replicate this multi-dimensional sexual experience in a sex party setting?” We’ve been enjoying swinger sex clubs for years, but were getting jaded with the “swinger only” scene. And, even though we’re swingers, we’re considered “fringe” because we dabble in other sexual sub-cultures (including the BDSM scene). We discussed the potential results of adding different types of sex-positive people to our sexual circle and concluded that the mix would certainly spice things up for us. So, in the interest of science, we planned “Our Party Experiment.”
We felt we had enough research to begin our experiment since we had visited swing clubs and dungeons multiple times, and had a variety of friends in these sub-communities. Based on our experiences and discussion with our roommate, an experienced Dom in the BDSM community, we constructed a set of variables that we felt would help us conduct Our Party Experiment (and contribute to a fun evening of sexual play).
We began with the assumption that all sex-positive people like sex and parties and that, if introduced, they would intermingle and have wild sex. Our hypothesis was:
“If we put a group of diverse, sex-positive people together in a liquor-lubricated environment and give them a safe, comfortable place to have sex, we can expect a wild sex party with interesting orgies."
Our experimental group would be our sex-positive friends and acquaintances. We invited swingers, doms, subs, sex workers, professors, pornographers, sexologists, writers, sex-positive others and adventurous vanillas. Most were members of the Pleasure Salon or swinger Internet sites.
For our controlled variable, we set up the environment. We planned three Zones, one for eating, one for sex and one for neutral party activities. The yard was the Eating Zone, complete with chairs and a fire pit. For the Sex Zone, we used a vacant apartment in our building. We shaded the windows, installed a sex swing, provided seating and filled the two bedrooms with air mattresses, sheets, condoms and lubricant. Our apartment would be the Neutral Zone where we would offer drinks and games (including Guitar Hero and cards).
Our plan was to have everyone drink and eat outside, then those seeking sexual play could move inside the Sex Zone while the non-sex seekers could move to the Neutral Zone.
The response to our sex party invitation was positive. Nearly 90 people signed up to attend. To ensure the party was private, we kept a list of aliases of those who RSVP’d and planned to issue wristbands to everyone as they arrived. The starting time was 8:00 p.m.
The party started slowly, with couples arriving every 10 to 15 minutes during the first 3 hours. We had grilled meat, plenty to drink, chairs set up around the fire pit and the tiki torches lit to discourage bugs from joining us. Our invitation said “No Nudity in the Yard” since we have young neighbors’ windows facing our yard.
It was fun watching the BDSM people in their leather and chains mingling with the swingers in their slutty short skirts and tight shirts. With all the laughing and conversation, we thought Our Sex Experiment was going to be a success.
We were wrong.
Problems became apparent quickly. Our first mistake was to allow the invitations get out of hand (“invite whomever you wish”). Many people got invited as a result, including numerous single men. We assumed that the invitees would read the invitation and understand that it was a party for swingers and other sex-positive people. Many came without looking at the invitation.
Our second mistake, closely related to the first, was in not following our instincts. While planning the party, we had originally decided on posting common swingers’ rules such as “No Means No” and “Couples Only in the Sex Zone.” But, according to our BDSM friends, rules would have been insulting to their community, and unnecessary. So we acquiesced, agreed not to post rules, and allowed anyone who wished to enter the Sex Zone. In retrospect, we should have followed our instincts.
Swingers and members of the BDSM community have very different comfort zones when engaging in sexual play. Swingers want privacy and the knowledge that everyone respects the unwritten rules including, “No Means No, ” “A closed door means NO ENTRY” and “Before touching someone, permission must be obtained.” Those in the BDSM community claim to have the same rules but seemed unconcerned with the problems associated with single men. After all, single men are readily accepted in the BDSM community and in the dungeons without restriction whereas, single men are rarely, if ever, allowed in the Swinger clubs.
At the party, these male “newbies” (single men unfamiliar with the rules and etiquette in sex-positive sub-communities) were constantly annoying women, touching them without permission and, even worse, ignoring requests to stop. One man even opened a closed bedroom door to watch a group of women engaging in sex play! (He was hit with a well-aimed shoe). While swingers tried to get some play started in the Sex Zone, their noble efforts were sabotaged by some newbies who set up chairs and sat around as if they were waiting for a live sex show. Not surprisingly, that didn’t seem to bother the BDSM community (they’re used to performing for audiences) but the swingers were uncomfortable and put off of sex play completely.
Later, we had a few swinger friends write to me to complain that single men were continuously hitting on their wives and girlfriends and monopolizing them in unwanted conversation. These men seemed unwilling or unable to take a polite hint to leave the women alone. Many of our swinger friends left early due to this problem.
We could have avoided some of our problems by doing the following: limit single men to only those knowledgeable in lifestyle etiquette; post swinger and BDSM rules throughout the Sex Zone; have more people at the party willing to chaperone; designate specific, separate time slots for “Swinger” play and BDSM play in the Sex Zone. But we will not be conducting another Sex Experiment. While we could control the actual environment, we simply couldn’t account for (and deal with) all possible variables that could impact the success of a combined sexual sub-community sexual play gathering.