To the straight mind

lustwithwings's picture

It is bizarre to me that a mode of action as obvious as doing what one feels (biologically, psychologically, logically) is, for the majority of persons, unthinkable. The general intention is, it seems to me, rather to conceal the fact that one feels anything at all which may not parallel convention. It is under this constant and intense pressure to appear 'normal' that squares live in fear. Thus, they harbor insecurities; are indeed panicked by the fact that their interior life, thoughts, and desires do not conform to their performed personality. 'What is wrong with me?'

In this world I feel like an explorer. Perhaps, just by living and loving radically and honestly I can bring attention to marginal possibilities.


People read frequent failure of attempts to overcome the conventional sexual relationship as indicative that there is no alternative. I see it rather as a manifestation of heteroppression; not just for folks who live as they feel, but also for squares struggling to repress the pain and insecurity of conforming to convention.

For instance, though their roles are often different in heteronormative relations, there is, it seems, still the expectation that the love of each person will be of the same quality; that they 'feel the same way' about one another. Inevitably, this expectation leads to the feeling that 'I love you more than you love me!' As if love were quantifiable into more or less.

That one should feel for someone exactly as they feel for you is highly improbable. Your experience of me is not my experience of you.

One example will suffice;
I am tall and bearded, outgoing and talkative. My friend is small, has very little hair on her face, and is thoughtful and quiet. If I love her for her qualities and she me for mine, how can I expect that love to 'feel the same'?

It is not how we love but that we love. If we are aware of the unique and dynamic way our feelings interact, only then can we understand our relationship. To begin with the assumption that we can or should feel the same love can only be disastrous when we try to interact. If I am ashamed of the way I love, or suspicious of hers; I can never be honest.


'The love of the sexes...betrays itself most plainly as the striving after possession; the lover wants the unconditioned, sole possession of the person longed for by him...he wants to be loved solely and to dwell and rule in that other soul as what is highest and most desired...When one considers precisely that this means to exclude all the world from a precious possession, a happiness, an enjoyment;...when one considers, finally, that to the lover himself the whole world besides appears indifferent, colorless, and worthless, and that he is ready to make every sacrifice, disturb every arrangement, and put every other interest behind his own-- one is verily surprised that... out of this love the conception of love as the antithesis of egoism should have been derived when it is perhaps precisely the most unqualified expression of egoism.'
Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science

Many relationships are set up with a dominant/submissive dichotomy. One lover is caught by the other like a planet orbiting a star; subservient and tied to them. I feel rather more like a star, myself. Rather than pick up and attract a planet, capture it with my gravity; I'd rather associate with entities of a similar mass.

Rather than the traditional polyamorous dynamic ( a 'primary' partner with secondary and outlying sexual situations), I have a network of lovers. If I were straight I would have formed heteronormative relations with any of them. I'd have been unhappy with their idiosyncracies (which monogomists learn to live with as their 'duty'), or unhappy qualities I need.

Many people think that it's all about casual sex, ego stroking, and shallow relations; but I feel like I am forming deep friendships in which there is less pressure to express sexuality because my needs are spread between lovers. I don't overload anyone with emotional needs, either, because I can confide in and vent with all of them. Without the worry of being sexually or emotionally demanding, I am much more genuine and find intimacy and connection that leaves me in awe of, at once, the uniqueness of each friend and what we all secretly experience as humans.

Also, I can be much more choosy about who is really compatible with me. With so many lovely humans, I don't feel threatened by loneliness when I choose not to involve myself in a dynamic that won't be healthy. At the same time, I can experience intimacy with persons I might now have had the patience for because we wouldn't have been 'partners'.


I do have casual sex, sometimes. I have confidants. I have intimate friendships, amorous adventures, and Queer types of relation that have never been described in our culture. Of the rich variety of flavors available for love, I choose no to call anyone partner, boyfriend, wife.

'There is, of course, here and there on this terrestrial sphere a kind of sequel to love, in which that covetous longing of to persons for one another has yielded to a new desire and covetousness, to a common, higher thirst for a superior ideal standing above them. But who knows this love? Who has experienced it? It's right name is friendship.'
Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science

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