Teenager-mom Heart-to-Heart about Pornography
from Victoria's Sex Blog
Until you’ve actually had a baby, you cannot have a CLUE what you’re in for… and it’s the same with sex. I remember my shock (and absolute THRILL!) the first time a male hand slid behind the zipper of my jeans to touch my pelvis, and lower… and although I’d been doing some heavy duty making out until then, I had absolutely no idea how fabulous another person’s touch could feel on my private parts. I guess I am one of the fortunate young girls who truly was a virgin before that happened; from the stories I have heard from girlfriends, it’s not quite the same when you have already been touched way before you were ready or willing.
After reading about the negative effects of too-accessible pornography on children and youth, I sat down with my two teenage boys and told them we were going to have a talk about just that. They were pretty cool about it… they knew I knew they looked at porn (although I don’t know how much) and they know I know something about it because they know that I’ve drawn it, although I can’t be sure about how much of my work they have actually seen either. My attitude up until now has been to keep this work discreet, but not completely hidden; they know I draw and photograph the nude body and they know I do something about sexuality, but what exactly…?
Perhaps not surprisingly, I did most of the talking. I wanted them to know that I have an aversion to pornography even though I love sex. I wanted them to know that it wasn’t “real”… in the sense that what they could see was only a tiny part of the overall experience; that these images were most often actors showing extremes and that there is alot more involved in actual relationships. I think they know that… but that doesn’t take away the arousal aspect of those images to young men who are most likely raring to become sexually experienced young men.
I asked them about sex education in school… they said it was mostly biology but that one of their other teachers was much more comfortable talking about it on occasion, which of course made her “pretty cool”. They smiled alot, I guess they were uncomfortable, although surprisingly, I wasn’t… I started wondering why I hadn’t spoken more openly about it with them sooner, but then, just a few years ago they were much “littler” boys. It felt good to open the door to this kind of a discussion… I hope they know now that the door is open if they need help understanding something or just need to talk. I told them funny stories about the questions I’d asked my mom, and my surprise at the discovery of the real experience when it finally happened, and the complicated emotional confusion no matter how good the circumstances may or may not have been.
Like I said, I did most of the talking, but they listened and shared a bit about where they were at and were quick to point the finger at their older brother who was of course, paving the way for them with his 18-year-old sexual savvy. They even reassured me that they would have easy access to condoms because he left them lying around alot. I just encouraged them to go slow, to really listen to their gut feelings and to be even more attentive to their partners needs, desires, and readiness.
Not being a boy, I have no idea what kind of effect this discussion had on them. But knowing my once little boys, it’s hard to imagine that they would not be as tender and decent with their future lovers as they have been in the most innocent ways with their mom.