What to do when the signs point North?

SheWalks's picture

Once straight and married and playing housewife and mom. 

Then bi and married and playing wife in the same house. 

I always knew I was bi, but there was point in my marriage where I wondered if that was the problem with my lack of love and luster for my husband.  He tried to be flexible San Francisco style, but oops, that can of worms got a bit too squirmy.  Don't ask, don't tell sets you up for failure.  And now marriage is the furthest thing from my mind other than my anti-marriage sentiments, which I can't seem to keep to myself. 

Two years ago, I didn't mean to fall for yet another man, but it happened, just while I was seeing a woman in her own squirmy situation.  It seemed like a good idea to have my own primary relationship, and I felt compatible with someone for the first time in my life.  People often stopped us on the street to comment on our good coupleness and friends referred to us as siblings with benefits.  It was a pleasure and the highs were amazing, but lows were lows and I'm not sure I have the staying power. 

I've always told friends that if there is one piece of advice about marriage/relationship hardships I can offer them, it is that if you have the inkling to separate, follow it.  Do not delay.  Do not pass Go.  It is the fastest way to cut through the baggage, get you and your partner to work on your shit without the comfort and laziness of coupledom, and uncover your true desires.  I believe my marriage would have still ended, but I think we would have been healthier for it and possibly enjoyed ourselves more along the way. 

So, I've said goodbye to my man, my SWB, my true love.  I've gone from feeling justified (those arguments really helped!), to wavering, to nauseous, to depressed, to longing, to counting days, to angry, to certain and uncertain, to, ah yes, I'm sure there is more to come. 

And there are many questions that remain. Can he change?  I know they say never to expect such a thing from someone, but he tries so hard, and now that I've walked, he really seems committed to working on his stuff.  Message delivered.  Is he too closely linked to the dysfunction of my family history?  Is it bad to want to keep trying?  And what about those pent up dreams of woman4woman? 

Where's the fortuneteller when I need one?  I actually tried that and it revealed too much maternal protectiveness, like I was hearing what my mother wants for me and my life. So here I sit, waiting out the summer, wondering why life can't be black and white. 


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thanks for this post

arvan's picture

I love that you shared with us, how your poly / bi / married life exists for you and the framework of definitions and experiences you choose to define your self and your life within.

tipped & rec'd


Thank you

for your honesty. I was particularly struck at the notion of the "comfort and laziness of coupledom." Ain't that the truth! It's really hard to sit with conflict and either resolve it or move on. Susan Piver has written about this in a lovely, realistic way (www.susanpiver.com). As far as the pent-up feelings for women go, what I know is that when I'm happy in a relationship, I don't worry about that stuff.

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