When Love is in the Room
from Victoria's Sex Blog
Over my lifetime, I have had a few sexual encounters with men that I wasn’t really in love with or didn’t know all that well, but never really what you’d call a “one-night-stand”. Except maybe just that once… hmm… wait… does during the day count?
While there was something liberating about having the freedom to make that choice or act on a whim, and to break those deeply ingrained rules about being totally committed and married before even admitting to a man that I had nipples, every experience had its pros and cons. Alot of what led to letting things happen in those moments was a really intense desire to be touched, so intense that it clouded any other decision-making faculty. I remember as a teenager that previously unfathomable aching, longing to be touched, kissed and penetrated, often exacerbated by popular music and its lyrics of romantic desire. Do women feel a physical longing as intensely as men do, or it is more in our minds? Male or female, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or metrosexual, there really aren’t any “norms” and it doesn’t matter. Each of us is wired differently and acts and reacts according to an unique system of communication and response, of fears and desires.
My after-reaction to these noncommited sexual episodes was different every time, depending on the partner, the circumstances, but especially, depending on my own perspective. Looking back from my early forties now, I can see that they were all unique learning experiences, not necessarily good or bad, right or wrong, just a part of my growing up path. I think the first time that it ever it happened was the time that I really wished that it hadn’t. The man in question didn’t really care about me, nor me about him to be honest, and there was little closeness or real friendship between us until the day I found myself alone with him and let him “put the moves” on me. I think I was just too young and inexperienced and in need of affection and too unsure of myself to dare speak up clearly or decide whether or not or how things would happen… but I probably should have listened to my gut, because I felt so much pain and shame afterwards. I went to the hospital for a “morning after” pill to make sure I wasn’t pregnant, and later for tests to prove that I hadn’t caught anything else. It wasn’t fun. Basically I just gave him access to my body without real availability nor consent. I let him do his thing and I put up with it instead of sharing and enjoying it. With some distance, I find it sad for both of us.
About a year later, I went to a concert with a guy who I had a comfortable friendship with, and the music was so dreamy that we were both kind of floating when we left the show, even though there was no alcohol involved. It was too late for him to take the bus home so I offered that he stay at my place… I had a big mattress, and I never expected anything to happen, but suddenly we were making love and it was good and beautiful and we continued to do so for several months afterwards, although I think it was clear to both of us that we would never be a long-term couple. We just shared something nice for a time… and remained friends afterwards. My memories of him are gentle and soft.
And then there was the older man, engaged to be married, who needed to have a last swing perhaps before he committed himself completely. I was not in love with him either, nor him with me. We were just good friends due to a working situation, but when I found myself camping over at his apartment and he offered me a massage, well, it ended up turning into more than a massage. And it was good. I was young and inexperienced and he was very, very good to me. But again, at the time it was clear to us both that we were not partners, we were not “in love”, we were just two people sharing some love through our bodies, for awhile. The last time I saw him we attended a celebration together where I spent most of the evening enjoying the company of another man who would later become my husband for many years.
We are instinctive creatures, and sometimes our bodies know better than our minds. And alot of times our minds make things very complicated and painful for no reason. If I could see those three men again today, I would thank each one of them, even the first one who was not too attentive to my feelings or needs… he just needed an outlet for his own desires and lack of affection and so did I. It would be interesting to see how they’ve changed and their viewpoint on their past with me… if they have an opinion or memory of it at all.
Over time, I’ve learned to listen to myself much better. My body knows when to say “stop” or “go”, and with whom… no matter what my mind may be thinking or throwing at me or trying to convince me of anymore. I guess knowing myself better makes it easier. I make my choices and I live with them. And I do my best not to see them as right or wrong, but instead, to accept that life has presents us with different opportunities, and no matter how we choose to act on each of them, there is always something to learn.
One of the best things I have learned is that nothing can compare with the direction things take, sexually and otherwise, when love is in the room.