Why would anyone want to dom

cleofaye's picture

Cost posted from www.cuntlove.wordpress.com

 

Like I said in my previous post, I started my life in BDSM as a sub. For about two years, I explored this dynamic with my boyfriend P pretty often and didn’t have much desire to change it or try anything new. Then I met K. K was a girl in my women and gender studies class who I fell in love with hard. I ended up in a poly relationship with both P and K, but that’s a much longer story for a very different time. What changed for me was that K was a sub. She was very into bondage to the point of being on the edge of having a fetish. She could perform without being tied up, but she never enjoyed it as much and if it were up to her, she would be tied up every time we had sex. She was a sub, but only interested in the Bondage and Domination, but not in any sort of erotic pain. From K I learned that I loved control, much more than I thought I would.

 
Being a top was hard work. Yes, I had all the power, but as they say in the spiderman movies, with great power becomes great responsiblity. Now, having sex wasn’t about me anymore. I wasn’t allowed to be selfish and I wasn’t allowed to lose control anymore. Everything I did had to be carefully thought through to make sure I wasn’t making my sub uncomfortable, overstepping her limits, or putting her in danger. Yes, we had a safe word, and she was always able to stop me if she needed to, but it’s always the goal of a good top to never have to use a safe word, even if there is always one in place.
 
Being able to mold someone into the perfect sex partner is, in essence a selfish act. Giving orders and making demands were something I had never been very comfortable with, but the second I saw how excited and turned on those orders made K, any feelings of guilt or hesitation were gone. It became a game, a job; figuring out what I could do that would turn her on. How I could top the last experience, how I could take her to the next level, how I could push her limits even more without crossing the line. Her needs became my needs. Learning her desires and limits made me feel closer to her then I had ever felt to anyone.
 
But I know that just a dominant and bondage relationship is not really what people are curious about. People want to know what it is like to hurt someone. I didn’t know until much later, and I’ll be up front and saying I’ve never been able to practice hardcore S&M with a girl (yet), with the girls I’ve been with, it has only ever been sensation play, things like candle wax and ice cubes, light scratching and playing with things like textures.
 
I have only been able to truly let go and top one person. He had been a sub before he met me, and knowing that we would both be into S&M play was the main reason we started hooking up in the first place. The first few times I was with him, I underestimated both him and myself. I’m a pretty strong girl, and I’ve learned to hold back most of my life. I never use all my strength to do pretty much anything. I held back hitting him, scratching him, I stopped myself from using all my strength, every time.
 
He took me aside and told me to stop holding back, that I hadn’t come close to his pain tolerance. For one of the first times in my life, I could let go, stop holding back, and I let myself go. It was a wonderful feeling. Spanking him, slapping him, hitting hit with a riding crop, he would get harder and harder. He would break his usual stoic sexual behavior to grunt and groan and scream in that way that tells you they are the border of pleasure and pain.
 
I usually blindfolded my subs, but I usually couldn’t stand it, because the second you take the blindfold off, someone who is really enjoying themselves, in that sub space I described last time, will lock eyes with the most intense, sexual look you’ve ever seen. I would stare into his eyes, pinch and pull his nipples hard, and watch him ride the wave of adrenaline that followed. Since I’ve only dommed sexual partners, our sessions would end with the most intense, frantic sex that would be the ultimate release of all the tension we had built up.
 
A BDSM session would leave us giddy and light headed. We would lay in bed, catching our breath. We actually fell deeply in love very quickly, which I think is one of the real dangers of BDSM. You have to trust each other and learn to read each other, something that leads to intimacy that you may not have intended. It connects you to your partner quickly and intensely, it’s an adrenaline rush and it’s a release of physical energy that’s like nothing else.
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