You are your lover
Imagine this space in darkness except for a few strings of holiday lights. The little bulbs threw off enough lumens to create some visibility, though it was hazy and sweetly scented by the colors and my awareness of everything that had happened there.
From my musings that evening, I understood that soaking in the specific passions of women gave me the inclination to taste some of what they might be feeling. So I made it a point to indulge the love of their emotional fruit, as witness to their own eating of it. And doing that I empathized and harmonized and committed to find it and feel whatever that was, within myself. Desire to the point of empathy. I can say that now. Then, in that moment, I just needed to let the feeling out.
I slipped into the cavernous white dome as the city came to life around me. In the dim silence of the space, I set up the Monkey Rocker. It was designed so that any flat-based dildo could be attached to the little platform. From my bag, I chose a purple one that fit me well, and coated it in shea butter. I stripped off my shorts and tee shirt and sat on the thing like I knew what I was doing. Then I placed the mirror where I would be able to see myself, if I ever dared to look. The intention of this act had a sweetness to the honesty, as I did the gesture for myself conscious of embarrassment. Yet it was embarrassment in my own presence, alone.
I sat down on the thing for the first time, fully naked to the air in the room, and I grabbed the handle. When I pulled it, I rocked forward and the dildo moved up and pressed into me. I tried this a few times and worked it gently into my body and then pulled it in suddenly and held myself and held my breath and wanted more.
I tried rocking, and I was pierced. I groaned and pressed my feet flat into the dusty floor and pulled hard on the throttle, again.
Images from the earlier in the day washed through my mind, and the feeling of remembering. Mainly the lack of inhibition in the women I had seen and taken in. Set free within myself. Set free by not fucking, and also set myself free, spurred by their presence.
Reassurance held me gently, hot and beautiful, of the eternal nature of woman. Any individual person would pass from the world, but womanity herself would exist for millennia. She would pull apart her knees forever, and my passing through the world felt like a brief instant spent in awareness of that. She was eternal. Then I recognized the selfdeception in thinking that the millennia were endless. That womanity herself would die; the human form would die, male and female. Who first? This thoughtstream as I saw in my mind’s sky her red hair splayed out around her and feelings thrusting in with her three fingers, mirror balanced on her knees as Julia moaned in return. I looked at Lucille’s breasts peaked with nipples reaching out.
I thrust on the rocker again and remembered where I was, the bubble of fantasy pierced by another hot jab of penetration into my body. Energy squished between the worlds of carnal and imaginal pleasures as the colors gradually mixed. When my moan ended I heard faint voices outside, distant, and it occurred to me for the first time that someone could actually be listening to my little orgy. Someone could be standing on the street a few meters from the tent wondering curiously what the sounds they heard related to.
I jabbed again and moaned intentionally, calling for any anonymous auditory witness to love me, yearning for it to be a woman’s ears who took in my cry. Then I heard voices immediately behind me. A woman’s voice, and then a man’s voice.
“Let’s come play in here some time,” she said. He began speaking but she cut him off when she spoke my name.
—Fidel! Look what you’re doing.
I was so out there I thought she meant it literally, to look down into the mirror, so I opened my eyes and for the first time witnessed the spectacle of myself. My own eyes were looking back, seeming very surprised to be seeing what they were seeing.
The woman was Nate, my neighbor in the tent area, the woman with the Venusian encampment with two men; right behind my own tent; both of whom I realized were with her at the moment. Keeping my rhythm, I rocked and pierced myself as I thought these things. Nate squatted down behind me and talked to me through the mirror.
—Yeah. This is it. This is what you’ve been wanting. I could see it on your face. Look at your face. No, look sweetly.
I relaxed and let the judgment out of myself and caught a glimpse of a beautiful man.
—And two beautiful men are watching you. Look at them, look for a moment. She knew that look meant show, and though I already felt like I was doing that, facial contact pushed me down deeper and yet there was nowhere I could go.
I felt hands clasp my hips and encourage my rocking. Encouraging me to rock deeper, sweeter, warmer to the rhythm of oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah as I watched my most fucked face and her eyes smiled up at me.
—Yeah, you’re the one. Be your lover. That’s what happening. Let it happen.