You make it what you want it to be

victorias sketchbook's picture

from Victoria's Sex Blog



What do you want out of your sex life? No matter what your background is, what mistakes you think you’ve made, or what misfortunes you’ve come across, you always have something to say about how to envision your own sexuality. You probably already have alot more choice over your sexual identity, actions, and lifestyle than you realize - especially if you live in a part of the world where you have access to this blog – and the many other blogs and images and films and stories that take a positive view of sex. Elsewhere in the world, obviously, there are still many outside barriers that restrict people from the kind of freedom I believe life intended us all to have over our own bodies.


It takes time and experimentation for each of us to discover what exactly having a “sex life” means. For some people, it’s only possible to have one with themselves, during certain periods of their lives or over their lifetime, sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance. But it’s the only body you get for this lifetime, so you might as well learn to love and enjoy it on all levels! You can choose to masturbate, or not; you can choose to look at others’ bodies but not touch, or not; and you can choose to look at images of others’ bodies and sexual lifestyles as much as you wish. Or not. There’s only one condition to  truly owning this kind of freedom:  no guilt allowed, no questionning, and no worrying. You must learn to be at peace with yourself and the way you see and experience your unique sexuality.


Do you know anyone who is completely at peace with this? I can’t say I do… everyone seems to carry  baggage about sex because of the judgments and beliefs that have pervaded the subject since… forever. Just imagine if there were no restrictions and no taboos; would it turn into the sexual free-for-all that one generation proclaimed in the sixties? I don’t think so. I think we’re in a completely different space today with our individual and collective beliefs on sexuality, and that any evolution we’ve seen is due to alot of hard work by many, many people, by painfully sweeping away old beliefs on all levels rather than inventing anything new. We are all innocent until we decide we’re not, which is a judgment as easily inflicted unconsciously on ourselves as it is used consciously on others.


So just try to imagine that it’s okay. It’s okay to prefer women over men, even if you’re a woman. It’s okay to want to masturbate weekly, or never, or daily. It’s okay to feel more like being on top all the time or walking around the house with your clothes off or experimenting with sex toys. My simplistic vision is that if these simple things had truly been allowed to be okay for many generations before us, we wouldn’t see so many extreme, violent manifestations of abusive sexuality that are hurtful to others, and ultimately, to ourselves, when we obsess about them or act on them.


It is no more complicated than an omnipresent imbalance, which we cannot blame entirely on any one individual, but on an entire collective vision of the way things “should” be… as dictated to us by the very groups we collectively invented to control each other… like religion and media. The first inculcated us with guilt about our bodies and our sexuality; the latter encourages us to dream endlessly of being and having something more. First we need to remind ourselves that we are perfect just the way we are, that it’s okay to be ourselves, that we are always enough. Then we have to communicate, honestly, and vulnerably, with those we choose to share our sexuality with.


I have always just wanted my sex life to be sacred as opposed to profane. It may have alot to do with me being female, by my vision has just always been “sex, love and intimacy” rather than “sex, drugs and rock’n roll.” And most of the time sex is sacred to me (which explains my aversion to pornography) - part of which includes sharing my thoughts and experiences in a pretty public way for something I consider sacred – so it’s like sharing the most precious thing I know. Sexual energy is our most alive, creative energy, and having lots of it is a beautiful thing; of course it helps to learn to channel it into activities that allow us to create in other ways besides overpopulating a dying planet… surely we can use the time we have here to bring something helpful to others? People with less sexual energy are perhaps already more focussed on what they need to bring the world, or maybe there’s something in the way that needs some unblocking; either way, the point is… as human beings, we’re all sexual beings, we’re all okay, and we’ll know that for sure when we believe it about ourselves and maintain that belief towards others.

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I really agree with most of

rockit's picture

I really agree with most of what you wrote but this bit bothers me a little -

"[...] of course it helps to learn to channel it into activities that allow us to create in other ways besides overpopulating a dying planet… surely we can use the time we have here to bring something helpful to others? People with less sexual energy are perhaps already more focussed on what they need to bring the world, or maybe there’s something in the way that needs some unblocking;"

I guess I'm unclear if this is speculation or meant to be a definitive statement -  it seems like you could be implying that channeling sexual energy into sexual activity is somehow not valid or is otherwise a waste of time, although I'm fairly certain you didn't mean it that way, given the rest of the content of your post. And as a person with 'less sexual energy' (I'm asexual), I don't think it's fair to say that unless I'm more focused than others on what I need to bring to the world, that I must be repressed. Everyone is repressed to a degree- we (almost) all have some type of repression or inhibitions, sexual or otherwise. It is required to function in society.

Trying to correlate level of selfishness or self-lessness and level of sexual energy doesn't make much sense either. I kind of see how this could be coming from a line of reasoning that less sexual energy -> less having sex -> less time spent on sex -> more free time to spend fighting world hunger, etc . But level of energy =/= level of activity, and even if someone is having less sex and does happen to have more free time, they still might be more inclined to watch TV than to help the world in any significant way.

Sorry to be so nit-picky!

hi Rockit... thanks for

victorias sketchbook's picture

hi Rockit... thanks for writing... really, it's ALL speculation, isn't it? 


The point is there is no cut-and-dried rules about how we SHOULD be. I guess what I hear about the most (in my context and surroundings) are the frustrations of people obsessing about sex or sexual activity (have been through this myself) because they haven't found where else in their lives to focus all that positive energy... and when they do, it's no longer so obsessive but becomes an enjoyable balanced aspect of their lives.


Likewise, being assexual doesn't mean someone is selfless or repressed... it's just where they're at... and as long as it's not an uncomfortable place to be, it just is!

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