Easter Day Solutions

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TSVandenberg's picture
So today’s Easter Sunday, and we’re all wearing Easter colours to work, instead of our usual uniforms. Easter colours, of course, being pastels. Easter, being the day when everyone passes around they’re favourite bite-sized candies and deviled eggs. And, apparently, this is also the day that impossible things are known to have occurred.

 
No, I’m not talking about a man who claimed to have had mystical powers who was tortured for his insanity and allegedly rose from the dead and is thus traditionally celebrated around this time of year by a billion duly indoctrinated followers.

 
I’m talking about where small, long-legged mammals are said to have laid bright, colourful eggs in random places for children to find. And instead of a foetus, it’s candy, or a clue to where one can find a whole cashe of candy, or even money — if you’re fortunate enough to find it on someone’s estate.

 
But that’s not what this day’s really meant to be about, now is it? No, in fact it really is supposed to be about a zombie a deity coming back from the dead, forgiving everyone’s errors, and opening up the door to an intangible fantasy paradise called Heaven, where previously we were expected to wait outside in what one can only imagine was something akin to the world’s biggest Macy’s After-Thanksgiving Day Sale, and the staff were milking those last five minutes before they unlocked the doors.


And everyone gets in now. Everyone! Even murderers on their death beds, if they renounce their actions, and accept Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior. Everyone, except us. That is, not the non-Christians. And definitely not bisexuals, like myself. No, we’ll just have to sit and wait until the second coming before we can talk with the head guy and see if we can’t maybe work something out, before he makes any final decisions come Judgement Day. Tick-tick-tick-tick…..

 
Oh, wait….here’s an interesting passage: “And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of Heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in Heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in Heaven.” Matthew 16:18-19, New International Version (NIV).

 
Well, well, well…. Nice. Perhaps there’s, eh, hope left after all. Obviously, as the Catholic’s believe, Peter was the first Pope and the head of the Church. And as the head of the Church it was pretty much whatever he says, goes. And naturally, in tradition of that authority, all other Popes were given the same power to change pretty much anything else they wanted: Everything from saintliness, to heliocentricity, allowing graven images of the Lord to even the Cardinal no-no’s of Leviticus!*

 
So if they can do all that….then….why aren’t we already standing outside of the gates of the Vatican petitioning the Pope to ratify same-sex love, and the celebration of that love, i.e. gay marriage? It’s pretty much our only ticket to validation and salvation, so what have we got to loose?

 
And if the doomsayers are right, that clock is ticking down pretty fast, and who knows how long we’ve got before all Hell breaks loose? I say: Go for it! Best case scenario, we win! Worst case scenario, well, there’s always Episcopalian, right?
*For those who are unaware, I was raised Catholic, so some of what I’m saying might seem to be coming out of left field. That’s okay; nobody’s perfect. 
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